Deep-Learning-Nanodegree/P3 - Generate TV Scripts/data/simpsons/moes_tavern_lines.txt

[YEAR DATE 1989] © Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Moe's Tavern. Where the elite meet to drink.
Bart_Simpson: Eh, yeah, hello, is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Hold on, I'll check. (TO BARFLIES) Mike Rotch. Mike Rotch. Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch, lately?
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Listen you little puke. One of these days I'm gonna catch you, and I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an ice pick.
Moe_Szyslak: What's the matter Homer? You're not your normal effervescent self.
Homer_Simpson: I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one.
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, hey, you should not drink to forget your problems.
Barney_Gumble: Yeah, you should only drink to enhance your social skills.


Moe_Szyslak: Ah, isn't that nice. Now, there is a politician who cares.
Barney_Gumble: If I ever vote, it'll be for him. (BELCH)


Barney_Gumble: Hey Homer, how's your neighbor's store doing?
Homer_Simpson: Lousy. He just sits there all day. He'd have a great job if he didn't own the place. (CHUCKLES)
Moe_Szyslak: (STRUGGLING WITH CORKSCREW) Crummy right-handed corkscrews! What does he sell?
Homer_Simpson: Uh, well actually, Moe...
HOMER_(CONT'D: I dunno.


Moe_Szyslak: Looks like this is the end.
Barney_Gumble: That's all right. I couldn't have led a richer life.
Barney_Gumble: So the next time somebody tells you county folk are good, honest people, you can spit in their faces for me!
Lisa_Simpson: I will, Mr. Gumbel. But if you'll excuse me, I'm profiling my dad for the school paper. I thought it would be neat to follow him around for a day to see what makes him tick.
Barney_Gumble: Oh, that's sweet. I used to follow my dad to a lot of bars too. (BELCH)
Moe_Szyslak: Here you go. One beer, one chocolate milk.
Lisa_Simpson: Uh, excuse me, I have the chocolate milk.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh.
Moe_Szyslak: What's the matter, Homer? The depressin' effects of alcohol usually don't kick in 'til closing time.
Lisa_Simpson: He's just a little nervous. (PROUDLY) He has to give a speech tomorrow on "How To Keep Cool In A Crisis."
Homer_Simpson: (SOBS) What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
Barney_Gumble: Hey, I had to give a speech once. I was pretty nervous, so I used a little trick. I pictured everyone in their underwear. The judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody.
Homer_Simpson: Did it work?
Barney_Gumble: I'm a free man, ain't I?
Barney_Gumble: Whoa!
Barney_Gumble: Huh? A pretzel? Wow, looks like I pulled a Homer!


Patrons: (MUMBLING, NOT IN UNISON) Happy thoughts... happy thoughts... we love that boy.
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check. ... (LOUD) Hey everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
Barney_Gumble: That's a new one (LAUGHING).
Moe_Szyslak: Now wait a minute...


Homer_Simpson: Hurry, Moe, hurry! I've only got five minutes till the music store closes.
Moe_Szyslak: Why don't you go there first?
Homer_Simpson: Hey, do I tell you how to do your job?
Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top.
Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: (LOOKING AT WATCH) Ah. Finished with fifteen seconds to spare.
Little_Man: (CONCERNED) What's the matter, buddy?
Homer_Simpson: The moron next door closed early!
Little_Man: (STIFFENING) I happen to be that moron.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, me and my trenchant mouth.
Homer_Simpson: Please, you've got to open that store.
Little_Man: Let me think about it... Eh... No.
Homer_Simpson: Okay, okay. But I want you to see a picture of the little girl you're disappointing. (GOES THROUGH HIS WALLET) Well I don't have one.
Moe_Szyslak: (TO LITTLE MAN) Come on, Jer. Open up. Be a pal. Remember when I pulled you and your wife out of that burning car?
Little_Man: (GRUDGINGLY) Okay. Okay. But now we're even. (TO HOMER) So what does your daughter need?
Homer_Simpson: (SMOOTHLY) I'll have you know, I wrote it down.
Homer_Simpson: Number Four and a half -- Stupid gum!
Homer_Simpson: Number Four and a Half reed! Whoo hoo!
Little_Man: Uh-huh. And what instrument does she play?
Homer_Simpson: (SUNK) I dunno.


Moe_Szyslak: (TO PATRONS) Figure of speech.
Moe_Szyslak: Hiya, Homer. (SIGHS)
Homer_Simpson: What's the matter, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the Junior High school next door no one would even use the cigarette machine.
Homer_Simpson: (MOUTH FULL) Yeah, things are tough all over.
Moe_Szyslak: Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself.
Homer_Simpson: Could I get a beer?
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, yeah, sure.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh sorry, I forgot we're out of beer.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I know, I got behind on my beer payments. The distributor cut me off and I spent my last ten grand on the "Love Tester".
Moe_Szyslak: You're too late, Homer. Barney sucked it dry. Cut his gums up pretty bad.
Moe_Szyslak: Take it easy, Homer. I learned how to make other drinks at Bartender's School.
Moe_Szyslak: (UNFAMILIAR) Gin and... tonic? Do they mix?
Homer_Simpson: (BRIGHTENING) Hey, I know a good drink. Really hits the spot. I invented it myself...
Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Harv.
Moe_Szyslak: Whoa, sounds like one hell of a drink. What do you call it?
Homer_Simpson: A "Flaming Homer".
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, why don't you make us up a couple of "Flaming Homers"?
Homer_Simpson: Hey Moe, you got any cough syrup?
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, let me check the lost and found.
Moe_Szyslak: What do we got here, Bowie knife, troll doll, glass eye...
Moe_Szyslak: Oh. Here we are.
Moe_Szyslak: It's not without its charm.
Homer_Simpson: Try lighting it on fire.
Moe_Szyslak: (SMILING) Whoa! Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited.
Larry: Hey, your Love Tester's busted. I want my nickel back. (COUGHS)
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, buddy. Have one on the house.
Larry: Hey, hey, this drink is delicious! And my phlegm feels looser. What do you call it?
Homer_Simpson: Well, it's called a "Flaming...
Moe_Szyslak: Moe! It's called a "Flaming Moe"! That's right, a "Flaming Moe". My name is Moe, and I invented it. That's why it's called a Flaming Moe. What? What are you lookin' at, Homer? It's a Flaming Moe I'm Moe.
Barney_Gumble: Hey, what's this?
Moe_Szyslak: A sneeze guard.
Barney_Gumble: Wow, it really works.
HARV: (CHUCKLING) I'll be back.
Homer_Simpson: Moe, I haven't seen the place this crowded since the government cracked down on you for accepting food stamps. Do you think my drink had something to do with it?
Moe_Szyslak: Who can say? It's probably a combination of things.
Patron_#1: (TO MOE) Another pitcher of those amazing "Flaming Moe's".
Patron_#2: Boy, I hate this joint, but I love that drink.
Collette: Barkeep, I couldn't help noticing your sign.
Moe_Szyslak: The one that says, "Bartenders Do It 'Til You Barf"?
Collette: No, above that store-bought drollery.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh great! Why don't we fill out an application? (READING) I'll need your name, measurements and turn ons..
Collette: You really expect me to tell you my measurements?
Moe_Szyslak: You could, but I find this way is much more accurate... and fun.
Collette: (DISGUSTED) what do you offer in the way of salary?
Moe_Szyslak: Minimum wage and tips. (MEANINGFULLY) Of course there are fringe benefits.
Collette: Such as?
Moe_Szyslak: An unforgettable weekend at Club Moe.
Collette: I prefer to take my vacations someplace hot.
Moe_Szyslak: I like your moxie, kid. You're hired.
Collette: You shan't regret this.
Moe_Szyslak: Methinks I shan't.
HARV: (TO MOE) Pardon me, are you the genius behind the "Flaming Moe"?
Homer_Simpson: Why yes I --
Moe_Szyslak: (CUTTING HIM OFF) I'm your man.
HARV: Huh uh. My name is Harv Bannister. I work for "Tipsy McStagger's Good Time Drinking and Eating Emporium".
Moe_Szyslak: Oh yeah? Hey, what's Mr. McStagger really like?
HARV: Actually, there is no Tipsy McStagger. He's just a composite of other successful logos.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, you tell him from me that he makes one great mozzarella stick.
HARV: (QUICKLY) Yes, fine, I will. Anyway, I've got a proposition for you.
Moe_Szyslak: Keep talkin'.
HARV: We feel your "Flaming Moe" is perfect for our restaurant chain. We want to buy the recipe.
Moe_Szyslak: No dice. The "Flaming Moe" is not for sale. Do you know how much of my blood and sweat are in this drink?
Barney_Gumble: Good for you, Moe. Only an idiot would give away a million dollar idea like that.
Moe_Szyslak: (TO HARV) I'm sorry, but the secret ingredient dies with me.
Delivery_Man: (TO MOE) Thirty cases of cough syrup. Sign here.
Moe_Szyslak: (COVERING NERVOUS LAUGHING) I got hooked on this stuff in the service.
Homer_Simpson: (QUIETLY) Hi, Moe. Where's that waitress of yours?
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, she left to pursue a movie career. Frankly I think she was better off here.
Homer_Simpson: Moe, sorry I lost you hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, hey, hey. Maybe some things are too good to be kept a secret.
Homer_Simpson: I guess so.
Moe_Szyslak: Compliments of the house. (WARMLY) One "Flaming Homer".
Homer_Simpson: Ahh. Thanks, Moe. You're the greatest friend a guy could ever have.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, do you think Aerosmith will be in tonight?
Moe_Szyslak: I doubt it.


Moe_Szyslak: (SHOCKED) Are you sure? Cuz once I open the bottle there's no refund.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer. Wanna Duff?
Homer_Simpson: (SMOOTHLY) No, I'd like a bottle of Henry K. Duff's Private Reserve.
Homer_Simpson: For your information, I just made a cool twenty-five dollars playing the market. Buy low, sell high, that's my motto. I may just quit my job at the power plant to become a full-time stock market guy.
Homer_Simpson: Have a Duff, boys!
Hans: (GERMAN ACCENT, FRIENDLY) Oh, thank you. My English is not perfect, but I have to tell you your beer is like swill to us. Do I have that right? I am saying that only a swine would drink this beer.
Fritz: (GERMAN ACCENT) Yeah, but thank you anyway.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, you guys aren't from around here, are you?
Hans: Ech, nein. We are from Germany. He is from the East. I am from the West.
Fritz: I had a big company and he had a big company. Now we have a very big company.
Hans: We are interested in buying the power plant. Do you think the owner would ever sell it?
Homer_Simpson: (VERY CONFIDENT) Well, I happen to know that he won't sell it for less than 100 million dollars.
Fritz: A hundred million?
Hans: Oh, don't worry! We'll still have enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns.
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
Bart_Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Uh yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem. First name... Bee.
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Ah, yeah. Just a minute, I'll check. (CALLING OUT) Uh, Bee O'Problem. Bee O'Problem. C'mon, guys. Do I have an O'Problem here?
Barney_Gumble: You sure do!
Moe_Szyslak: (REALIZING) Awwww. (INTO PHONE) It's you, isn't it?
Moe_Szyslak: Listen you, when I get a hold of you, I'm gonna use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
Bart_Simpson: Excuse me, I'm looking for --
Moe_Szyslak: Wait a minute. I know that voice.
Moe_Szyslak: If it isn't little Bart Simpson! I haven't seen you in years.
Bart_Simpson: That's right. That's my pop!
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, little Bart... we hear all about your monkeyshines.
Moe_Szyslak: (CONSPIRATORIAL) Bet you get into all kinds of trouble he don't even know about. Am I right? Huh? Am I right?
Bart_Simpson: (CAN'T RESIST) Yeah, well, I make some crank phone calls.
Moe_Szyslak: (MUSSES BART'S HAIR) (LAUGHS) That's great! Hey, would you sing that old song you used to sing for me?
Bart_Simpson: (A LITTLE EMBARRASSED) Moe, for you... anything?
Bart_Simpson: (SINGING) EVERY TEDDY BEAR WHO'S BEEN GOOD IS SURE OF A TREAT TODAY/ THERE'S LOTS OF MARVELOUS THINGS TO EAT, AND WONDERFUL GAMES TO PLAY/ BENEATH THE TREES, WHERE NOBODY SEES/ THEY'LL HIDE AND SEEK AS LONG AS THEY PLEASE/ TODAY'S THE DAY THE TEDDY BEARS HAVE THEIR PICNIC!
Moe_Szyslak: He's a pip, this one is!
C._Montgomery_Burns: Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned. Hold your nose, Smithers, we're going in!
C._Montgomery_Burns: (TO SMITHERS) Watch me blend in. (TO MOE) Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my "buddy" here.
Homer_Simpson: I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile!
C._Montgomery_Burns: Smithers, who is this saucy fellow?
Waylon_Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. Sector Sieben-gruben -- I mean, Sector 7G. Recently terminated.
Homer_Simpson: That's right. I lost my job so that you could have another 100 million dollars.
Homer_Simpson: (POINTED) Let me ask you something. Does your money cheer you up when you're feeling blue?
C._Montgomery_Burns: Yes.
Homer_Simpson: Okay, bad example. So let me ask you this, does your money ever hug you when you come home at night?
C._Montgomery_Burns: (SHAKEN) Why, no.
Homer_Simpson: And does it ever say, "I love you?"
C._Montgomery_Burns: (SHAKEN) No, it doesn't.
Homer_Simpson: (SING-SONG) Nobody loves you. Nobody loves you. You're old and you're ugly. Nobody loves you. Yea, yea, yea yea!
Homer_Simpson: Nobody loves you...
C._Montgomery_Burns: Good heavens, Smithers! They're not afraid of me anymore!
Bart_Simpson: Hey Mr. Burns, did you get that letter I sent?
C._Montgomery_Burns: Letter? I don't recall any letter...
Bart_Simpson: That's because I forgot to stamp it.
Moe_Szyslak: (LAUGHING) Ah, that kid slays me.
C._Montgomery_Burns: That was no accident. Let's get out of here.
Homer_Simpson: (SINGING) Na na na na / Na na na na /
Barflies: Hey hey hey / Goodbye -- Na na na na / na na na na / hey hey hey / goodbye...
C._Montgomery_Burns: What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man? (DETERMINED) I've got to get my plant back!


Moe_Szyslak: Moe's Tavern. Where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly.
Homer_Simpson: Moe, I'd like to bet twenty dollars on Denver.
Moe_Szyslak: (SLYLY) I think I can provide that service. (LOOKING AROUND) Um, uh, Chief Wiggum, could you hand me that little black book?
Chief_Wiggum: Oh, sure thing, Moe. I was just using it as a coaster.
Homer_Simpson: Twenty big ones on Denver.
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Pleasure doing business with you, (COYLY) H. S.
Homer_Simpson: (TO TV) All right, Denver. Justify my love.
Football_Announcer: At the end of thirteen seconds of play, it's New England seven, Denver nothing.
Lisa_Simpson: Look, Dad. I made a modest studio apartment for my Malibu Stacey doll. This is the kitchen, this is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter...
Lisa_Simpson: DAAAAAD! You're not listening to me.
Homer_Simpson: (GRUMBLING) Lousy, stupid Denver.
Homer_Simpson: The usual, Moe. A beer and a wad of bills.
Moe_Szyslak: (SARCASTIC LAUGH) Okay, ya lucky moron.
Moe_Szyslak: Here you go, Homer. A hundred and thirty-five dollars.
Homer_Simpson: (SAGELY) I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet. (SNIFFS DEEPLY) Now it's the smell of victory.
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, shut up.
Moe_Szyslak: Hundred and ten, a hundred and twenty... You lucky son-of-a...
Barney_Gumble: Hey Homer, you wanna go bowling next Sunday?
Homer_Simpson: Barney, are you nuts? That's the Super Bowl. How about the Sunday after that?
Barney_Gumble: Well, my ma's coming in from Norway, but... uh what the hell. (BELCHES)
Moe_Szyslak: Moe's Tavern, Home of the Super Sunday Brunch Spectacular.
Barney_Gumble: Oh! Baloney. Bread!
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Gotcha ya down for forty bucks. Good luck Your Eminence.
Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer, you can't take any more of my money. I'm, uh, outta the bookie business.
Barney_Gumble: But Moe, you've been taking bets all...
Moe_Szyslak: (CUTTING HIM OFF) Hey Barney, how 'bout a free beer?
Barney_Gumble: Wow! (BELCH)
Homer_Simpson: Don't worry, Moe. I'm not bettin'.
Moe_Szyslak: What? Gimme that.
Homer_Simpson: I had the greatest gift of all, a little girl who could pick football and I ruined it.
Bret: Well sir, we're two hours and forty-five minutes into the pre-game show and we've got ourselves a special guest. Actor Troy McClure, whose new sitcom is premiering tonight -- coincidentally enough, right after the game!
Troy_McClure: Thanks, Bret. My new show's called "Handle with Care". I play Jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a retired criminal. We're the original odd couple!
Bret: What made you want to do a situation comedy?
Troy_McClure: Well, I fell in love with the script, Bret, and my recent trouble with the IRS sealed the deal.
Bret: Could be another Drexel's Class. Ooh, looks like we're almost ready for the kickoff.
Football_Announcer: Dallas kicks -- oh, it's a bad kick, way too short. Buffalo's going to start with excellent field position.
Homer_Simpson: Buffalo's gonna win. Lisa hates me! (SOBS)
Larry: Whatcha got riding on this game?
Homer_Simpson: My daughter.
Larry: (WHISTLES) What a gambler.
Football_Announcer: That was the score at the half. Buffalo fourteen: Dallas seven.
Barflies: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Yea!!
Duff_Announcer: It's a touchdown for half-back Dan Beer-dorf! Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl!
Moe_Szyslak: They wanted it more.
Barney_Gumble: Hey Homer, didn't you say if Duff Dry wins, your daughter loves you?
Homer_Simpson: (AGGRAVATED) Not Duff Dry... Dallas.
Barney_Gumble: Okay, okay. They're both great teams.
Homer_Simpson: (LOOKING UP) Huh?
Football_Announcer: Touchdown Cowboys!
Homer_Simpson: All right, we're back in business.
Football_Announcer: So, with three ticks left on the clock, it all comes down to this one play. If Dallas scores here, happy fans'll be looting and turning over cars in the Lone Star state tonight. Here's the handoff.
Homer_Simpson: Please, please, please...
Football_Announcer: Touchdown! Stick a fork in this one. It is done. The Dallas Cowboys wins Super Bowl twenty-nine.
Homer_Simpson: Yes! She loves me! She loves me!
Moe_Szyslak: What are you so happy about Homer? You didn't win any money.
Homer_Simpson: Money comes and money goes, but what I have with my daughter can go on for eight more years!


Homer_Simpson: Hi Barney. Thanks for keeping me company.
Barney_Gumble: No problem. (TO MAGGIE) Well, well, if it isn't little Bart. (SCRATCHING MAGGIE'S CHIN) Remember your Uncle Barney? Hey Homer, let me hold him.
Homer_Simpson: (HANDING MAGGIE OVER) All right, but just be careful.
Barney_Gumble: Whoa... someone smells stinky. (SNIFFING SHIRT) Oh, it's me.


Barney_Gumble: And I say, England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston.
Wade_Boggs: Pit the Elder.
Barney_Gumble: (JUMPS OFF STOOL) Lord Palmerston!
Wade_Boggs: (POKING BARNEY) Pit the Elder!
Barney_Gumble: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
Moe_Szyslak: (SCORNFULLY) Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney. Pit the Elder.
Barney_Gumble: (IN MOE'S FACE) Lord Palmerston!


Barney_Gumble: (AMAZED) Did you say one hundred and thirty million dollars?
Homer_Simpson: Yeah!
Moe_Szyslak: Pfft, the lottery. Exploiter of the poor and ignorant.
Barney_Gumble: You know, I heard the jackpot's up to one hundred and thirty million dollars.
Homer_Simpson: (SPITTING OUT BEER) One hundred and thirty million dollars!
Sadistic_Barfly: C'mon boozehound! You want the twenty five cents, don't you? Keep singin'!
Homer_Simpson: (SINGING) BUFFALO GALS WON'T YOU COME OUT TONIGHT / COME OUT TONIGHT / COME OUT TONIGHT... OH BUFFALO GALS...
Young_Barfly: Who's that old rummy?
Moe_Szyslak: (OFFENDED) Before his dog got sick, that "old rummy" used to be my best customer.
Homer_Simpson: (SINGING) AND DANCE BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOONNNNNNNN!
Sadistic_Barfly: Go get it, pal.
Homer_Simpson: My quarter!!! (MOAN)


Homer_Simpson: Oh, no. I went to this bar the other night, and they...
Moe_Szyslak: Wha...wha... Wait a minute. You went to another bar?
Homer_Simpson: Hey Moe, you got any Fudd?
Moe_Szyslak: Fudd? I thought they took that off the market after all those hillbillies went blind.
Homer_Simpson: Moe, I was a hundred miles outta town.
Moe_Szyslak: (SADLY) Oh, Homer.


Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: Keep those pickled eggs comin', Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: You cleaned me out Smokin' Joe. What's the matter Homer? Cummerbund too tight?
Homer_Simpson: (SADLY) I miss my couch.
Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: I know how you feel. You lost a couch. I lost a heavyweight championship.
Homer_Simpson: Pfft! Heavyweight championship. There's like three of those. That couch was one of a kind.
Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: Homer, I know things are tough now. But one day you'll be walking along and you'll see a piece of furniture that you can love just as much.
Barney_Gumble: Hey, Frazier, shut up!
Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: Barney, you've been riding my back all night.
Barney_Gumble: Oh yeah? Care to step outside?
Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: Let's do it.
Homer_Simpson: (FINISHING BEER) I think I'm gonna take a walk.
Barney_Gumble: All right! A peanut!
Barney_Gumble: Come on washer!
Moe_Szyslak: (HITS DRYER) Oh, you stupid dryer!


Homer_Simpson: Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson. I won't be coming in tomorrow -- Religious holiday... The uh, Feast of... (LOOKING AT SIGN) Maximum Occupancy.
Moe_Szyslak: Pretty slick.
Homer_Simpson: Well, you should join my religion, Moe. It's great. No Hell... no kneeling....
Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. I was born a Snake-Handler and I'll die a Snake-Handler.


Homer_Simpson: Moe, have you ever felt unattractive?
Moe_Szyslak: Mmmm... no.
Homer_Simpson: How about you, Barney?
Barney_Gumble: Not for a second (BELCH).
Homer_Simpson: (SIGH) I need help.
Tv_Father: (WITH EACH TOSS) Whee... whee... whee.... whee... wheeeee...
Tv_Father: (TO THE CAMERA) I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest.
Jack_Larson: Well, now, there's a way to prove it.
Tv_Father: Wow, president of Laramie Cigarettes, Jack Larson!
Jack_Larson: This year, Laramie is sponsoring the Little Miss Springfield pageant. You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on TV. (HE TAKES OUT A CIGARETTE AND SMOKES IT) Ah, that sweet Carolina smoke. But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant for little girls age seven to nine.
Homer_Simpson: Lisa's age seven to nine!
Jack_Larson: Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host, the Maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown!
Krusty_the_Clown: I heartily endorse this event or product.
Tv_Daughter: What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker taking that first puff in the morning.
Homer_Simpson: That could be Lisa!
Announcer: The Little Miss Springfield Pageant. Only 250 dollars to enter.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket?
Barney_Gumble: Sure!
Homer_Simpson: (GASPS) Where'd you get all the money?
Barney_Gumble: From some scientists. Since they stopped testing on animals, a guy like me can really clean up.


Mrs._Powers: But it says "good for one free beer at Moe's." This is Moe's Tavern, isn't it?
Moe_Szyslak: (LYING) No, this is... Bo's Cavern.
Mrs._Powers: (DISGUSTED) Give me my beer.
Moe_Szyslak: Stupid Welcome Mobile, I knew it would ruin me.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, just a sec, I'll check. (TO EVERYONE) Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss!
Barney_Gumble: Maybe your standards are too high.
Moe_Szyslak: You little S.O.B., if I ever find out who you are I'm gonna shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
Moe_Szyslak: Ah-ha, big mistake pal! (TO SELF) I knew he'd slip up sooner or later.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, yes. Rusty and dull.
Moe_Szyslak: Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone.
Barney_Gumble: (SHAKING HIS HEAD) What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for? (GASP) Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray. (SLURPS IT, THEN SIGHS)


Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer, phone call.


Barney_Gumble: Uh-oh. My heart just stopped. (LONG BEAT) Ah, there it goes.
Moe_Szyslak: Ivana Tinkle. Just a sec. Ivana Tinkle. Ivana Tinkle. All right, everybody put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle.
Captain: Har, har, har.


Moe_Szyslak: Here you go, Mr. Plow. A beer on the house.
Barney_Gumble: Wow, Moe, you didn't even give a beer to those freed Iranian hostages.
Teenage_Barney: I don't know. The SAT's are tomorrow.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, they shouldn't have been there in the first place. But Homer is a real hero.
Barney_Gumble: I wish I was a hero.
Homer_Simpson: Well wishing won't make it so. You've got to pull up your diaper, get out there, and be the best damn Barney you can be.
Barney_Gumble: Here I come world!
Homer_Simpson: How do you think he'll do, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: (PROUDLY) I think he'll do just fine.
Moe_Szyslak: (TO BARNEY) Linda Ronstadt? How'd you get her?
Barney_Gumble: Eh, we've been lookin' for a project to do together for a while.
Linda_Ronstadt: (SINGING) WHEN THE SNOW STARTS A FALLIN'... THERE'S A MAN YOU SHOULD BE CALLIN'... THAT'S KL5-4796 -- LET IT RING; /MR. PLOW IS A LOSER AND / I THINK HE IS A BOOZER...
Barney_Gumble: (SINGING) SO YOU BETTER MAKE THAT CALL TO THE PLOW KING.
Homer_Simpson: How could you, Barney? After all I've done for you.
Teenage_Barney: (INTELLIGENT) Lachrymose is to dyspeptic as ebullient is to... (THINKS) effervescent! (CHECKS ANSWER) All right! Harvard here I come!
Teenage_Barney: All right. Just one -- if it'll get you off my back.
Teenage_Barney: Hey, where have (BELCHES "YOU") been all my life?


Moe_Szyslak: Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend Homer Simpson.
Barney_Gumble: How long has it been?
Moe_Szyslak: Six seconds.
Barney_Gumble: Do we have to start over?
Moe_Szyslak: Hell, no.


Moe_Szyslak: (READING) "To Moe -- From Your Secret Admirer."
Barney_Gumble: (GIVES A LITTLE WAVE) Yoo hoo!
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, God, no.


Moe_Szyslak: (SNIDE) Well, well look who it is. Mr. "I don't need alcohol to enjoy life." We hate him, right fellas?
Homer_Simpson: Moe, gimme a beer.
Moe_Szyslak: (CHEERY) Hey everybody! Homer's back!
Moe_Szyslak: (A LITTLE TOO DESPERATE) C'mon Homer. Do it for your old pal Moesy.
Barney_Gumble: But Moe. Yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of...
Moe_Szyslak: Pipe down, rub-a-dub.
Barney_Gumble: Ow.
Homer_Simpson: Put it in the fridge, Moe. I got a date with my wife.
Moe_Szyslak: You'll be back. (POINTING AROUND) And so will you... and you... And you!
Barney_Gumble: Of course I'll be back. If you didn't close, I'd never leave.


Anthony_Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds thirty-thousand people.
Moe_Szyslak: (LYING) It does. We had thirty thousand here last night. Now play. The audience is gettin' restless.
Barney_Gumble: We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy!
Bart_Simpson: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers. Would you guys like to appear on a Krusty the Klown Special?
Flea: (ASIDE) Sure -- if you get us out of this gig.
Bart_Simpson: No problemo. (POINTS) Hey, Moe! Look over there.
Moe_Szyslak: What?... What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'. I'm gonna stop looking soon... What... what, is that it?
Homer_Simpson: Hey, Moe, can I look too?
Moe_Szyslak: Sure, but it'll cost ya.
Homer_Simpson: (EXCITED) My wallet's in the car.
Moe_Szyslak: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall... (HE STARES)
Miss_Lois_Pennycandy: Here's that ruby-studded clown nose you ordered, Krusty. (HOLDS IT UP)
Johnny_Carson: Now, Krusty, I just hope you remembered to save your money this time.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey you can't come in here dressed like that.
Dr._Julius_Hibbert: Get with the times, Moe.
Chief_Wiggum: Yeah. I say, if it feels good, do it.
Dr._Julius_Hibbert: All right.
Chief_Wiggum: Don't snap my undies.
Krusty_the_Clown: I'm a star again. (WARMLY) I don't know how to thank you kids.
Bart_Simpson: That's alright, Krusty.
Lisa_Simpson: We're getting 50% of the T-shirt sales.
Krusty_the_Clown: (MAD) What!? That's the sweetest plum. You... little... (THEN) Ahh. What the Hell. You deserve it. Thanks kids.
Bart_Simpson: To Krusty. The greatest entertainer in the world. (POINTS) Except maybe that guy.
Grampa_Simpson: Is this the bus to the Civic Center?


Seymour_Skinner: (SINGING) Hello...
Homer_Simpson: (SINGING) Hello...
Chief_Wiggum: (SINGING) Hello...
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (SINGING) Hello...
All: (SINGING) HELLO, MA BABY / HELLO, MA HONEY / HELLO, MA RAGTIME, RAGTIME GAL / SEND ME A KISS BY WIRE... ETC.
Homer_Simpson: Every afternoon at Moe's, Chief Wiggum, Principal Skinner, Apu and I would get together and sing... and the crowds went wild.
Barney_Gumble: Yoo hoo!
Homer_Simpson: (SINGS) SO GOODBYE...
Chief_Wiggum: (SINGS) FAREWELL...
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (SINGS) SHOP KWIK-E-MART AND SAVE...
All: GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLE / GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLE / GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLAND BABE!
Nigel_Bakerbutcher: Homer, I'm a theatrical agent, and I want to represent your group.
Homer_Simpson: Really?
Nigel_Bakerbutcher: Yeah!
Nigel_Bakerbutcher: You've got... it! (DISTASTE) All except that police officer. (DISGUSTED NOISE) Too Village People. You'll have to replace him.
Homer_Simpson: (SLY) Just leave it to me.
Seymour_Skinner: (SHAKING HANDS) Principal Seymour Skinner.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
Nigel_Bakerbutcher: Never fit on a marquee, luv. From now on, your name is Apu Du Beaumarchais.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my God, but okay.
Homer_Simpson: It was one lousy applicant after another. And then...
Tenor: (SINGING) OVER IN KILLARNEY / SO MANY YEARS AGO...
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Such a voice!
Seymour_Skinner: Who is that?
Tenor: (SINGING) ME MITHER SANG THIS SONG TO ME / IN TONES SO SOFT AND (BELCH)...
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Barney!
Crowd: (CHANTING) WIGGUM FOREVER, BARNEY NEVER! WIGGUM FOREVER, BARNEY NEVER!...
Barney_Gumble: (SINGS) SWE-EE-EE-EE-EET ADELEINE.
Seymour_Skinner: (SINGS) SWEET ADELEINE.
Barney_Gumble: (SINGS) MY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y ADELEINE.
Seymour_Skinner: (SINGS) MY ADELEINE....
Crowd: (CHANTING) BARNEY FOREVER, WIGGUM NEVER! BARNEY FOREVER, WIGGUM NEVER!...
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job.
Nigel_Bakerbutcher: I didn't pay any girls to scream.
Moe_Szyslak: (TOO BIG) Hanh?!!!
All: (AD LIB) Look at this. / We sounded great, huh? / Etc.
Seymour_Skinner: Only one question remains gentlemen. What do we call ourselves?
Nigel_Bakerbutcher: How about Handsome Homer Simpson Plus Three?
Barney_Gumble: I like it.
Seymour_Skinner: We need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: How about The Be Sharps!
Seymour_Skinner: Perfect.
Homer_Simpson: The Be Sharps.
Seymour_Skinner: The Be Sharps.
Barney_Gumble: The Be Sharps.
Chief_Wiggum: The Be Sharps. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
Chief_Wiggum: (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) well, can't blame a guy for trying. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Aw, you're all under arrest.
Moe_Szyslak: (FRIENDLY) Hey, Barney, what'll it be?
Barney_Gumble: I'd like a beer Moe.
Kako: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.
Moe_Szyslak: Here you go.


Lisa_Simpson: We know you're the one behind this. So knock it off or we're going to the cops.
Moe_Szyslak: (QUIETLY) No no, I'll take care of it.
Moe_Szyslak: Okay it's over! Get 'em out of here!
Moe_Szyslak: (TO BEARS) All right, andalay! Andalay!


Homer_Simpson: Sometimes you gotta go where everybody knows your name.
Homer_Simpson: (VERY UP) Hi guys!
Homer_Simpson: Moe, get the darts. I want to play.
Moe_Szyslak: No. We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're havin' fun.


Homer_Simpson: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah.
Homer_Simpson: See, I got this friend named...(PAUSE) Joey Joe Joe Junior... (PAUSE) Schabadoo.
Moe_Szyslak: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Barney_Gumble: (CALLING AFTER HIM) Hey, Joey Joe Joe!
Homer_Simpson: Oh, what the hell, it's me. I'm attracted to another woman. What am I going to do?
Barney_Gumble: (RECITING) "Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman, and you'll realize you have nothing in common."
Homer_Simpson: Barney. That is so insightful. How did you come up with that?
Barney_Gumble: It was on one of these bar napkins.


Homer_Simpson: Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need code names. I'll be "Cueball." Skinner can be "Eightball", Barney will be "Twelveball," and Moe, you can be "Cueball."
Moe_Szyslak: You're an idiot.


Dr._Babcock: Excuse me?
Homer_Simpson: Hello, is this President Clinton? Good. I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang it'd be you... shut up!
Dr._Babcock: Are you the person that called NASA yesterday?
Homer_Simpson: (GASP) No. It wasn't me, I swear. It was... him.
STILLWATER: Sir, how would you like to get higher than you've ever been in your life?
Barney_Gumble: Be an astronaut? Sure.
STILLWATER: Well, welcome aboard. I think you'll find that this will win you the respect of your family and friends.
Homer_Simpson: (GASP) Respect?! Nooo! It was me! I made the crank call. I do it all the time. Check with the FBI, I have a file. I HAVE A FIIIIILE.
STILLWATER: (SHRUGGING) Eh, better take both of them.
STILLWATER: I don't really think that was necessary. They wanted to be astronauts.
Dr._Babcock: I know.


Homer_Simpson: Hey everyone!
Homer_Simpson: I'd like to introduce Ned Flanders, my best friend.
Moe_Szyslak: (TO HOMER) Hey, I don't want no people in here with their evils of alcohol rap.
Ned_Flanders: Wait a second. You're the man at the hospital who reads to sick children.


Moe_Szyslak: I think you're taking unfair advantage of my generous offer.
Homer_Simpson: Shut up.


Marge_Simpson: I can hit that one pin all right. But the rest of them don't even wobble.
Moe_Szyslak: Lemme check. (TO BARFLIES) Phone call for Al, Al Caholic. / Uh, Jacques Strap! / Is I Pee Freely here? / Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Uh, Homer Sexual / My Crotch / A Amanda Huggenkiss? / A Huge Ass / "Ivanna Tinkle" / I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
Marge_Simpson: No, no, no. No, ask your heart what its fondest desire is.
Homer_Simpson: Hm...
Homer_Simpson: Mmmm, Chocolate... / Mmmm, invisible cola. / Mmmm, Forbidden donut. / Mmmm sacrilicious. Mmmm, (INDECIPHERABLE) / Mmmm, free goo. Mmmm, something.
Marge_Simpson: No, think about people. About moments in your life that have been very romantic.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, okay.
Marge_Simpson: That's not the idea at all. (THINKS) Okay, well this story isn't ideal, I've never told it to you before.
Marge_Simpson: I got a very thoughtless birthday present from someone who shall remain nameless.
Marge_Simpson: So I actually went to the bowling alley to spite him, or her... (MORE CLIPS)
Marge_Simpson: (EMBARRASSED) Oh!
Marge_Simpson: I'm awfully sorry.
Jacques: Entirely my fault. (PAUSE) It is nice to meet you... (LOOKS AT HER BALL)... Homer.
Marge_Simpson: (FLUSTERED) Oh, no, no. Homer is my... ball's name. I'm Marge.
Jacques: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They are far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball.
Marge_Simpson: No... no, thank you, Mr... uh... (LOOKS AT THE NAME ON HIS BALL)... Brunswick.
Jacques: Call me Jacques.
Marge_Simpson: Jacques.
Jacques: Marge.
Marge_Simpson: Hmmm.
Jacques: May I ask you a bold question?
Marge_Simpson: Sure.
Jacques: You've never bowled before?
Marge_Simpson: Never.
Jacques: No?
Marge_Simpson: No.
Jacques: Then I will teach you.
Marge_Simpson: Oh, I don't want to trouble you.
Jacques: Not at all. I am a professional. Roll the ball for me, Marge. Let me see your form.
Marge_Simpson: All right. But I'm not very good.
Jacques: I can help you, Marge. Pick up the ball. Pick up Homer. Pick him up.
Marge_Simpson: Oh!
Jacques: Now, throw!
Marge_Simpson: But...
Jacques: Throw, damn you!
Marge_Simpson: (GASPS) You're a very good teacher!


Lenny_Leonard: (SHIFTY EYED) Hey, Moe. You got change for a five?
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, sure thing, Lenny.
Moe_Szyslak: Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! A snake in the cash register. (LAUGHS) Great prank, fellas, great. Oh, I'm gonna be sick tonight.
Barney_Gumble: Hey Moe, you wanna smell my flower?
Moe_Szyslak: (GENUINELY ENTHUSED) Do I?!
Moe_Szyslak: (LAUGHS, PATTING OUT FLAMES) I'm burnin' up, here. Ooh, ooh, taking advantage of my alcohol soaked clothes. (LAUGHS) It's funny and it makes you think.
Moe_Szyslak: (SERIOUS) Oh I need some coffee before I black out. Homer, pass me the sugar.
Homer_Simpson: (TO HIMSELF) This is gonna to be great.
Moe_Szyslak: Ooh!
Barney_Gumble: Geez!
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, there's sugar all over the bar now.
Lenny_Leonard: That's not funny, Homer.
Barney_Gumble: Yeah, we were just messin' around. And you had to go too far.
Moe_Szyslak: How many people want Homer banned from this place for life?
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah!
Homer_Simpson: (PLEADING) Ah, come on, everybody. This bar is like a tavern to me.
Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. You should have thought of that before you gave me the old sugar-me-do. I'm taking your caricature down from Mt. Lushmore.
Moe_Szyslak: And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the juke box.
Homer_Simpson: (GASP) "It's Raining Men?"
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, not no more it ain't.
Waylon_Smithers: Oww. (READING LABEL, SUDDENLY INTRIGUED) Ohh...
Homer_Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Jokes on them. I'm still alive.
Man: (VERY POLITE) Greetings, good man. Might I trouble you for a drink?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, get outta here, Homer.
Man: (TOO INNOCENT) "Homer?" Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito.
Homer_Simpson: (GASPS) Gr-aargh! Oh my God, this man is my exact double. (GASPS WITH EQUAL ASTONISHMENT) That dog has a puffy tail!
Homer_Simpson: Here, Puff! Here Puff! (GIGGLES)
Homer_Simpson: The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking.
Homer_Simpson: Shut up, liver.
Homer_Simpson: (PUZZLED) Ooh, my liver hurts.


Moe_Szyslak: Sure, Homer, I can loan you all the money you need. However (HE LEANS IN CONFIDENTIALLY) since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.
Homer_Simpson: (LOOKING AT HIS LEGS) Gosh, Moe, I use these all the time. Couldn't you just bash my head in?
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey! Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works? (HE PULLS OUT A HUGE SLEDGE-HAMMER) Now let's do this thing.


Barney_Gumble: There's a line in "Othello" about a drinker -- "now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast." That pretty well covers it.
Woman: It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender -- he has the soul of a poet.
Barney_Gumble: (TURNING TO HER) You're very kind.
Woman: (DISGUSTED) Excuse me did something crawl down your throat and die?
Barney_Gumble: It didn't die.
Barney_Gumble: My name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa_Simpson: Mr. Gumbel, this is a Girl Scout meeting.
Barney_Gumble: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?


Kent_Brockman: And tonight the following celebrities have been arrested:
Kent_Brockman: ...while Heather Locklear Fortensky remains at large. Remember, if you see any celebrities, consider them dangerous.
HUGH: You know, I rather like this pub.
Moe_Szyslak: (POURING) Oh, an English boy, eh? You know we saved your ass in World War Two.
HUGH: Yeah, well, we saved your ass in World War Three.
Moe_Szyslak: That's true.
Homer_Simpson: Hugh, there's something I want you to have. My Dad gave me his cuff links to wear on the day I married Marge, and they brought us good luck. I couldn't imagine a happier marriage. We don't have many traditions in our family, but it'd mean a lot to me if you kept this one alive.
HUGH: (MOVED) Well I'd be honored...
HUGH: (FINISHING WITH LESS ENTHUSIASM) ...to wear... those... things.
Bart_Simpson: Ow! Hey watch those virtual darts. I'm trying to play virtual pool!
Other_Player: Ow!
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey, no fightin' in my bar.


Moe_Szyslak: Hey! If you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge ya.
Barney_Gumble: These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?
Male_Inspector: (SHOCKED) Man alive! There are men alive in here!
Female_Inspector: I'm detecting over twenty different toxins in the air.
Male_Inspector: All right, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed.
Moe_Szyslak: Damn Burns... (STEELY-EYED RAGE) Lemme just get one thing.
Barney_Gumble: Me too.
Barney_Gumble: Ahhhh, now there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.


Barney_Gumble: Wow! You mean you were one of the original Little Rascals?
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah.
Homer_Simpson: Which one were you? The ugly one?
Homer_Simpson: Were you the ugly one?
Moe_Szyslak: No. I was the tough kid. Smelly. My shtick was looking into an exhaust pipe and gettin' a faceful of soot. Heh, nobody could do that better than me. Of course, it was kinda hard to think of reasons for me to look in that exhaust pipe every time, but you know, we had good writers. William Faulkner could write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think.
Barney_Gumble: If you were such a big shot, why aren't you still making movies?
Barney_Gumble: Moe?... Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh no! My favorite aggie!
Moe_Szyslak: You stole my bit! You... That's my bit ya... Ya... ooh, ooh, you stole my bit!
Director: Cut!
Stagehand: Oh my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan owned by the studio.
All: (MURMUR UNDERSTANDING ASSENT) Oh, I see / Yeah / That makes sense.
Kent_Brockman: With wealthy Hollywood people on the way, local merchants can be forgiven for raising their prices a little.


Barney_Gumble: (FLAILING) Agh! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!
Dr._Julius_Hibbert: (LOOKING AROUND) Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a family restaurant.
Moe_Szyslak: (LYING) Oh, it is. It is. Just, uh, pull them stools up to the pool table.
Little_Hibbert_Girl: Daddy, this place smells like tinkle.
Dr._Julius_Hibbert: Mmm-hmm, I think we'll just go to The Texas Cheesecake Depository.
Moe_Szyslak: Everybody is goin' to family restaurants these days. Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.
Carl_Carlson: Ya ain't thinking of gettin' rid of the dank, are ya, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, maybe I am.
Carl_Carlson: Aw, but Moe, the dank. The dank!
Moe_Szyslak: (LOST IN THOUGHT) Yeah. Family restaurants. That's where the big bucks are. I could turn this joint into a place where you wouldn't be ashamed to bring your family, huh?
Homer_Simpson: I'm not ashamed.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, put a coaster under that.
Moe_Szyslak: So come on. I need a name that says friendly, all-American cooking.
Homer_Simpson: How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok?
Barney-Shaped_Form: I like it!
Moe_Szyslak: Nah. I want something that says people can have a nice, relaxing time.
Homer_Simpson: I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker!
Barney-Shaped_Form: I like it!
Moe_Szyslak: (SNAPS FINGERS, INSPIRED) Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag?
Barney-Shaped_Form: I hate it.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh boy. The deep fryer's here.
Moe_Szyslak: I got it used from the Navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in forty seconds.
Homer_Simpson: Forty seconds? (WHINING) But I want it now.
Moe_Szyslak: G'on, take it all. Get it all out of here.
Barney_Gumble: You know, Moe, you might want to keep the fire extinguishers.
Moe_Szyslak: Nah. Too many bad memories.
Barney_Gumble: Well, look at the bright side, Moe. You still got us.
Moe_Szyslak: (CHEERING UP) Yeah. Yeah, you know, that actually makes me feel a little better.
Homer_Simpson: Why? That was the problem in the first place. You were going broke because we were your only customers. Wasn't that the problem in the first place? That you were going broke... Moe?
Homer_Simpson: Moe? Hey, Moe? Oh, you're thinking about all the money you blew, aren'tcha?
Homer_Simpson: What was it? 50-60 thousand dollars? ... Moe? Look, maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning... Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: What?
Homer_Simpson: Let me get a pad....


Moe_Szyslak: Gee, business stinks tonight. Where's Barney, Lenny, and Carl?
Homer_Simpson: Ahhh... they never come around anymore now that they've got their (ROLLING EYES) mistresses.
Moe_Szyslak: (SOTTO, LOOKING AT HOMER) Eh, might as well close the dump.
Mayor_Joe_Quimby: I'm gonna drink you under the table.
Quimby_#2: No, I am going to drink you under the...
Quimbys: (DISAPPOINTED) Awwww.
Homer_Simpson: (SIGHS) Well, you're closing. It's getting late. My kids are probably wondering where their daddy is. (DESPERATE) There's gotta be some other place we can go. Think, Moe. Think.


Homer_Simpson: (RINGING BELL) Hear ye, hear ye, my daughter has something to tell you about Jebediah Springfield.
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, the little cutie wants to do something cute... (TO BARFLIES) Shut up, ya bums, shut up! Go ahead, angel.
Lisa_Simpson: Jebediah Springfield was nothing more than an evil, blood-thirsty pirate who hated this town!
Moe_Szyslak: (SLOW & HORRIFIED) Good God. (TURNS TO HOMER) Homer, y'know I support most any prejudice you can name, but your hero-phobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain't welcome here no more. Barney, show 'em the exit.
Barney_Gumble: There's an exit?
Moe_Szyslak: (UNDER HIS BREATH) "Evil blood-thirsty pirate"... Hello, Town Jubilation Committee? I got something that's going to make you a lot less jubilant.


Moe_Szyslak: Moe's Tavern.
C._Montgomery_Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name, Waylon.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, so you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name, Waylon, is it? (SUDDENLY VICIOUS) Listen to me, you... when I catch you, I'm going to pull out your eyes and shove 'em up your pants so you can watch me kick the crap out of you. Okay? Then I'm going to use your tongue to paint my boat.
Waylon_Smithers: Uh, hello. You had a "help wanted" sign in the window?
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, yeah, I need someone to help me with the midnight beer delivery. Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely off the truck.
Waylon_Smithers: I'll just wait out back until then.
Barney_Gumble: I look forward to working with you!
Homer_Simpson: Mr. Smithers, wait!
Homer_Simpson: You can't let yourself end up in a place like this. You've got two choices: You can give up on yourself and take the Barney-guarding job, like so many of us have contemplated in our darkest moments. Or you can admit to yourself there's only one person that can make you happy and do whatever it takes to get them back.
Waylon_Smithers: You're right! But I'm going to need your help.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh,... my... God!...
Truck_Driver: Beer delivery. Just sign here-- (HORRIFIED) Oh, no, it's you!!


Homer_Simpson: (TIPSY) Aw, hell. Well... What about Dracula?
Homer_Simpson: (TIPSY) Troy, buddy, I gotta know. What's a great guy like you wanna marry a guy like Selma?
Homer_Simpson: Okay.


Moe_Szyslak: Twenty-five? (LAUGHS) Whoa! Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. S., but you know, I gotta check everybody.
Bart_Simpson: (JOVIAL) Are you kidding? I take it as a compliment! (CHUCKLE) Three beers, please!
Barney_Gumble: Hey, join the party! (SICKLY, PATHETIC BURP)
Moe_Szyslak: (ON PHONE) Ura Snotball?


Moe_Szyslak: Say, ah, Barn. Remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney_Gumble: (CHUCKLES) Oh yeah, we all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: (DEAD SERIOUS) The results came back today.
Moe_Szyslak: (READING) You owe me... 70 billion dollars. (BEAT) No, wait, wait, wait... Oh, that's uh, for the Voyager Space Craft. (BEAT) Your tab's 14 billion dollars.
Barney_Gumble: Well, alls I got is two thousand bucks.
Moe_Szyslak: (CONSIDERING) Well, that's halfway there.
Snake_Jailbird: (TO MOE) Huh. Freeze, dude. Move a muscle and I'll blow this wino's head off.
Moe_Szyslak: (MUFFLED) I'm behind three inches of bullet-proof glass. Do your worst.
Snake_Jailbird: (REASONABLE) All right.
Moe_Szyslak: No! Stay outta there! Stay outta there! Aw, Good God, no!!
Snake_Jailbird: Whoa, goodbye student loan payments! Ha-ha!
Moe_Szyslak: Come back here, you stinkin' -- (LOOKS AROUND, A BIT CONCERNED) Hey, I wonder how much air is in here.


Moe_Szyslak: Ya know what really aggravazes me, is them immiggants. They want all the benefits of livin' in Springfield, but they ain't even bothered to learn themselves the language.
Homer_Simpson: Yeah. Those are exactly my sentimonies.
Moe_Szyslak: Eh, you said it, Barn.


Jimbo's_Dad: That's for tellin' me how to raise my lousy kid!
Dolph's_Dad: This is for the crummy life I've had to live! (THROWS ANOTHER PUNCH)
Homer_Simpson: (STILL REASONABLE) The thing is -- oof! -- Bart really loves that belt and -- ugh!
Kearney's_Dad: Hey, somethin's wrong with this guy! He's not fallin' down!
Moe_Szyslak: Fun's over, fellas. If you're gonna beat up my friend in my bar, there's a two-drink minimum.
Moe_Szyslak: Jeez, Homer, I never seen a guy stand up to that kinda punishment -- I mean, you took a three-man poundin' and didn't ever fall down.
Homer_Simpson: (GLUM) Big deal. I didn't even get my kid's belt back. The only thing a loser like me is good for is taking beatings.
Moe_Szyslak: (EXCITED) There ya go! That's the spirit! Homer, I seen prizefighters couldn't take a punch half as good as you! (GETTING A BIG IDEA) Y'know, boxing might be right up your alley!
Homer_Simpson: (PERKING UP) Really?
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, please, it's the good life, Homer. Some of these boxers, they eat steak and lobster and salad bar all in a single meal!
Homer_Simpson: (GASP OF AWE) Dressing?
Moe_Szyslak: Their choice.
Homer_Simpson: You really think I could do it?
Moe_Szyslak: Well, I dunno, are you man enough to test every one of your limits?
Homer_Simpson: Yes!
Moe_Szyslak: And are you man enough to throw a punch, should the opportunity arise?
Homer_Simpson: Yes!
Moe_Szyslak: ("THE CLINCHER") And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut?
Homer_Simpson: YES!!
Moe_Szyslak: I'll take it!!
Homer_Simpson: Woo hoo!
Moe_Szyslak: Now, Homer, if I'm gonna manage your boxing career, I wantcha to have complete faith in me. C'mere, lemme show ya somethin'...
Homer_Simpson: Wow! I've never been in here before!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, well, when I realized we hadn't had no ladies in here since 1979, I turned it into an office.
Homer_Simpson: You used to be a boxer just like me?
Moe_Szyslak: Yep. They called me "Kid Gorgeous." Later on, it was "Kid Presentable." Then "Kid Gruesome." And finally, "Kid Moe."
Homer_Simpson: (NOTICING SOMETHING) Hey, what's this?
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, that -- that's my old spit bucket. Yeah, I been meanin' to empty that out.
Homer_Simpson: (GASP) You know Lucius Sweet? He's one of the biggest names in boxing! He's exactly as rich and as famous as Don King, and he looks just like him, too.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, he was my manager. Back when I was gorgeous, everybody wanted a piece of me. But somehow I just never made it to the big time.
Homer_Simpson: Why not?
Moe_Szyslak: 'Cause I got knocked out forty times in a row. That, plus politics. You know, it's all politics...
Homer_Simpson: (IN BITTER AGREEMENT) Lousy Democrats.
Barney_Gumble: Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage!
Moe_Szyslak: Okay. You're fighting a guy named Boxcar Bob.
Homer_Simpson: Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he?
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, no. Not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fighting for a sandwich.
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with 'em than I did.
Homer_Simpson: (TOUCHED) Gee, thanks, Moe... What's this?
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, that's the barbed wire. Heh. We, uh, we called that "The Stinger." They... they don't let you use that no more.
Moe_Szyslak: Now, no matter how much he hits you, you don't do nothin', okay? You don't wanna get drawn into a boxing match here.
Bart_Simpson: Way to go, Dad! Take those punches!
Lenny_Leonard: Man, that tramp's got the energy of a hobo!
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, he never stops punching... 'cept to check on his bindle.
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, Homer, he's tired! He's tired! Now's your chance! Nudge him! Nudge him!
LUCIUS: Hello, Moe. Delightful to see you again.
Moe_Szyslak: (AWED) Lucius! Hey, what's a glitterati like you doin' in my dump? I--I thought you were managing the Champ.
LUCIUS: Yes, managing Drederick has been my highest priority, even though he is temporarily incarcerated for pushing his mother down the stairs. But with his impending release, I've been strategizing for his glorious return to the shores of fistiana.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, what?
LUCIUS: (BEAT) His comeback fight. You know, boxing.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, oh, man. Yeah, well, who's donatin' his body for that one? Huh?
LUCIUS: Well, word is you manage a stalwart young pugilist who cannot be knocked down.
Moe_Szyslak: (INCREDULOUS) Homer? You want Homer to fight Tatum?
LUCIUS: Well, the fans are weary of fights that are over before they have an opportunity to even get drunk. I just need a body who can sustain verticality for three rounds.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. But Homer's no boxer, he-- he's just a freak. Tatum'll fustigate him!
LUCIUS: Well, fustigation aside, Moe, you've got a choice: you can either sit here in the ladies room with your faded memories, or you can take your last shot at the big time. (DRAMATIC) And I can make it happen.
LUCIUS: Three rounds, that's all I ask.
Moe_Szyslak: I gotta be honest with ya, Homer. I didn't bring you up here to show you my new tar-paper.
Homer_Simpson: (NAIVELY) You... didn't?
Moe_Szyslak: No. Homer, how would you like to be Heavyweight Champion of the World?
Homer_Simpson: Uh, sure.
Moe_Szyslak: Great. All you gotta do is fight Drederick Tatum. It's this Saturday. Here's your parking pass.
Homer_Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Ooh, "General!" (BEAT) Who's Drederick Tatum, anyway? Is he another hobo?
Moe_Szyslak: (EVASIVE) Uh, you know what? I'm gonna have to check on that...
Homer_Simpson: Well, I trust you, Moe. If you say I can beat this guy, then he doesn't stand a chance.


Larry: Everybody go nuts, I'm buyin'! (TO MOE) Hey, Handsome, send the bill to my dad.
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, but the last guy who charged a drink to Burns turned up in a landfill.
Barney_Gumble: Yeah. (REMEMBERING FONDLY) But it was worth it!
Larry: What's everybody in this burg have against my Dad? He's a pussycat. I tell ya, he's a doll-baby. (TO HOMER) Come on over, I'll show ya!


Kirk_Van_Houten: Homer! I want you to meet my new special lady. Say hello to Starla.
Starla: Can I have the keys to the car, lover? I feel like changing wigs.
Kirk_Van_Houten: Okay.
Kirk_Van_Houten: Starla's a temp at K-ZUG ('KAY-ZUGG') Radio 530. She's going to help me launch my singing career.
Kirk_Van_Houten: My car!
Kirk_Van_Houten: Oh! My demo tape!
Homer_Simpson: (READING) "Can I Borrow A Feeling?" (LAUGHS) "Can I Borrow A Feeling?" (STILL LAUGHING) There's your picture on the front.
Kirk_Van_Houten: Go ahead, Homer. Laugh at me.
Homer_Simpson: I already did.
Kirk_Van_Houten: You know why all this happened, don't you? 'Cause I took my marriage for granted. Y'know, in twelve years, I never once helped out with the housework.
Homer_Simpson: Oh yeah. You gotta do that.
Kirk_Van_Houten: I could've at least stayed in shape for her.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, and for yourself.
Kirk_Van_Houten: I could've taken just a little time to... to make her feel special.
Homer_Simpson: It can't just be sex. It can't.
Kirk_Van_Houten: God, I was so self-centered. No wonder I didn't see it coming. (SHAKING HEAD) That's how it is, though: one day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day you're thawing a hot dog in a gas station sink.
Homer_Simpson: (UNDERSTANDING) Ooh, that's tough, pal. But it's never going to happen to me.
Kirk_Van_Houten: Oh, how do you know? What makes you guys so special?
Homer_Simpson: 'Cause Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken: a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.


Homer_Simpson: Carl?
Homer_Simpson: Hey, Barney! Soul mate! Let me buy you a beer.
Barney_Gumble: Okay, but I'm not your soul mate. I'm really more of a chum.
Homer_Simpson: Well what about you, Lenny?
Lenny_Leonard: (HELPFUL) I'm a crony.
Carl_Carlson: I'd say acquaintance.
Sam: Call me sympathizer.
Bumblebee_Man: Compadre.
Kearney_Zzyzwicz: Associate.
Dr._Julius_Hibbert: Contemporary.
Moe_Szyslak: I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish you any specific harm.


Moe_Szyslak: Another Duff, Homer?
Homer_Simpson: Nah, it's Friday night Moe. I wanna try something special.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, sure, sure.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, here you go. Düff. (DOOF) From Sweden. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
Homer_Simpson: Skoal! (SIPS) Wait a minute -- this is Duff!
Moe_Szyslak: (NASTY LAUGH) Ah, ha ha, you got me, didn't ya? (HANDING HOMER A BEER) All right, here you go -- "Red Tick Beer."
Homer_Simpson: Hmm, bold -- refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on.
Homer_Simpson: Well, it's one a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
Moe_Szyslak: Just a second, Homer, you gotta take a breathalyzer test before I let you drive home.
Homer_Simpson: Eh, I guess I'll walk home.
Fox_Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer_Simpson: Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Dana_Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer_Simpson: (ASHAMED) We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy?
Homer_Simpson: (TO SCULLY) You are one fine-lookin' woman, lady. If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that.
Homer_Simpson: (DRUNK, REMORSEFUL) I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don't tell Marge. God, I love her. I-- (LOOKING DOWN) Hey, a penny!
Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, who are you guys anyhow?
Fox_Mulder: Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI.
Moe_Szyslak: (EDGY) FBI, huh? Uh, S'cuse me.


Homer_Simpson: (DIMLY) Oh yeah.
Moe_Szyslak: Here you go, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: Thanks, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: (GENEROUSLY) Aw, Homer. You know your money's no good here.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, wait a minute -- this is real money!
Homer_Simpson: (PROUDLY) Yeah, my wife is raking it in.
Fat_Tony: (CLEARS THROAT) Greetings, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: (HAPPY TO SEE HIM) Hey, Fat Tony! You still with the Mafia?
Fat_Tony: (LOOKING AROUND NERVOUSLY) Uh, uh, yes. I am. Thank you for asking. Now Homer, as you no doubt recall, you were done a favor by our, uh... how shall I say, Mafia crime syndicate.
Fat_Tony: Now, the time has come for you to do us a favor.
Homer_Simpson: (SHOCKED AND HURT) You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony... (INDIGNANT) I will say good day to you, sir.
Fat_Tony: (ASHAMED) Okay, I will go.
Fat_Tony: (REALIZING) Hey, wait a minute.


Moe_Szyslak: (HANGING UP) Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney_Gumble: And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: The South shall "come again!"


Homer_Simpson: ...and the entire steel mill was gay!
Moe_Szyslak: (NOT SURPRISED) Where ya been, Homer? Entire steel industry's gay.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, aerospace, too. And the railroads. And ya know what else? (NODS KNOWINGLY) Broadway!
Barney_Gumble: I always hoped Bart'd grow up to be just like us. What happened?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, it ain't no mystery -- whole modern world got a swishifyin' effect on kids today. And their MTV's and their diet sodas ain't gonna set 'em straight neither. You gotta do it yourself, Homer. And you gotta do it fast.
Homer_Simpson: But what would turn Bart into a man fast? You have to think for me!
Moe_Szyslak: Well, lessee now... uh, time was, you'd send a boy off to war. Shootin' a man'd fix him right up. (MAD) But there's not even any wars no more thank you very much Warren Christopher!
Barney_Gumble: Hey, better yet, Bart could shoot a deer. That's like shooting a beautiful man!
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, he's right, Homer. After the boy bags a deer, all the diet sodas in the world won't turn him back. Then you just sit back and watch the grandkids roll in!
Homer_Simpson: (CONSIDERS IT) Hunting, eh?


Homer_Simpson: (WHINY MOAN) It's been St. Patrick's Day for hours and I'm still not drunk yet. (LOOKS AT WATCH) Oh, it's never gonna be nine o'clock.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, Moe, thank God you're here! We'd like to come in and drink, please!
Lenny_Leonard: We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, all right, listen up! This is the busiest drinkin' day of the year. Where are the designated drivers?
Moe_Szyslak: Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.
Homer_Simpson: Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland!
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer, ain't that your kid on TV?
Bart_Simpson: (MENACING) What are yew lookin' at?
Moe_Szyslak: Who wants a bathtub mint julep?


Moe_Szyslak: (WRITING) "Barney Gumbel".
Homer_Simpson: Oh, I can't believe it. I've got an enemy. Me! The most beloved man in Springfield.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.
Homer_Simpson: (SHAKING HEAD) No, I won't accept that.
Moe_Szyslak: No, it's true. I've got their names written down right here, in what I call my, uh, "enemies list".
Barney_Gumble: (READING) Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey, this is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours.
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, gimme that. Gimme it back!
Homer_Simpson: (MOROSE) Oh, what'll I do, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: Well, why don't you invite him over to dinner. Turn him from an enemy into a friend. Then when he's not expecting it, bam! The old fork in the eye.
Homer_Simpson: Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye?
Moe_Szyslak: There's always a first time.


Barney_Gumble: (TO CHAUFFEUR) Thanks for the lift!


Barney_Gumble: Well, ah, I better go. I've got a date with that lady in front of the drug store who's always yelling things.
Moe_Szyslak: (HURT, TO SELF) She told me she was washin' her hair tonight. (SIGHS) I'm so desperately lonely.
Grampa_Simpson: Ah, quit your belly-aching, ya big loser!
Moe_Szyslak: (LOOKING AROUND) Wh... who said that?
Grampa_Simpson: I did. It's me, Abe Simpson.
Moe_Szyslak: But you're dea-d-d-dead. (THREE STOOGES SCARED SOUND)
Grampa_Simpson: (UPBEAT) I was! But I've come back... as your love testing machine!
Grampa_Simpson: I'm the love-matic Grampa!
Singers: (PEPPY) WHILE SHOPPING FOR SOME CANS / AN OLD MAN PASSED AWAY / HE FLOATED UP TOWARD HEAVEN / BUT GOT LOST ALONG THE WAY...
Singers: NOW HE'S THE LOVE-MATIC GRAMPA! / THE WISE SOCRATIC GRAMPA! / (SWELLING, MUSHY) AND HE'LL FILL OUR HEARTS WITH LOVE!
Grampa_Simpson: Don't be afraid, Moe. I'm here to help you with your romantic problems.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, I don't need no advice from no pinball machine. I'll have you know I wrote the book on love.
Grampa_Simpson: Yeah -- "All Quiet On The Western Front!"
Moe_Szyslak: Ahh, kiss my dishrag!
Grampa_Simpson: See? That's your problem. You're a crab. Ladies like sweet talkers.
Moe_Szyslak: (DEFENSIVE) Hey, I'm sweet. I'm sweeter than Jewish wine.


Homer_Simpson: Barney, where's my car?!!


Grampa_Simpson: Then prove it. I want you to charm the next pretty young thing that walks through that door.
Homer_Simpson: (CATCH-PHRASE) Ah, grrrreetings!
Grampa_Simpson: Son, it's me! I floated up toward heaven, but got lost along the way!
Homer_Simpson: (GASP; AWED) Dad? Is that really you?
Grampa_Simpson: Darn tootin', ya lousy fink! You buried me naked and sold my suit to buy a ping-pong table! What kind of a son--
Homer_Simpson: (DISMISSIVE SNORT) Call me when you get a karaoke machine.
Grampa_Simpson: That's the second time he pulled the plug on me.
Betty: I was just in a car accident. Can I use your phone?
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, usin' the phone's a four-drink minimum.
Moe_Szyslak: (ASIDE TO GRAMPA) What's the matter? I'm making as nice as I can.
Grampa_Simpson: (TRYING TO SOUND MECHANICAL) Test- lady. Test-lady.
Moe_Szyslak: G'ahead. Give it a try.
Moe_Szyslak: It goes by how clammy your hands are.
Betty: Well, I suppose I could use a laugh after that accident.
Grampa_Simpson: (TRYING TO SOUND MECHANICAL) Lovelorn. You-need-man. Moe-near-now. Go-near- Moe.
Betty: (CONFUSED) What?
Moe_Szyslak: (EXPLAINING) "Go near Moe." I'd say that's a pretty strong endorsement. So, how about you and me go out sometime? You know, out back.
Moe_Szyslak: I mean, uh, out to dinner at a fancy French restaurant?
Betty: (SEXY) Sounds great. And if this Love Tester's as accurate as it looks, maybe we'll be having breakfast, too.
Moe_Szyslak: You did it, Grampa! You really are a love expert.
Grampa_Simpson: Dang right! Fact is, I invented kissing. It was during World War One, and they were looking for a new way to spread germs...


Moe_Szyslak: Wha-- Uh-oh. Here comes the evening rush. Clear out, fellas.
Barflies: What a day. / Let's get started. / Some serious drinkin'. / (ETC.)
Homer_Simpson: 'Evening, Moe.
Barney_Gumble: 'Morning, Moe.
Chauffeur: Here we are, Mr. Gumbel.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, all right. Listen up, guys. The Springfield Police have told me that 91 per cent of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I know, I know. But the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers.
Moe_Szyslak: We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope.
Moe_Szyslak: Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.
Barney_Gumble: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Homer_Simpson: (TO BARNEY) You got the black one.
Homer_Simpson: Hey everybody, I'm Peter Pantsless! (LAUGHS)
Barney_Gumble: (PAINED MOAN) I can't take this much longer. I gotta have a beer.
Barney_Gumble: (HORRIFIED) Oh, no. Oh, no. Not tonight. Not tonight!
Duffman: (PARTY VOICE) Are you ready to get Duffed?
Lenny_Leonard: Hey, it's Duffman! The guy in a costume that creates awareness of Duff!
Duffman: Duffman wants to party down with the man who sent in ten thousand Duff labels to bring me here today. I've got a bottomless mug of new "Duff Extra Cold" for... (READS CARD) BARNEY GUMBEL!
Cheerleaders: (CHEERS AND:) Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Barney_Gumble: (STRAINING) I can't! I'm the designated driver!
Duffman: (PERFUNCTORY, BRUSQUE) Ehhh... That's swell. Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program... Now, who wants to party?!
Moe_Szyslak: Face it, Homer, the car is gone. Barney ain't never comin' back.
Barney_Gumble: (SHAKY) All I remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. (BEAT) Or maybe it was a streetcorner.
Homer_Simpson: (QUIET ANGER) So you lost my car, eh? Well, that's just grand. I ought to punch you in the nose, but I have to pick up my kids at school.


Moe_Szyslak: (COVERING) Uh, that's a parasol.
Homer_Simpson: Well, Moe, this is it. Today's the day I get my new air conditioner.
Moe_Szyslak: Congratulations. Who's the little chick?
Lisa_Simpson: I'm Lisa!
Homer_Simpson: (TO MOE, PROUDLY) She has a gift.
Lisa_Simpson: You have thirteen pickled eggs in this jar! (CUTE) And one cockroach!
Moe_Szyslak: (DISPLEASED CHUCKLE) Who are you, sweetheart, the health inspector?
Man_At_Bar: No, but I am.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh... here, have a margarita.


Homer_Simpson: But you can't leave! We're scammin' an old lady at my house and I need a place to hide out.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, sorry Homer, I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally gonna see Easter Island.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, right. With the giant heads.
Moe_Szyslak: With the what now?
Lenny_Leonard: Hey, you seen Apu lately? He looks terrible.
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, rumor has it Marge threw him out.
Barney_Gumble: Aw, tough break. She's a beautiful lady.
Moe_Szyslak: You got that straight, Barn.
Barney_Gumble: (RAISING GLASSES) To Marge!
Homer_Simpson: Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
Moe_Szyslak: Booze, booze and more booze.
Lenny_Leonard: Ha! Nothin' like a depressant to chase the blues away.
Lenny_Leonard: Yeah, you got that... / Oh yeah. / Uh-huh.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Oof, Manjula and I have not seen each other in twenty years. Two people cannot fall in love sight-unseen.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hold on there! I'm countin' on that.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Well, just twenty-four hours of freedom left...
Homer_Simpson: (CHECKING WATCH, CHIPPER) Actually, it's more like twelve. No, I'm so stupid, seven. It's seven hours. You have seven hours. (SHOWING APU WATCH) See? Seven.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (SAD MOAN, THEN SINGING DIRGE-LIKE) "WELL, I'M HOT BLOODED / CHECK IT AND SEE / I'VE GOT A FEVER OF A HUNDRED AND THREE..."
Homer_Simpson: C'mon. You shouldn't be spending your last hours of bachelorhood in a dump like this.
Homer_Simpson: You should be livin' like there's no tomorrow. And I know just the place.
Homer_Simpson: Ahh. Is this the life, or what?
Jasper_Beardly: (REACHING FOR A SWITCH) You want me to turn on the bubbles?


Moe_Szyslak: Geez, this hot-rod is souped up six ways from Sunday. Never had you figured for a gear-head, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: (CASUAL) Oh, yeah. I'm a real expert.
Moe_Szyslak: What is that? A six-barrel Hollye carb?
Homer_Simpson: You betcha.
Moe_Szyslak: Edelbrock intakes...
Homer_Simpson: Nothin' but.
Moe_Szyslak: Meyerhof lifters...
Homer_Simpson: Oh yeah.
Moe_Szyslak: I made that last one up.
Homer_Simpson: (KEEPING DIGNITY) I see.


Moe_Szyslak: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer_Simpson: (DRUNK) Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe.
Barney_Gumble: Homer, look! Your house is on TV!
Homer_Simpson: (PISSED) You take that back, Barney!
Moe_Szyslak: Nah, he's right, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: Stay out of this, old man.
Kent_Brockman: Dateline: Kent Brockman. I'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary, where a creature was stirring last night. And what he was "stirring" was "up trouble."
Kent_Brockman: Is your husband or lover here, ma'am?
Marge_Simpson: No. My husband is... at church.
Homer_Simpson: (INTOXICATED SMILE) Aw, that's my girl. I love you, Marjorie.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, she's quite a gal.
Homer_Simpson: (THREATENING) You shut up.
Kent_Brockman: So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel?
Marge_Simpson: How do you think I felt?
Kent_Brockman: Absolutely devastated. (TURNS TO CAMERA) "Absolutely devastated." The words of a heart-broken mother. For there will be no fire truck for little Bart. No sweater for little Lisa. No Cajun sausage for little Homer...
Kent_Brockman: (SNEERING) So while you're home today eating your sweet, sweet holiday turkey, I hope you'll all choke just a little bit.
Moe_Szyslak: So this was all a scam. (DISGUSTED) And on Christmas.
Barney_Gumble: Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave.


Chief_Wiggum: Ah, isn't that illegal?
Krusty_the_Clown: (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Hey, hey!
Marge_Simpson: (READING SIGN) Four drink minimum?
Homer_Simpson: (PATS STOMACH) I'll cover ya, honey.
Moe_Szyslak: Hi. How you folks doin'? I'm Moe. Or as the ladies like to call me, "Hey you, behind the bushes." (TAPPING MIC) Uh, is this thing on?
Barney_Gumble: No. Sorry, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: (CLEARS THROAT) And now, without further Apu...
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Woo! I have been zinged and I love it.
Moe_Szyslak: ...the last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice, ladies and gentlemen... Krusty!
Krusty_the_Clown: (COOL INDIFFERENCE) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Krusty_the_Clown: So, I'm watchin' TV today...
Homer_Simpson: (CLAPPING) Woo! TV! Yeah!
Krusty_the_Clown: All I keep seein' is dead celebrities hawkin' products! They got poor Vincent Price floatin' around on a toilet cake tellin' me about the "horrors" of an unfresh bowl...
Krusty_the_Clown: And I'll tell ya somethin' else, I do not believe Winston Churchill would eat at Der Wienerschnitzel!
Krusty_the_Clown: There's nothing those Madison Avenue grave robbers won't do to get us to buy their crap!
Crowd: (VARIOUS) Yeah! / Right On, Krusty! / You Tell 'Em!
Homer_Simpson: (WITH CROWD) Impeach Churchill!
Krusty_the_Clown: Well, here's one dollar those crooks aren't gonna get their hands on.
Krusty_the_Clown: I don't care if it is illegal. I'm makin' a stand here. Who's with me?
Lenny_Leonard: I am! I work like a dog for this!
Agnes_Skinner: Oh, you're burning it all wrong, Seymour.
Seymour_Skinner: It's my allowance, Mother, and I'll burn it the way I want.
Homer_Simpson: Take that, you greedy fat cats. (TO MARGE) Marge, gimme your purse.
Marge_Simpson: (SOTTO; DESPERATE) Here's $42 -- it's everything I have. Run home and bury it in the yard.
Lisa_Simpson: I love you, Mom!
Crowd: You tell 'em, Krusty. / Screw everyone! / Etc.
Businessman_#1: Wow, they're hanging on his every word. (TURNS) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Businessman_#2: I hope so.
Businessman_#1: (FIRMLY) I thought I made myself clear in Boston.
Lenny_Leonard: (TO HOMER) I brought a bag of money in case he wants us to burn it again.
Homer_Simpson: I hope he tells us to burn our pants. These things are drivin' me nuts!
Krusty_the_Clown: So this afternoon, two suits come up to me and ask me to endorse some new sports utility vehicle.
Crowd: Oooo! / What did you do? / (LAUGHS)
Homer_Simpson: (CALLING OUT) Don't you hate pants?
Krusty_the_Clown: (IGNORING HOMER) I threw those two creeps out on their ass.
Crowd: Yeah! / Woo! / Go Krusty! / Woo hoo hoo!
Krusty_the_Clown: Then, they followed me home, begging me to take a test drive. And let me tell you, (BEAT) talk about roomy! The Canyonero combines the smooth handling of a European sports car with the rugged driveability of a sturdy 4X4.
Crowd: (CONFUSED NOISES) / Huh? / What?
Carl_Carlson: (CALLING OUT) Hey, Krusty, what are you talking about? I, I thought you said those guys were creeps!
Krusty_the_Clown: Yeah, but that was before I got to know 'em. And I'm tellin' ya', the Canyonero is the Cadillac of automobiles. That's Canyonero.
Crowd: Boo! Etc.
Krusty_the_Clown: Wait! Where you goin'? I still got plenty of beefs! Fat-free yogurt!
Krusty_the_Clown: Th-Th-Th-The quality of computer porn! (GROAN)
Jay: I knew I shoulda gone on first.
Bart_Simpson: I don't get it, Krusty. You said you would never be a shill again.
Krusty_the_Clown: (INDIFFERENT SOUND) I learned something about myself tonight, kid. (THOUGHTFULLY) It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out.
Krusty_the_Clown: C'mon, I'll give you a ride home.
Bart_Simpson: Wow, this is roomy!
HANK_WILLIAMS_JR.: CAN YOU NAME THE TRUCK WITH FOUR WHEEL DRIVE? / SMELLS LIKE A STEAK AND SEATS 35... / CANYONERO. (WHIP CRACK) CANYONERO. (WHIP CRACK) WELL IT GOES REAL SLOW WITH THE HAMMER DOWN / IT'S THE COUNTRY-FRIED TRUCK ENDORSED BY A CLOWN. / CANYONERO....
Announcer: (QUICKLY) Federal highway commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.
Chorus: (QUICKLY) Canyonero!
HANK_WILLIAMS_JR.: TWELVE YARDS LONG, TWO LANES WIDE. / SIXTY-FIVE TONS OF AMERICAN PRIDE. / CANYONERO (WHIP CRACK) CANYONERO (WHIP CRACK)
HANK_WILLIAMS_JR.: TOP OF THE LINE IN UTILITY SPORTS. / UNEXPLAINED FIRES ARE A MATTER FOR THE COURTS. / CANYONERO (WHIP CRACK) CANYONERO (WHIP CRACK)
HANK_WILLIAMS_JR.: SHE BLINDS EVERYBODY WITH HER SUPER HIGH BEAM. / SHE'S A SQUIRREL SQUASHING, DEER SMACKIN', DRIVIN' MACHINE. CANYONERO....
HANK_WILLIAMS_JR.: CANYONER-OOOO... HYAHH!! CANYONERO!
HANK_WILLIAMS_JR.: Whoa, Canyonero! Whoa!


Homer_Simpson: (TOASTING) To Marge. And all the blissful years I've spent hiding from her in this bar.
Barflies: Hear, hear!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. Big deal. You got a wife. I got a rash. Who cares? (OFF HOMER'S HURT LOOK) Ech, I'm sorry, Homer. It's just, it's been four years since my last date with a whatchacallit, uh, woman.
Homer_Simpson: Whatever happened to your mail order bride?
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, she got homesick for her old life, diving for tourist pennies in a Micronesian swamp.
Homer_Simpson: So her career got in the way.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I don't blame her. (LOOKING IN MIRROR) No girl wants to end up with a Joe Puke-pail like me.
Homer_Simpson: Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe. You're a fabulous catch.
Moe_Szyslak: (SNORT) Yeah, well, uh, how come I ain't fendin' off movie starlets with a pointy stick?
Homer_Simpson: Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness. But that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman. Come on, we're goin' to the darkest bar in town.
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, I wanna send her two dozen roses. And I wanna put something nice on the card, like, um, "Renee, my treasure..."
Moe_Szyslak: Shut up, or I'll ram a stool down your throat! (INTO PHONE) Ah, nah, nah, no, I don't want that on the card... Well, lemme hear how it sounds... Nah, nah, take it out. Take it out. And charge it to my Players Club card... Maxed out?
Moe_Szyslak: Look, I really need these flowers, okay? I got a real tenuous hold on my girlfriend here... Hello? Hello?
Moe_Szyslak: (SIGH) Well, that's it. It's all over. Renee ain't gonna wanna hang around with no Joe Pinchpenny.
Homer_Simpson: Aw, come on, Moe. Think of all you have to offer besides money.
Moe_Szyslak: (THINKS FOR A BEAT) Hmmm... I need cash, and lots of it. Um, all right, everybody, I'm calling in your bar tabs.
Moe_Szyslak: Ya bunch of ungrateful ingrates! Ya--
Moe_Szyslak: (DISTRAUGHT) Ah, Homer, what am I gonna do? Renee's my last chance for true love.
Homer_Simpson: If you really need money, you could sell a kidney, or maybe even your car.
Moe_Szyslak: Nah, my car ain't worth nothin'. (GETTING AN IDEA) But it is insured... For five grand... Homer, I need your help. You gotta steal this car and wreck it for me.
Homer_Simpson: Steal? Oh no, you got the wrong guy.
Homer_Simpson: (AWKWARDLY) You dropped somethin'.
Moe_Szyslak: C'mon, Homer! I'm one of your dearest friends! When everybody said you were too drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys?
Homer_Simpson: (WARILY) Oh, you did. But -- I still don't know... I can just imagine what Marge would say.
Marge_Simpson: Homer, I insist you steal that car.
Homer_Simpson: (FIRMLY) I'll do it!
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, here's the plan. (PLACING ON BAR) This model car represents my car, huh? And this olive is you. Now...
Homer_Simpson: Mmmm... me.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey! Hey! Aw, that's great. Now the car's gonna have to represent you, and, uh, this little toy man will represent the car.
Moe_Szyslak: All right, forget it!
Moe_Szyslak: Listen up, here. Tomorrow night at eight, you go down to the waterfront and you "steal" my car.
Homer_Simpson: What about the cops?
Moe_Szyslak: That's the beauty part. Every cop in town's gonna be on the Police Department's Moonlight Charity Cruise. And I'm gonna be right there with 'em.
Homer_Simpson: So, as soon as you get back, we steal the car, right?
Moe_Szyslak: Righ-- No, no. Wrong. Listen. While I'm on the boat with the perfect alibi, you steal my car, and park it on the railroad tracks. Then when the 10:15 train comes along...
Moe_Szyslak: WHAM! The insurance company pays off five thousand clams. I keep showing Renee the sweet life.
Homer_Simpson: You're a genius, Moe. All your troubles will soon be over for a couple months.
Moe_Szyslak: ... So like a coward I let Homer take the rap for the whole scam. And now the only way to clear him is to turn myself in.
Renee: I-I don't know what to say. I'm shocked. I mean you broke the law and betrayed a friend...
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, you're right. You shouldn't be wasting your time with a low-life like me.
Renee: (GIVING IN) Oh, Moe, don't say that. Y-You made a mistake, but at least you're trying to set things straight.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, that's true. That's true, baby. Hmf, it'll be hell being locked away from ya, but I guess I gotta take my medicine. (SUDDEN THOUGHT) Unless... Unless, I send a letter to the police clearing Homer...
Renee: (HOPEFUL) Yeah...
Moe_Szyslak: (EXCITED) Then we go to the graveyard and steal two corpses...
Renee: (STUNNED) Oh my God.
Moe_Szyslak: (ON A ROLL) We-we-we switch clothes with them, leave 'em in the bar. Then we pour some brandy around. Like so...
Renee: Yeah, would you hand me my keys?
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, yeah. Here ya go.
Moe_Szyslak: ...Then we light a match...And FWOOOF! We start a new life in Hawaii.
Renee: Goodbye, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Where you goin', baby? You goin' to find the corpses?
Renee: (SARCASTIC) Yes, Moe, I'm going to find corpses.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, well, you want me to come with? Renee? Dearest? (BEAT, THEN REALIZING MOAN) (SIGH) She ain't comin' back.
Moe_Szyslak: (YELP OF PAIN) Ow.
Moe_Szyslak: (HORRIFIED SCREAM) Uh-oh.
Homer_Simpson: (MURDEROUSLY) You!
Moe_Szyslak: Homer! Thank God, you gotta help me here!
Homer_Simpson: Oh-ho, I'll help you. Help you die! (ATTACK YELL)
Moe_Szyslak: Eh! That's it! You're going down, pal!
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, boy... Uh, I really wanna sleep...
Homer_Simpson: I... also sleep... G'night, Mommy...
Barney_Gumble: Moe! Homer! (SCREAMS) The booze!
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, Homer, I been the world's biggest rat. Can you ever forgive me?
Homer_Simpson: Ohh, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. (SINCERELY) After all, (TEARFULLY) you get me drunk.
Moe_Szyslak: (WATCHING FIRE) Aww! Ah, my poor bar. It's all gone. (QUIET SOBBING)
Homer_Simpson: (PUTS ARM AROUND MOE) Aw, Moe, Moe, Moe, dry those beady little eyes. Your buddy Homer'll get you back on your feet.


Homer_Simpson: I've joined the naval reserve.
Homer_Simpson: Well, guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.
Barney_Gumble: Where are you going?
Barney_Gumble: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: And although my religion strictly forbids military service -- what the hey, I'm in too.
Homer_Simpson: (TOUCHED) Gee, thanks guys. This is just like "The Deer Hunter."
Moe_Szyslak: "The Deer Hunter?" Uh... hah... That reminds me.


Moe_Szyslak: So Lenny, let's say you pull a thorn out of the Pope's butt and he grants ya one wish. What'll it be?
Lenny_Leonard: Hmm, only one, huh... Well, I've always wondered what it would feel like to wear something that's been ironed.
Carl_Carlson: (WHISTLES) That'd be sweet. What about you, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: Eh, gee, I was gonna say a night with Joey Heatherton. But an ironed shirt... Damn! That's tempting.
Lenny_Leonard: What about you, Homer?
Homer_Simpson: (LEANS BACK, THOUGHTFULLY) Well...
Agent_Miller: Homer Simpson? (FLASHING BADGE) United States Government.
Homer_Simpson: (PANICKY) Help! Somebody!
Moe_Szyslak: (WIPING GLASS) So how about you, Barn? One wish?
Homer_Simpson: So if my cover gets blown and I need help, what's the signal?
Homer_Simpson: Hey, I see you're watchin' the ball game. Looks like a good one. Any of you involved in any illegal activity? Cause I could sure go for some.
Agent_Johnson: Oh, God!
Homer_Simpson: How 'bout you, Lenny? Testing, testing? Lenny?
Lenny_Leonard: You sayin' you want to commit a crime, Homer?
Homer_Simpson: Maybe. But first I need to hear about some other crimes to get me fired up.
Carl_Carlson: You mean like the time you was running moonshine out of your basement?
Barney_Gumble: Or that telemarketing scam you pulled?
Homer_Simpson: Uhhhh, like those. But involving you.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, you, you mean like the time Barney beat up George Bush.
Homer_Simpson: Barney? That was me! (SEETHING) And I'd do it again.
Charlie: Why stop there, Homer? My militia has a secret plan to beat up all sorts of government officials. That'll teach 'em to drag their feet on high-definition TV.
Agent_Johnson: You're under arrest for conspiracy.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, how did they finger Charlie? Somebody musta ratted him out.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, that's ridiculous, Moe. End transmission.


Homer_Simpson: (MOAN) My campaign is a disaster, Moe.
Homer_Simpson: (BITTER) I hate the public so much. (WISHFUL) If only they'd elect me... (VENGEFUL) I'd make 'em pay. (WORRIED) Oh Moe, how do I make 'em like me?
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, gee, you're kinda all over the place there, Homer. You need to focus here. You gotta think hard and come up with a slogan that appeals to all the lazy slobs out there.
Homer_Simpson: (SHORT MOAN) Can't someone else do it?
Moe_Szyslak: "Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect!
Homer_Simpson: It is?
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. Now get out there and spread that message to the people!
Homer_Simpson: (RAISES ARMS TRIUMPHANTLY) Woo hoo!
Moe_Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, hey, you didn't pay for the beer.
Homer_Simpson: (BIG SMILE, STAGY) Can't someone else do it?
Moe_Szyslak: (BIG KNOWING LAUGH) / Very good.
Moe_Szyslak: Seriously, gimme the money.
U2: THE SANITATION FOLKS / ARE JOLLY FRIENDLY BLOKES / COURTEOUS AND EASYGOING.
The_Edge: THEY MOP UP WHEN YOU'RE OVERFLOWING...
Bono: AND TELL YOU WHEN YOUR ARSE IS SHOWING.


Lenny_Leonard: So this broad stands up... in the ocean and this big wave knocks her bathing suit off.
Moe_Szyslak: Ooh. Yeah. And then what happened? Omit no detail, no matter how small or filthy.
Lenny_Leonard: So anyway -- and this is the part you'll remember for the rest of your lives...
Homer_Simpson: (CUTTING HIM OFF) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, great story, Lenny. But here's one that's even more spellbinding. Once upon a time there was a man named Thomas Edison. And he invented the dictating machine and the fluoroscope and the repeating telegraph...
Homer_Simpson: (INCREASINGLY BREATHLESS) ... And he was a firm believer in Fletcherism, and he played the organ, and his favorite flower was the heliotrope -- oh, and his middle name was Alva. And he never, ever, ever wore pajamas. And...
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, I think we've been polite long enough here. Lenny, what happened with the dame and the bathing suit?
Lenny_Leonard: Huh? Oh... uh... oh, nuts. I forgot. All I can think of now is Edison. I can't even remember where I work. (RUBS TEMPLES)
Homer_Simpson: Well, I remember where Edison worked. It was Menlo Park. That's where he came up with the tasimeter, the ore separator and...
Carl_Carlson: Uh, James Watt invented the steam engine.
Homer_Simpson: That's boring. You're boring everybody. Quit boring everyone!


Moe_Szyslak: (UPBEAT) Ah, morning, Homer. Ah, you're looking unusually focused this morning.
Homer_Simpson: Shut your squeal hole, booze jockey. I'm gonna, like, totally waste you.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, somebody's a Grumpy Gus. What's--
Homer_Simpson: Yoink.
Moe_Szyslak: Ooh! (PEEVED) Ah, for crying out loud. (GASP)
Kent_Brockman: Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.


Barflies: (EXCITED SOUNDS) / My God, what I'd give to meet him.
Carl_Carlson: Oh, they don't come much bigger than that.
Homer_Simpson: (DERISIVE SNORT) Kent Brockman. Please.
Moe_Szyslak: So, I'm in the grocery store the other day buyin' some cotton balls...
Carl_Carlson: The absorbent kind?
Moe_Szyslak: (PROUDLY) Youuu got that right, my friend!
Moe_Szyslak: So, I round the corner and head down the ointment aisle, when who should I spot? None other than Kent Brockman!
Lenny_Leonard: (IMPRESSED) The local news guy? Mister Channel 6?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, what? I suppose you've seen a bigger star?
Homer_Simpson: (COY) I might have.
Lenny_Leonard: Come on, make with a name.
Homer_Simpson: (PAINED) Oh, I can't. I promised I wouldn't.
Moe_Szyslak: (DISMISSIVE NOISE) Aw, yeah right. You ain't seen nobody.
Barney_Gumble: Another good one, Moe.
Kim_Basinger: Please don't tell anyone we're here.
Alec_Baldwin: You've got to keep our secret, Homer.
Ron_Howard: Homer, we're out of vodka.
Gentleman: (STATESMANLIKE) Tell the people, Homer. They have a right to know about the celebrity summer house.
Homer_Simpson: (TO THOUGHT BUBBLE) Who the hell are you?
Gentleman: What do you care? I'm telling you what you want to hear.
Homer_Simpson: All right, I'm gonna let you guys in on something. But you've got to keep it much more secret than I did.


Moe_Szyslak: Well, I gotta hand it to you, Homer. You're really brave to go through with this operation.
Homer_Simpson: It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure.
Moe_Szyslak: Nah, nah, no. Makin' polenta, that's a procedure. You're talkin' about deadly, life-threatening surgery, here.
Homer_Simpson: (GETTING NERVOUS) Really? You think it's dangerous?
Carl_Carlson: Oh, yeah. And, and even if you survive the operation --
Homer_Simpson: (CORRECTING) Procedure. Deadly procedure.
Carl_Carlson: Whatever. The point is, with only one kidney, you won't be able to drink yourself stupid no more.
Homer_Simpson: Now you're just tryin' to scare me.
Lenny_Leonard: Plus they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists. Everybody who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after you.
Homer_Simpson: (PLAINTIVE) But I don't want that.
Moe_Szyslak: Listen, I'm just gonna get right to the point, here. Can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die. They look pretty comfortable.
Homer_Simpson: (MOROSE) Yeah, I guess.
Carl_Carlson: And, uh, are those your original lips?
Homer_Simpson: Well, actually I-- (CATCHING HIMSELF) Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes! (OFFENDED NOISE)
Moe_Szyslak: (EYEING HOMER'S ASS) Oh yeah, that would look so good on me.


Moe_Szyslak: (HOSTILE) Hey Homer, I told you not to come 'round here no more till you paid your tab. Or at least cleaned up that mess you made in the bathroom. Now y--
Moe_Szyslak: (TURNING ON A DIME) Mayor Quimby?! Homer, why didn't you say you was with the mayor?
Moe_Szyslak: Shove off, puke-holes. Get out of there! These stools are reserved for the mayor and his cronies.
Moe_Szyslak: Heh. Here's a couple of Düffenbraus, on the house, of course.
Homer_Simpson: (IMPRESSED NOISE) Semi-imported. (GUZZLES THE BOTTLE) Keep 'em comin'.
Mayor_Joe_Quimby: (TO MOE) Your generosity is greatly appreciated, especially during this health inspection season.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh yeah, yeah, right. Health inspection. That reminds me. (CHUCKLES)
Moe_Szyslak: (STAGEY) Your change, sir.
Moe_Szyslak: We're workin' on that roach situation, I swear to God.
Mayor_Joe_Quimby: (SHRUGGING) Eh, you should see the hospital.


Homer_Simpson: (GRUNT) What's the hubub? Did Moe finally blow his brains out?
Lenny_Leonard: Quiet! We're watchin' the Isotopes!
Homer_Simpson: Shut it off. They're losers.
Carl_Carlson: Where you been? The Isotopes are on fire!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, that sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in disguise.
Lenny_Leonard: Now we're in the championship game.
Homer_Simpson: (SURPRISED) Championship?
Homer_Simpson: Wooooo! 'Topes ruuuule!
Kent_Brockman: Well, here's a die-hard fan. Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history. Any thoughts?
Homer_Simpson: (WINDED EXCITEMENT) Oh, it's a great team, Kent... never gave up hope... I want to thank Jesus... and say hi to my special lady Marge... (INTO CAMERA) We did it, baby! Wooooo! (GRABBING BROCKMAN'S MICROPHONE) Woooooo!
Kent_Brockman: (TO CAMERA) The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, root for the home team, even if they lose this ga--
Homer_Simpson: They lost? Those losers!
Kent_Brockman: No, no, no, the game's not over --
Homer_Simpson: Woo! Not over! Wooooo!
Kent_Brockman: (TO CAMERA) There you have it. Woo.
Dennis_Conroy: (ABOVE CROWD) Bottom of the ninth, two outs. It all comes down to this. And here's the pitch...
Dennis_Conroy: (SPANISH "J"'S) Jumping Jesus! He got all of that one! It's going... going... going...
Dennis_Conroy: (QUICKLY) Our technical director today was Stan Kadlubowski.
Dennis_Conroy: (BACK ON GAME) It's out of here! 'Topes win!
Moe_Szyslak: (HURT SIGH) Nobody touched my rumaki.
Homer_Simpson: Woo! Rumaki!


Sports_Announcer: The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless. I mean, when you think about it...
Homer_Simpson: (CHUCKLES AT INJURY) Football's so great. (SIPS BEER)
Sports_Announcer: But now the two conference champs must survive a harrowing bye week that no one enjoys.
Moe_Szyslak: (SCORNFUL) Bye weeks. Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks. And now he's dead. (RECONSIDERING) Well, maybe they're a good thing.
Wally: Yeah, how 'bout that Super Bowl? You goin' this year?
Homer_Simpson: Me? Nah. (GASP, BRIGHTENING) Unless there's a coupon for it. (FLIPS THROUGH BOOK) Nah.
Wally: Well, I run the Springfield Travel Agency.
Wally: We've got a charter bus goin' down to the game. You help us fill it, you can ride for free.
Homer_Simpson: (DREAMILY) Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl?
Coach: Dang! That was my last quarterback. Now what am I gonna do?
Coach: You!
Homer_Simpson: Me?!
Coach: Yeah, you. Get your hand off my wife's leg.
Homer_Simpson: Sorry.
Homer_Simpson: It's a deal. Hey, Moe. Wanna come with me and Wally to the Super Bowl?
Moe_Szyslak: (EXCITED) Oh, absolutely. My favorite team's in it: the (RAISES GLASS IN FRONT OF MOUTH) Atlanta Falcons (LOWERS GLASS). Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the (RAISES GLASS IN FRONT OF MOUTH AGAIN) Atlanta Falcons (LOWERS GLASS).
Homer_Simpson: Yeah, they're good. But I wouldn't count out the... Denver Broncos (LOWERS GLASS).
Wally: I hear that President (GRABS GLASS FROM HOMER AND COVERS MOUTH) Clinton (LOWERS GLASS) is going to be watching with his wife (RAISES GLASS IN FRONT OF MOUTH) Hillary (LOWERS GLASS).


Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, what kind of adventure you gonna be involved in tonight, Homer?
Homer_Simpson: Mmm, who knows? Maybe I'll have to foil an assassination, or stop a peace conference.
Moe_Szyslak: So they really based that Homer Simpson character on you, huh?
Homer_Simpson: Yup. Right down to the scarf.
Moe_Szyslak: Ooh, there it is!
Chief_Wiggum: Nice beating, Lance. Especially around the eyes. (THEN) Say, where's your partner? Where's Homer Simpson?
DETECTIVE_HOMER_SIMPSON: Coming, Chief.
Chief_Wiggum: Now what have you done, Simpson?
DETECTIVE_HOMER_SIMPSON: I was supervising the guns for toys program.
Chief_Wiggum: It's toys for guns.
DETECTIVE_HOMER_SIMPSON: Now you tell me!
Chief_Wiggum: (EXASPERATED) Simp-sonnnn!!
Homer_Simpson: (CONFUSED) Hey, what's going on? That guy's not Homer Simpson. He's fat and stupid.
Lenny_Leonard: Hey, looks like they changed the character into a bumbling sidekick.
Homer_Simpson: (WORRIED) No, no, he can't be. I know, maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots. Yeah, that's gotta be it.
Chief_Wiggum: You destroyed that drug shipment?
DETECTIVE_HOMER_SIMPSON: (PROUDLY) Yes indeedy.
Chief_Wiggum: (ANGRY) That was my insulin!
DETECTIVE_HOMER_SIMPSON: (HAPLESSLY) Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O's!
Chief_Wiggum: (EXASPERATED) Simp-sonnnn!!
Barney_Gumble: Hey Homer, that character is you all over.
Lenny_Leonard: Come on, Homer, act all stupid. Like you do on TV.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, come on, dum-dum, do something unintelligent, there.
Homer_Simpson: Shutup! I'm not your clown! Don't diminish me!
Homer_Simpson: Gentlemen, I bid you-- (CHOKING SOUND)
Homer_Simpson: (SPINNING) Who-o-oa! Who-o-oa! Who-o-oa!
Lenny_Leonard: Geez, what an exit.
Carl_Carlson: Oh man, what's he gonna do for an encore?
Moe_Szyslak: Ooh. I don't think he'll be, doin' no encores for a while. (LAUGHS)


Homer_Simpson: Right after Happy Hour!
Moe_Szyslak: Drinking will help us plan.
Homer_Simpson: This Valentine's crap has gone too far.
Men: Yeah. / Yeah.
Moe_Szyslak: (AMID MEN'S REACTIONS) You got that right!
Seymour_Skinner: Edna won't even let me clap her erasers.
Sideshow_Mel: My Barbara will no longer pleasure me with the French arts.
Moe_Szyslak: The gal I'm stalking had me bumped back to two hundred feet.
Men: (MURMURS OF SYMPATHY) / That's too bad.
Barney_Gumble: (AMID MURMURS) Oh, Moe.
Homer_Simpson: And ask yourselves, people, who's to blame for all this?
Dr._Julius_Hibbert: (GUILTILY) Well, I guess we are.
Ned_Flanders: I suppose I do take Maude for granted.
Barney_Gumble: I got some of that myself. / Oh, screw myself.
Homer_Simpson: Will you stop it?! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's makin' us look bad!
Men: (CHEERS OF AGREEMENT) / Yeah! / Yeah, you're right! / Hey! / Yeah!
Barney_Gumble: (AMID CURIOUS SOUNDS) Hey.
Lenny_Leonard: (AMID CURIOUS SOUNDS) What's goin' on out there?
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, geez, he's got everything but the Shriners.
Old_Jewish_Man: Hey, watch it! You're all over the road!
Homer_Simpson: We've gotta stop that traitor Apu.


Carl_Carlson: Hey, anybody seen Homer today?
Lenny_Leonard: (MATTER-OF-FACT) There he goes.


Homer_Simpson: Moe, this is Astrid, my "dealer." And these are my fans, Gunter, Kyoto, and Cecil Hampstead-on-Cecil-Cecil.
Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, you guys are Eurotrash, huh? How's that, uh, workin' out for ya?
Gunter: Eh, to be honest, we are adrift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh-huh. So, ah, where might this sea be located?
Cecil_Terwilliger: I must get back to my hotel and practice my affectations for tomorrow. Bon soir. (MAKES FRITZ FELD SOUND)
Homer_Simpson: What do we owe you, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: Nothin', nothin'. Just gimme a priceless sketch with a certificate of authenticity.
Homer_Simpson: All right. (SKETCHING SOUNDS)
Barney_Gumble: Hey, Moe, can I pay with a drawing?
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, nice try there, Twelve-Step.


Homer_Simpson: (STAGY) Boy, Lenny, you sure look hungry. Have some nuts.
Lenny_Leonard: Hey, thanks.
Lenny_Leonard: Ow! My eye! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Homer_Simpson: (LAUGHS) Now if you want to be the life of the party like Lenny here, just place your order for this hilarious novelty item.
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, get outta here.
Homer_Simpson: Boy, Moe, you sure look angry. Here, have some nuts.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, thanks.
Moe_Szyslak: Ow! God, my eye! Ow! Get it out! Geez! Ow!
Moe_Szyslak: Don't pull! Don't pull! I said don't pull! Don't!


Moe_Szyslak: (CLEARS THROAT) "You have been chosen to join the Justice Squadron! 8 a.m. Monday at the Municipal Fortress of Vengeance." Oh, I am so there!
Professor_Jonathan_Frink: We studied traffic patterns and found that drivers move the fastest through yellow lights. So now we just have the red and yellow lights. (FRINK NOISE)
HAWKING: Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer. I may have to steal it.
Homer_Simpson: Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of is hangin' out with a guy like me.
Moe_Szyslak: (WALKING UP) All right, it's closing time. Who's paying the tab?
Computer_Voice_2: I am.
HAWKING: I didn't say that.
Homer_Simpson: (COMPUTER VOICE) Yes, I did.
Homer_Simpson: Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink!


Lenny_Leonard: Hey, ain't that Homer on the Japanese channel?
Moe_Szyslak: If that's Homer then... who the hell's been putting beers on his tab?
Barney_Gumble: (TENTATIVE ANNOYED GRUNT) (THEN) Woo hoo? (THEN, SEARCHING) Umm... that boy ain't right?


Homer_Simpson: So I gave up tap for jazz, and I've never regretted it. And here's why...
Marge_Simpson: Homer, you're supposed to be hunting for Bart!
Homer_Simpson: I'm on top of it.
Marge_Simpson: (WORRIED MURMUR) My sweet baby. He must feel so helpless and scared.


Agnes_Skinner: I told you not to drink all those Frescas before we got in the car.
Seymour_Skinner: (HUSHED) Mother, please! You're embarrassing me.
Agnes_Skinner: No, I'm not. (THEN TO MOE, LOUD) Seymour needs the toilet! His bladder's full. (EXPLAINING) Full of urine!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, thanks. It's just past the end of the bar, (POINTS AT HOMER) next to the heavyset guy.
Homer_Simpson: (INSULTED) Heavyset? What's that supposed to mean?
Moe_Szyslak: All right, take it easy. Take it easy. I'm just saying you ain't no, uh, Tommy Tune.
Homer_Simpson: No Tommy Tune, eh? Oh, that's it. You insulted my honor.
Moe_Szyslak: I-- Your what now?
Homer_Simpson: I demand satisfaction! (SLAPS MOE WITH GLOVE) I challenge you to a duel.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, a duel? I, ah-- Isn't that a little extreme? Here, here, have a free beer. (GIVES HIM ONE)
Homer_Simpson: (SURPRISED) Really? But you've never given anyone a free beer.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I ain't never been slapped with no duelin' glove before, either.
Homer_Simpson: (TO SELF, IN AWE) Wow, a free beer! And I owe it all to a little glove slap. (SINGING TO TUNE OF "LOVE SHACK") GLOVE SLAP...
Homer_Simpson: (SINGING) BABY, GLOVE SLAP...
B-52'S: (SINGING) A GLOVE SLAP TO A LITTLE OLD FACE WILL / GET YOU SAT-IS-FAC-TION / GLOVE SLAP BABY...


Homer_Simpson: I can't believe it, Moe. The greatest feat of my life is already forgotten.
Moe_Szyslak: Geez, Homer. I never seen you so depressed. As your life partner, I'm very worried.
Homer_Simpson: Save your tears, Moe. Save 'em in a shot glass for someone who still has a shred of hope.
Moe_Szyslak: A shreda what? Uh, sorry, I was countin' the cocktail radishes.
Moe_Szyslak: (COUNTING RADISHES) Now where was I? Uh, two... three... Three radishes. Three big radishes.


Kent_Brockman: Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U. and Springfield A & M spreads like wildfever. Th-- (TO OFF CAMERA) This is writing?
Writer: I'm sorry, Uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus.
Kent_Brockman: (TO HIMSELF, DISGUSTED) My thesaurus... You'll lose more than that. (TO CAMERA) In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional-seating-capacity fever. (HALF CHUCKLES, THEN ANGRY SOUND)
Homer_Simpson: Woo hoo! Go S.U.!
Carl_Carlson: A & M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts!
Homer_Simpson: Yeah, well you went to a cow college!
Lenny_Leonard: Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we was founded by a cow.


Homer_Simpson: Havin' a party, Moe. I'll need four kegs of your finest imported-sounding beer.
Moe_Szyslak: How 'bout Tuborg? The beer of Danish Kings.
Homer_Simpson: Mmmm, Danish.
Moe_Szyslak: Now, you know I can't sell you no beer till two P.M., on accounta it's Sunday.
Homer_Simpson: Huh? If you can't sell beer, what are Lenny and Carl doing here?
Carl_Carlson: Huh? Uh, we're just watching the sun move across the sky.
Lenny_Leonard: (POINTING) When it gets to here, we can drink again.
Homer_Simpson: (WHINY) But I need that beer now.
Moe_Szyslak: Sorry. Two P.M. (JOKING) Or you can steal a boat and sail out to International Waters.
Homer_Simpson: What's that, a theme park?
Moe_Szyslak: No, the ocean. Once you get twelve miles out, there's no laws at all. That's where they held the Tyson/Secretariat fight.
Homer_Simpson: (LAUGHS) They were so drunk. Gentlemen, get off your knees. Your rich uncle Homer is throwing the wildest box social the high seas have ever seen!
Homer_Simpson: And you're invited.


Lenny_Leonard: Hey, Moe, if you're tired of bein' an eyesore, why not get some plastic surgery?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, boy! (SIGHS)
Homer_Simpson: Moe, the new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture!
Moe_Szyslak: (EXCITED) Oh, boy! Move over liquor license.
Lenny_Leonard: (EXAMINES LICENSE) Hey Moe, this license expired in 1973, and... and it's only good in Rhode Island, and it's signed by you.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, yeah, I've been meanin' to get that updated, uh, for this state, and real. Now let's see the poster boy for the new Moe-lennium.
Moe_Szyslak: They put a sticker over my face!
Moe_Szyslak: Hey... Viva la... Kiss... What...
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, for the love of Jeff!
Moe_Szyslak: (SADLY) Am I really that ugly?
Carl_Carlson: (WARMLY) Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat?
Moe_Szyslak: (SOBS) Oh my God! It's worse than I thought.
Carl_Carlson: (TO CAMERA) See, this is why I don't talk much.
Moe_Szyslak: I can't believe they put those stickers over my face. (SIGHS) I must be the ugliest man alive.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, Moe. There's lots of people uglier than you. Like, you ever been to White Castle?
Carl_Carlson: Ho, boy -- Pigtown U.S.A.!
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, c'mon, look at me. I'm a gargoyle. What, with the cauliflower ear there, and the lizard lips...
Carl_Carlson: The little rat eyes...
Homer_Simpson: Caveman brow...
Lenny_Leonard: Don't forget that fish snout.
Moe_Szyslak: ("BACK OFF") Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.
Lenny_Leonard: Or listen to.
Carl_Carlson: Or be with.
Homer_Simpson: C'mon, Moe. Don't feel bad. There's too much emphasis on looks these days. That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV before midnight.
Moe_Szyslak: Plastic surgery, huh?... (POINTS AT FACE) Ah, maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.
Carl_Carlson: I-I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad on the inside.
Moe_Szyslak: But I'd look good on the outside, right?
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.
Moe_Szyslak: Plastic surgery it is!
Moe_Szyslak: Carl Carlson, you just saved my life! (SPOTTING SOMETHING) Hey, get out of there!
Carl_Carlson: So, Lenny, how are things workin' out with you and that girl next door?
Lenny_Leonard: Eh, it's over. She got a windowshade.
Lenny_Leonard: Wha?!
Moe_Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, if you must grope me, ladies, please, a little softer. (CHUCKLES) Okay, now harder.
Carl_Carlson: (DISTRAUGHT) Hey, there are women in our bar!
Homer_Simpson: Hey, Moe. Beer me!
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, I'm a little busy, Homer. Ah, you can pour it yourself.
Homer_Simpson: (RE: TAP) Hmm. This isn't nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem.
Homer_Simpson: I'm sorry about your face, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Nah, it's just as well. That handsome face was nice, but it was too much maintenance. I had to wash it, rub it with neat's-foot oil... You did me a favor, Homer. And to think I was about to sell the bar to Hooters...
Homer_Simpson: Yeah, you were... (ANNOYED GRUNT)
Moe_Szyslak: Well, I guess that wraps it up. Hey, there's one thing I don't get, though. When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? I mean, shouldn't it have turned into some kind of third face that was different? Heh. Don't make no...


Moe_Szyslak: Refund? Hey, sounds good to me.
Lenny_Leonard: Sure beats a tax!
Carl_Carlson: (RAISING BEER) We love you, President Simpson.
Moe_Szyslak: Tax hike?! Hold the phone, Mabel!
Carl_Carlson: You know, I never trusted her.
Lenny_Leonard: Don't blame me. I voted for Chastity Bono.


Barney_Gumble: No, I'm not!
Barney_Gumble: Gee, is that what I look like when I'm drunk?
Lenny_Leonard: ...so I says to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence... of bein' a jerk."
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Barney. What's with the glum face? You glum or somethin'? Huh, Glummy?
Barney_Gumble: (SINCERE) You know, it was my birthday last week, and no one remembered.
Carl_Carlson: What are you, nuts?
Homer_Simpson: I threw you a party at my house.
Barney_Gumble: You lie. Why would I not remember my own (WHILE DRINKING) birthday?
Moe_Szyslak: But we did have a shindig for ya, Barn. We even videotaped it. Look.
Moe_Szyslak: (QUIETLY TO SELF) Oh, that's it, baby. All for Moe. Oh, yeah. Work the slot. Show me the package.
Moe_Szyslak: (EMBARRASSED) Whoa, tha... (LAUGHS) that, that's a project I'm working on. Sorry.
Bart_Simpson: Okay, Mom. We're rolling.
Marge_Simpson: I wrote a poem for Barney on this special occasion. (READING POEM) "Now that you're one year older, the time flew by so fast..."
Marge_Simpson: Bart!
Marge_Simpson: Gimme that! (GRUNTS)
Barney_Gumble: (TIPSY) I'm just saying that when we die, there's going to be a planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese, and we'll all be a lot happier...
Lisa_Simpson: (VERY UNCOMFORTABLE) Mr. Gumbel, you're upsetting me.
Homer_Simpson: You wish. That's the stage we call "Professor Barney" -- talkative, coherent, even insightful. Here's drunk.
Barney_Gumble: (HIGH VOICE) Well, I'm off to market... (BELCHES)
Homer_Simpson: (UPSET) Marge, you're making a complete fool of yourse... (REALIZING) Oh, it's just Barney.
Barney_Gumble: (GASPS) Precious alcohol! Soaking into shag.
Barney_Gumble: (SIGHS) How embarrassing. But how did this happen?
Lenny_Leonard: Oh, that. You've had that for a while.
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, I can't really picture you without it.
Barney_Gumble: Oh, I'm a disgrace.
Homer_Simpson: Disgracefully hilarious! (LAUGHS) You passed out before we could even give you your presents.
Carl_Carlson: I still got mine. Barney, I got you what no drunk can do without: Morning-After Stationery.
Moe_Szyslak: And I got ya helicopter flying lessons. (TO BARFLIES) Can you imagine this boozebag at the wheel of a whirlybird?
Moe_Szyslak: (LAUGHS) He'd be all "Look at me! I'm a tanked-up loser in a helicopter!"
Moe_Szyslak: (SWEETLY) Ah, anyway, Happy B-day, punkin.
Barney_Gumble: So, I'm a tanked-up loser? Is that how you see me?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, sounds like a certain loser could use some tanking up.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey, where ya goin'?
Barney_Gumble: I'll show you. I'm gonna take these helicopter lessons.
Homer_Simpson: Wait a minute, Barney. You gotta be sober to fly. I mean, it's not like drivin' a car.
Barney_Gumble: Then I'm gonna quit drinking.
Barney_Gumble: No, I mean it.
Barney_Gumble: You won't see me here again. Ever.
Moe_Szyslak: Wait, that ain't funny. He's my best customer.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar's gonna have to go queer.
Larry: You mean it's not?
Larry: (TO BOOK) Wrong again, "Gay Guide to Springfield
Barney_Gumble: Gimme a beer!
Moe_Szyslak: (CALMLY) I knew you'd be back.
Moe_Szyslak: (TO SELF) Santeria, you're the greatest!
Homer_Simpson: Barney, didn't you say you were gonna stop drinking?
Barney_Gumble: (BREAKS DOWN) I know, but it's so hard. Please help me, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: You came to the right guy. I'll straighten ya out... right after I finish this beer.
Homer_Simpson: Ah, man that's sweet. Okay, let's go.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer. (AS HOMER SITS) Ah, no, no, no, don't sit there. Take this seat, right next to the tap.
Homer_Simpson: (SUSPICIOUSLY) But that's Barney's seat. Are you tryin' to make me the new Barney?
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, every bar needs a world-class drunk.
Lenny_Leonard: Yeah, someone who makes our alcoholism seem less raging.
Homer_Simpson: Well, forget it, guys. I am not Barney! (BARNEY-TYPE BELCH)
Moe_Szyslak: See, Homer? It's not so bad. (THEN MEAN) Now dance, rummy!
Homer_Simpson: (BEAT) Okay...
Homer_Simpson: Lenny, Carl, I know a lot of people bad-mouth you, and focus on how you suck, but not me. To me, you're true blue.
Carl_Carlson: Aw, thanks big guy.
Lenny_Leonard: Now dance, rummy!
Homer_Simpson: Okay.
Barney_Gumble: Hiya, Moe.
Homer_Simpson: Well, if it isn't Little Miss "I'm not wasting my life anymore." (CATTY) Which he is.
Barney_Gumble: (CONSULTING A.A. BOOK) Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last twenty years.
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, that's okay, Barn.
Barney_Gumble: No, it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table... which I then befouled.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.
Kent_Brockman: This is a Channel Six news bulletin.
Kent_Brockman: Fire has broken out on Mount Springfield, trapping two youngsters and their camera.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, no! That's Bart and Lisa!
Kent_Brockman: Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze, as they are all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, "Fireball and Mudflap." I caught up with Burt on the set.
Kent_Brockman: So, Burt, tell us a little about "Fireball and Mudflap."
Burt_Reynolds: Well, I play Jerry "Fireball" Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Court Justice who's searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's garbage.
Homer_Simpson: Barney, you gotta fly us up there and save my kids!
Barney_Gumble: I can't. I've never flown solo!
Homer_Simpson: Barney...
Homer_Simpson: The call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?
Moe_Szyslak: (LOWERING BINOCULARS, SINISTER) Nobody gets away from Moe. Nobody!


Homer_Simpson: Grieving father, comin' through...
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, ah, booze is on the house, seeing as how Lisa is, ah,... how do I put this... uh, ridin' the midnight train to slab city.
Homer_Simpson: Thanks for the beer, Moe. But before Lisa died, she made this tape that I think you should hear.
Lisa_Simpson: (ON TAPE) Dear Moe, if anything should ever happen to me, I want you to tear up my dad's tab, (RELUCTANTLY) and pour cocktail onions... Dad, I can't--
Homer_Simpson: (ON TAPE, THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) Read it!
Lisa_Simpson: (ON TAPE, RESIGNED) ... pour cocktail onions down your pants.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, I ain't never said no to a dead girl yet.


Lenny_Leonard: According to my uncle...
Lenny_Leonard: Miss Springfield isn't as beautiful as she seems. Word is, she uses appearance-altering cosmetics.
Carl_Carlson: The public should be warned. I wish Mr. X were here.
Homer_Simpson: (SLY) Oh, I don't know, Carl. He might be closer than you think.
Carl_Carlson: Are you him? Are you Mr. X?
Homer_Simpson: No!
Carl_Carlson: Uh, but you talked in that real sly voice. (LOUD) Hey, hey, everybody, Homer's Mr. X!
Homer_Simpson: I am not. (SLY) Or am I?
Lenny_Leonard: Are you?
Homer_Simpson: No!
Moe_Szyslak: Well, if Mr. X were here right now, I'd buy him a tall frosty.
Homer_Simpson: (LOW) Hey, Moe, can you keep a secret?
Moe_Szyslak: No.
Homer_Simpson: Not even a little one?
Moe_Szyslak: No.
Homer_Simpson: What if I just whisper it?
Moe_Szyslak: No, I tells ya.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, guys. How's it goin'?
Homer_Simpson: Oh, don't worry about the Mr. X thing. (SITTING DOWN) I'm just here for a beer.
Moe_Szyslak: (WARILY) I dunno if I want you in here no more, Homer, uh... I got a lotta secrets I'd prefer to keep clandestine. Terrible, disturbing secrets.
Voice: So hungry.
Homer_Simpson: (TO SELF, HAPPILY) I smell another Pulitzer.
Rev._Timothy_Lovejoy: Well, Helen, as it says in the Bible...
Rev._Timothy_Lovejoy: (LOW, TO HELEN) I'll tell you later.


Barflies: Burn! Burn! Burn!
Barney_Gumble: You know, Homer, I got a great way to make money -- I'm a human guinea pig.
Homer_Simpson: You mean, like, medical testing?
Barney_Gumble: Yeah, medical... military... chewin' stuff...
Moe_Szyslak: Chewin' stuff?!
Barney_Gumble: Yeah, like, you chew on a telephone wire till you get a shock.
Moe_Szyslak: (SATISFIED) Oh, oh, right, okay.
Homer_Simpson: Yeah, but aren't those experiments dangerous?
Barney_Gumble: Ah, you get a few side effects.
Moe_Szyslak: (SHOCKED) Are those ears?!
Barney_Gumble: (WINCES AND COVERS HIS CHEST) Ow! Not so loud.
Homer_Simpson: Hmmmm.
Barflies: Burn! Burn! Burn!
Homer_Simpson: Effigy, eh? Yeah, nothing burns like an effigy. (DAWNING) Hey, that's me!
Homer_Simpson: Stop that! The fire inspector would be appalled.
Fire_Inspector: Don't tell me how to feel.
Homer_Simpson: So you all hate me?
Lenny_Leonard: That's right, Brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for workin'.
Carl_Carlson: Not to mention drivin' to.
Moe_Szyslak: And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier.
Lenny_Leonard: You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.
Homer_Simpson: Hmm, I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern...
Moe_Szyslak: Power off, Einstein.
Moe_Szyslak: So whaddaya want here? Uh, Appendectomy, lipo, or (EXCITED, SELLING) the "sampler"? That's very popular.
Homer_Simpson: (DRAMATICALLY) I want you to stick this crayon into my brain.
Moe_Szyslak: No problem. (ART CARNEY ARM FLOURISH) The ol' Crayola oblongata.
Moe_Szyslak: All right, tell me when I hit the sweet spot.
Homer_Simpson: Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner-pusher.
Moe_Szyslak: All right, all right.
Homer_Simpson: (INANELY) Dee-fense! (GRUNTS TWICE) Dee-fense! (GRUNTS TWICE)
Moe_Szyslak: (ALMOST THERE) That's pretty dumb... But uh...
Homer_Simpson: Extended warranty? How can I lose?
Moe_Szyslak: Perfect.


Lenny_Leonard: Get him!
Moe_Szyslak: And stay out!
Moe_Szyslak: Get out and take your Sacajawea dollars with you. I'll give ya till "three."
Moe_Szyslak: (COUNTING) One...
Moe_Szyslak: Hey Homer, who's the manatee?
Homer_Simpson: Aw, now, be nice, Moe. This guy just got out of the hospital.
Moe_Szyslak: Ooh, sorry. Ah, lemme buy ya a drink.
Comic_Book_Guy: Very well. (CLEARS THROAT)
Comic_Book_Guy: I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps. (POINTS TO BOTTLE)
Moe_Szyslak: (LAUGHS, PATS WALL) Ah, these, aah, they're just painted on, there. Your choices are beer and, ah... (SCANNING BAR, SEES JAR) egg soakin's.
Comic_Book_Guy: I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.
Carl_Carlson: Hey, you knockin' beer?
Lenny_Leonard: Nobody badmouths Duff!
Lenny_Leonard: Uh, piece o' crap.
Homer_Simpson: (TO COMIC BOOK GUY) C'mon, you're here to make friends.
Comic_Book_Guy: Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, now he's raggin' on air conditioners.
Carl_Carlson: (INDIGNANT) Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal!
Comic_Book_Guy: Is there a word in Klingon for "Loneliness"?
Comic_Book_Guy: Oh, yes. (GUTTURAL KLINGON NOISES)


Homer_Simpson: And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way. 'Cause that's the kind of guy I am this week.
Lenny_Leonard: (ANNOYED SOUND) Lousy Isotopes! They're a disgrace to baseball.
Carl_Carlson: They lost again?
Lenny_Leonard: (NODS) Mm hmm. The team's been terrible since they got bought by the cheap, heartless Duff Corporation. Hey Moe, gimme a Duff. (DRINKING ONE) Oh yeah, sweet Duff.
Carl_Carlson: Wait a minute. Duff owns the Springfield Isotopes? Since when?
Moe_Szyslak: They bought 'em a year ago, from the Mafia. It was the last of the family-owned teams.
Lenny_Leonard: I tried to return my season ticket, but they wouldn't give me my money back. They said they wanted it.
Homer_Simpson: Say no more. I'll help you, Lenny.
Lenny_Leonard: (SURPRISED) You wanna help me?
Moe_Szyslak: Haven't you heard? He's the new Homer.
Carl_Carlson: He's wonderful.


Homer_Simpson: Quick, Moe! Marge cut off my thumb!
Moe_Szyslak: No problem. Just stick the ol' eye-gouger in the pickle brine. That'll keep your thumb fresh and delicious.
Homer_Simpson: Thanks, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, ah, hey, ain't you gonna have a beer?
Homer_Simpson: Well, I really shouldn't, what with my massive blood loss and all... (LOOKING AT THUMB) Although I do like the occasional beer...
Homer_Simpson: (LOUD) Did you ever see that "Blue Man Group?" Total rip-off of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs? They suck.
Moe_Szyslak: (SNIFFS) Uh-oh. I smell gangrene. We gotta wake him up.
Barney_Gumble: (HOLDING CUP) A little coffee'll do the trick.
Homer_Simpson: (WAKING-UP SOUND, THEN INSTANTLY SOBER) I've gotta get to Dr. Nick's!
Homer_Simpson: Where's Marge?! (DISAPPROVING SOUND) That is so rude. (MOANS) I know, I'll hitchhike.
Lisa_Simpson: My Dad's not here? I need a ride to school.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, yeah. We all got problems.
Lisa_Simpson: Chief Wiggum, can you drive me to school? It's an emergency.
Chief_Wiggum: Ah, no can do, Dollface. I've got an informant wearing a wire.
Chief_Wiggum: (EXCITED) Heh, just like on "Nash Bridges." We're tryin' to get the goods on some smugglers.
VOICE_ON_TRANSMITTER: Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods.
Lisa_Simpson: That sounds like Fat Tony.
Chief_Wiggum: Hm, only one way to be sure.
Chief_Wiggum: (INTO MIC) Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony?
2ND_VOICE_ON_TRANSMITTER: Hey, where's that voice comin' from?
3RD_VOICE: This guy's wearing a wire!
VOICE_ON_TRANSMITTER: Take him out!
Chief_Wiggum: (PRESSES BUTTON) My bad. I can't work my answering machine either. Now I need a new informant. Say, Lisa, people trust you. How'd you like to be a snitch? The pay stinks, but--
Chief_Wiggum: Oh.
Homer_Simpson: Quick, Moe! Marge cut off my thumb.
Marge_Simpson: Lisa!
Lisa_Simpson: Mom? Where'd you get that car?
Marge_Simpson: I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father's thumb.
Lisa_Simpson: Can you take me to school? Please?
Marge_Simpson: Not right now. Your father's in there and --
Homer_Simpson: (LOUD) Did you ever see that "Blue Man Group?"
Marge_Simpson: Oh, he's on the Blue Man group again. C'mon, we've got lotsa time.
Chief_Wiggum: Your mission is to find the fireworks smugglers and get them to say something incriminating (HE TAPS A TAPE RECORDER ON THE TABLE) on this tape.
Bart_Simpson: Hootie and the Blowfish?
Chief_Wiggum: Yeah. It's cheaper than blank tape.


Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, but they come over here in the wheel wells of Aer Lingus jets.
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Uh, go with the leprechaun.
Homer_Simpson: Guys, I am not cursed!
Lenny_Leonard: (DYING) Carl, let me die first. I couldn't bear to watch you die.
Carl_Carlson: (DYING) Well, okay, but hurry up.
Homer_Simpson: (DISTRAUGHT) Oh, Moe, they're dead! And it's all my fault!
Homer_Simpson: When did that happen?


Homer_Simpson: I hit my head, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: One beer, comin' up.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey. No kids in the bar.
Homer_Simpson: Since when?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, the heat's been on since them Bush girls were in here.
Homer_Simpson: All right, all right. (DEJECTED) Come on, Bart.
Bart_Simpson: I'm cold and scared.
Homer_Simpson: That's my little slugger.
Bart_Simpson: C'mon, Dad. Let's go.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, knock it off! These pants cost six hundred dollars!
Moe_Szyslak: Really?
Homer_Simpson: Yeah, they're Italian.
Moe_Szyslak: (PULLING SHOTGUN) All right. Hand 'em over.
Homer_Simpson: Moe? What the?...
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I rob now.


Homer_Simpson: Yes. Eventually, I became King of the Morlocks.
Carl_Carlson: But Morlocks are from the future.
Homer_Simpson: You callin' me a liar, Carl?
Moe_Szyslak: Wait a minute, Homer. If it's true, what about all the stuff you weren't around for?
Lenny_Leonard: Yeah. How'd you know the Chinese were spyin' on ya?
Homer_Simpson: Oh, I just naturally assumed.
Moe_Szyslak: That is the stupidest story I ever heard, and I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series. Ha. I am sick of you drunks and your shaggy dog stories.
Barney_Gumble: Sorry, Shaggy.
Barney_Gumble: (TO MOE) Oh, now I gotta go home to that. Thanks a lot.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, quitcher bellyaching, coffee boy. You're lucky I let ya in here.
Homer_Simpson: Geez Moe, you've been a real crank lately.
Moe_Szyslak: You take that back.
Homer_Simpson: Now, ya see, that's what I'm talkin' about. You're always pointing that shotgun at us.
Lenny_Leonard: And callin' us dumb-asses...
Carl_Carlson: Which we're so not.
Moe_Szyslak: (LOWERS GUN) But, can you blame me? Every day it's the same old routine. I serve you drinks, you yak on and on and on, and I never get one stinkin' tip.
Homer_Simpson: Maybe we'd tip you if you'd smile once in a while.
Moe_Szyslak: What d'ya call this?
Carl_Carlson: Shesh, don't do that!
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, who am I kiddin'? I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the ice pick. Ha, remember that?
Homer_Simpson: That was an amazing throw.
Moe_Szyslak: Ahh! How did I lose my passion for the job? When I was in bartending school, I thought I had the world by the jigger.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, where'd that painting come from?
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, I put this up recently, and it's a good thing I did, 'cause it really illustrates my point. (TURNS BACK TO PAINTING) Yep, good ol' Swigmore U.
Carl_Carlson: Gee, uh, when you talk about that school, your voice fills with, uh... what do you call it? Human feeling.
Lenny_Leonard: Yeah, maybe you should, uh... what's the expression? Go back there.
Moe_Szyslak: What's the word I'm searching for? Uh... yeah! (PUTTING ON COAT) A trip to the alma mater might really rekindle my love of gettin' people loaded.
Carl_Carlson: But who'll run the bar while you're gone?
Homer_Simpson: Ooh, ooh, pick me!
Lenny_Leonard: Pick me, Lenny!
Carl_Carlson: Pick me! I'm an urban Lenny.
Moe_Szyslak: Look, I don't wanna start A tinklin' contest here... (INTRIGUED) or do I?
Moe_Szyslak: ... And if anybody wants potato chips or anything fancy, tell 'em to go to hell.
Homer_Simpson: Can do. Now don't you worry about a thing.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, what are you doin'? I gotta pay for that!
Homer_Simpson: No Moe. You've got it all wrong. People buy beer from you.
Moe_Szyslak: (EXASPERATED SIGH) All right, look, I-I gotta go.
Homer_Simpson: (MATTER-OF-FACT) I thought you said you had to go.
Homer_Simpson: Man, when's the last time Moe cleaned this?
Carl_Carlson: Hey, Homer! Another Duff!
Lenny_Leonard: Hey Homer, do you mind if I bring in some outside food?
Homer_Simpson: Oh, I don't know. What would Moe say about that?
Homer_Simpson: (SLYLY) But on the other hand, Moe's not here.
Lenny_Leonard: Ah, Homer, you're the greatest.
Barney_Gumble: Hey! (ETC.)
Lenny_Leonard: (TO GUYS) Sorry. Sorry.
Homer_Simpson: (GOOD NATURED) For what? (WALKING TOWARD JUKEBOX) A little splattered food never hurt anybody. (JUBILANT) Now everybody shut up and dance!
Barney_Gumble: Hey, what happened to the music?
Homer_Simpson: Don't worry. You gotta hit it just right. Like Fonzie.
Homer_Simpson: Ayyy!
Homer_Simpson: Oh! Whoa! Hemorrhage-amundo!
Carl_Carlson: Are you gonna be okay?
Homer_Simpson: (STILL COOL) Ayyy.
Homer_Simpson: Yello?
Bart_Simpson: Yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger. First name, Ollie.
Homer_Simpson: (EXCITED) Ooo, Bart! (REALIZING) My first prank call. What do I do?
Bart_Simpson: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
Homer_Simpson: I don't get it.
Bart_Simpson: (ANNOYED, DELIBERATE) Yell out "I'll eat a booger."
Homer_Simpson: What's the gag?
Bart_Simpson: Oh, forget it.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: You dirty teen.
Moe_Szyslak: (BEING HIT SOUNDS) Hey, Homer stop, stop! It's me! Geez. (TAKES OFF HARDHAT)
Homer_Simpson: (INCREDULOUS) Moe? Wrecking Moe's bar?
Homer_Simpson: Wow, well I (NERVOUS GIGGLE) I almost fainted, but then I didn't. (LOOKING AROUND, UPSET) What are you doing?
Moe_Szyslak: My Professor said if I prettied up this dump, it would renew my zeal.
Homer_Simpson: And it would look pretty, too.
Moe_Szyslak: And now, I want you to meet the guy who's gonna help bring Moe's into the twentieth century.
Formico: I am Formico. The Dean of Design.
Homer_Simpson: Hi, Formico.
Formico: Ah, ah, ah! My name must never be spoken.
Homer_Simpson: Sorry. (TO MOE) He seems nice.
Lisa_Simpson: How'd they get your bar back to normal so quickly, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: It's a snap when you use Certified Contractors.
Bart_Simpson: Like the ones found in your local Yellow Pages.
Moe_Szyslak: Exactly.
Homer_Simpson: I'm sorry I shot you, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, that's okay. It's like my Dad always said, "Eventually everybody gets shot."
Marge_Simpson: Aw, I'm glad you two are friends again so we can all have Thanksgiving dinner together in this bar.
Homer_Simpson: (NOTICING BAND) Hey, who invited the hippies?
Lisa_Simpson: I did. You owe REM an apology for, eco-fraud.
Homer_Simpson: (RELUCTANT) All right, I'm sorry... (BITTER) but I will not save the rainforest.
Peter_Buck: Good enough. Let's eat.
Lisa_Simpson: And we should all be thankful to Michael, Peter and Mike for supplying this beautiful turkey, made entirely of tofu.
Mike_Mills: Tofu and gluten!
Bart_Simpson: I'm thankful I ate before I came.
Michael_Stipe: Oh, come on, Bart. Smell those curds! (SNIFFS, SATISFIED SIGH) Mmmmm, curds.
Homer_Simpson: And I'm thankful I get to spend Thanksgiving with my family, these alternative rockers, and my favorite bartender.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, here you go, pal. (GIVES HOMER A BEER)
Homer_Simpson: And here you go.


Homer_Simpson: Okay Gabriel, this is a "bar." It's where I go to drink "alcohol," which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia.
Gabriel: (ANGRY) Homer, I am not an angel!
Homer_Simpson: Well, not with that temper.
Homer_Simpson: (DRUNK) Look, the thing about my family is, there's five of us. (COUNTING DELIBERATELY ON FINGERS) Marge, Bart, girl-Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.
Carl_Carlson: No. You're thinking of someone with two knives.
Moe_Szyslak: I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific. (LAUGHS) Yeah.
Homer_Simpson: My lady's glass is empty, Moe. Bring her another cookies 'n' creme martini.
Amber_Dempsey: (TIPSY) No, honey. This time make it a "Sex on the Beach." And hold the beach. (SMALL ANNOYING LAUGH)
Lenny_Leonard: (ADMIRING) Gee, Homer. Your new wife is great. Her lips look like night-crawlers.
Homer_Simpson: (BRAGGING) You know, she could put that mole anywhere on her face.
Lenny_Leonard: Wowww.
Homer_Simpson: To Amber... who proves there are seconds in the buffet of life.


Lenny_Leonard: Well, I say the most clothespins a man could attach to his face is eighty-seven.
Carl_Carlson: You counting the neck?
Lenny_Leonard: You know I am.
Carl_Carlson: All right. (PUNCHES PALM) Outside.
Homer_Simpson: Peace, my people. All shall be looked up. (FLIPS THROUGH THE BOOK) Let's see, most clothespins: swallowed, inserted... here we go, clipped to face and neck. One hundred and sixteen.
Lenny_Leonard: Geez, I was wrong, but I ain't angry.
Carl_Carlson: And I'm magnanimous in victory.
Moe_Szyslak: Wow, that's the best book I've ever seen!
Homer_Simpson: (CHECKING BOOK) No, the best book you've ever seen is Tom Clancy's "Op Center."
Moe_Szyslak: (AMAZED) That thing knows me better than I know myself.


Duffman: Hey, Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar love Duff?
Carl_Carlson: Hey, it's Duffman!
Lenny_Leonard: Newsweek said you died of liver failure.
Duffman: Duffman can never die. Only the actors who play him. (THRUST) Oh yeah!
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, you must be here for the uh, Duff trivia challenge.
Duffman: That's right, local distributor. One of you could win a lifetime supply of Duff.
Duffman: Okay, chug-monkeys. What beverage, brewed since ancient times, is made from hops and grains?
Lenny_Leonard: How about "Ancient Hop Grain Juice"?
Moe_Szyslak: Wait, wait, wait, Homer's tryin' to make a guess...
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, oh, what are you doing? You're gettin' some kind of booze all over.
Duffman: Time's up. The answer is (TURNS CARD OVER, READING:) beer! Ooh, Duff luck.
Carl_Carlson: I never woulda figured that out.
Lenny_Leonard: Hm. Now, that's the kinda thing you just gotta know.
Homer_Simpson: And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen.
Homer_Simpson: I learned so much about my family. You'd be surprised how much you hear if you just listen once in a while.
Lenny_Leonard: Really? Let's try it.
Moe_Szyslak: Hello? Yeah, I'd like to arrange for an escort please.
Moe_Szyslak: To where? How 'bout "Orgasmville"? Hello? Hello?
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, hey, how ya doin'?
Homer_Simpson: I was just tellin' all the guys how losing the power of speech made me a better man.
Lindsay_Naegle: I couldn't agree more. You're today's modern, enlightened man -- the kind we television producers have been booking since the mid-seventies.
Carl_Carlson: Hey, what are you doing in here?
Lindsay_Naegle: (ALL BUSINESS) I'm an alcoholic. Homer, will you appear on my show?
Homer_Simpson: Sure thing, Alky.


Homer_Simpson: (GRANDIOSE) This round's on me, Moe. I got a big payday comin'.
Homer_Simpson: Yeah. Homer sold his wife for a million bucks.
Homer_Simpson: I didn't sell her. I just rented her to an old boyfriend.
Homer_Simpson: Gee, a million bucks, that's gonna buy him a lot of, uh... Swings in the old battin' cage. (PERVERTED NOISE)
Lenny_Leonard: Looks like everyone's a winner. Marge gets a great new life...
Carl_Carlson: And you get more sprawl space on the bed.
Homer_Simpson: (WORRIED) Wait, you really think Marge is gonna fall for this guy? Even after I bought her that hockey-fight tape?
Carl_Carlson: I'd dump your ass.
Lenny_Leonard: Me too.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I can't get Artie out of my head. He's like a spy in the house of Moe.
Homer_Simpson: Oh God, you're right. I've gotta get her back before it's too late.
Homer_Simpson: (PANTS) That's enough running.
Homer_Simpson: Oh guys, it was horrible. I saw Marge kissing a far superior man.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, well if it makes you feel any better, he's probably doin' her right now.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh yeah, make me the bad guy.
Homer_Simpson: My life here is over. (STANDS UP, DRAMATIC) Lenny, how'd you like to leave town with me, and never come back?
Lenny_Leonard: Sounds like a plan.
Homer_Simpson: Then it's settled. We leave Springfield forever.
Carl_Carlson: What'd I miss? Anything good?


Lookalike: (PEPPY) Hi, I'm Chuck. (POINTS TO DOOR THROUGH WHICH MCBAIN EXITED) I live in his trunk.
Homer_Simpson: (GRANDIOSE) Hello, gentlemen. Would you care to meet my new best friend...
Homer_Simpson: Rainier Wolfcastle.
Carl_Carlson: (TEENAGE GIRL) OhmyGod, ohmyGod, ohmyGod...
Lenny_Leonard: Hey, I've been using that ab roller you endorse, but I haven't gotten any results.
Rainier_Wolfcastle: Right, because you've been using it backward.
Carl_Carlson: Are you really Homer's friend?
Lenny_Leonard: After they shoot your movies, who gets the leftover film?
Moe_Szyslak: Is it true that if I kill you I become you?
Rainier_Wolfcastle: (DISGUSTED NOISE) This looks like a job for my authorized lookalike.
Moe_Szyslak: So how much you lookalikes make? 'Cause some say I look like Macaulay Culkin.


Homer_Simpson: So Lisa says by killing their enemy, I became the alpha-crow.
Moe_Szyslak: (UNEASY) I gotta admit, I-I'm kinda nervous, here. We haven't seen Barney since they enveloped him.
Homer_Simpson: I'm sure he'll turn up. Look, here's one of his buttons.
Moe_Szyslak: All right, that's it. Get 'em outta here. This ain't no crow bar.
Moe_Szyslak: This is a crowbar!
Moe_Szyslak: See? They got the little stools and everything.
Moe_Szyslak: What's the matter, Homer? You're drunk but you're not like sloppy drunk.
Homer_Simpson: Going cold turkey isn't as delicious as it sounds.
Moe_Szyslak: Look, I, I'm really glad you're off the wacky tobacky.
Lenny_Leonard: Yeah, you were gettin' all spacey and everything. We were gonna have an intervention.
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, but at the planning party I got alcohol poisoning. Heh. I nearly died.
Moe_Szyslak: (CHUCKLES) I was already makin' excuses not to go to your funeral.


Homer_Simpson: ...So anyway, if you take that bottle down, and pass it around--
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (INTERRUPTING, IMPATIENT) I know, I know, there will be forty-seven bottles of beer on the wall. Yes. Homer, you did not bring me here for this. What is it that you want to tell me?
Homer_Simpson: Okay, this isn't easy, so I'm just gonna come out and say it.


Moe_Szyslak: (TERRIFIED NOISE) Here-here-here you go, mister.


Homer_Simpson: Let's say this pepper got married to this salt shaker, and along comes sexy Mrs. Dash...
Marge_Simpson: Homie, it's eleven at night. Have you told him yet?
Lenny_Leonard: A girl in the bar! What do we do?
Moe_Szyslak: Watch and learn, ya dinks.
Moe_Szyslak: Ma'am.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (TO HOMER) Is there something you want to tell me?
Homer_Simpson: I saw you and that Squishee Lady -- canoodling like junkyard rabbits!
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (HORRIFIED GASP) It's true. It only happened once, but I am so ashamed. I am scum.
Homer_Simpson: (SOOTHING) Yes. You are scum.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (SOBS) What do you think I should do?
Marge_Simpson: Tell that woman it's over between you and her.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Yes. First thing in the morning. I promise.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey Marge, uh, you care for a tropical drink?
Marge_Simpson: Sure.
Marge_Simpson: Is that Windex?
Moe_Szyslak: It's Windelle. I can't afford Windex.


Lenny_Leonard: If you ask me Muhammad Ali, in his prime, was much better than anti-lock brakes.
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, I cannot listen to this again.
Homer_Simpson: Guys, I just ordered my wife the greatest anniversary present -- a koi pond.
Carl_Carlson: A koi pond?
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, a meditative lily-pond, with big beautiful fish that fry up really good.
Carl_Carlson: Oh, that's the perfect gift.
Lenny_Leonard: Yeah, you don't even have to feed the fish, 'cause squirrels drown in it.
Carl_Carlson: You got this husband thing down, Homer.
Lenny_Leonard: Yeah, you must be some kind of marriage super-genius. How 'bout a few tips?
Homer_Simpson: Certainly, Lenford. Make every day a celebration of your love. Surprise her with a pasta salad! Put a mini-beret on your wang!
Lenny_Leonard: Ooh, this stuff is gold.
Carl_Carlson: Happy marriage here I come!
Moe_Szyslak: This'll really help with my speed dating!
Moe_Szyslak: (SADLY) I got four hundred nos.
Carl_Carlson: Do you really think Homer could be a killer?
Lenny_Leonard: I just can't believe a man we sat and drank with all these years could do such a horrible thing.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, we've all got that voice in our heads telling us to kill. You just have to drown it out.
Moe_Szyslak: (SINGS) I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD / ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY... (THEN) Yeah, that's better.
Homer_Simpson: (WEARY) Oh man, what a day. I'd kill for a beer.
Moe_Szyslak: (GASP) Right away, sir. I-I-I don't want no trouble.
Homer_Simpson: (INTRIGUED NOISE) I'd stab somebody for a pickle.
Homer_Simpson: Gimme some peanuts.
Moe_Szyslak: (À LA SIMON SAYS) Up-bup-bup. You didn't say you'd kill me.
Homer_Simpson: (SIGHS) I'll kill you if you don't give me some peanuts.


Homer_Simpson: Fellas, I'm starting my own private police force. Will you join me?
Carl_Carlson: Well, who would my partner be?
Homer_Simpson: How 'bout Lenny?
Lenny_Leonard: Him?
Lenny_Leonard: No way!
Homer_Simpson: You'll do as I say or I'll have your badges. (ADMITTING) Once I make and give you your badges.
Homer_Simpson: Woo hoo! I'm Chief of Police.
Moe_Szyslak: Police? Uh-oh.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, wait. It was better the other way.


Moe_Szyslak: Now, uh... who's gonna be pickin' up the tab?
HOMER_DOUBLES: (IN UNISON) Len-ny.
Lenny_Leonard: Anything for Homers!
Professor_Jonathan_Frink: (UPSET) Oh, dear.
BILLY_THE_KID: Play us some pian-ee.
BILLY_THE_KID: That's piano! I said "pian-ee!"
BILLY_THE_KID: You, play the cell-ee.
BILLY_THE_KID: You, sing a song about cattle rustlin'.
BILLY_THE_KID: And you sing one about robbin' banks.
Bart_Simpson: ("SHOO FLY SHOO") CALF'S IN THE FIELD SO YOU SNEAK UP SLOW / GRAB 'IM BY THE TAIL AND GO MAN GO...
Lisa_Simpson: BREAK INTO THE BANK AND SNATCH THAT DOUGH...
Lisa_Simpson: PLEASE DON'T HURT OUR FAMILY.
Homer_Simpson: (LOUD SOTTO) Marge, let me do a solo. This could be my big break.
Marge_Simpson: I very much doubt that, Homer. These are horrible ghouls from the past.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, so are the Grammy judges. (LAUGHS)-- (SURPRISED NOISE)
Professor_Jonathan_Frink: Pardon the grabbing, but I've perfected a device that could save us all... a time machine. We can go back to the past and save our guns.
Homer_Simpson: Gimme!
Professor_Jonathan_Frink: Aw, for flayvin out loud, I hope he doesn't do anything to ruin the space-time continuum.


Homer_Simpson: Wait'll Moe sees how wasted I got without him. He's gonna plotz.
Homer_Simpson: Hi, Moe, got any beer?
Moe_Szyslak: (ABSENTMINDED, POLISHING A GLASS) Sure, check in the fridge.
Moe_Szyslak: Wait a minute. I'm at work. (GRABS BEER FROM HOMER) Ya gotta pay for it.
Homer_Simpson: (SURPRISED SOUND) What the-- Where's my money?
Marge_Simpson: "Dear Homie, Had to buy diapers for Maggie. Love, Marge."
Marge_Simpson: Simpson.
Lisa_Simpson: "Dear Dad, Took money for the school book fair."
Bart_Simpson: "Homer, I need cash or they're gonna break my legs."
Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: (INDIGNANT) So you're just gonna let me walk out of here sober.
Moe_Szyslak: I'm afraid so.
Homer_Simpson: And you can live with that.
Moe_Szyslak: Yuh-huh.
Homer_Simpson: Fine. There are plenty of other ways for me to alter my consciousness.
Carl_Carlson: You wouldn't serve Homer just 'cause he didn't have money?
Lenny_Leonard: What happened to you, Moe? You used to be about the booze.
Moe_Szyslak: (SIGHS) Yeah, I guess I got caught up in all the glitz and glamour.
Homer_Simpson: Well, Moe...
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, I'm so sorry. Have a free beer.
Homer_Simpson: Oh.
Homer_Simpson: (DRUNK, EMOTIONAL) Ah, I don't care about the color of your skin, Lenny. You're my friend! (CRIES)
Lenny_Leonard: Man, I've never seen anybody get loaded so fast.
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, can you say the alphabet backwards?
Homer_Simpson: (BELIGERENT) Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you, ya...
Carl_Carlson: Hey, I'm worried.
Homer_Simpson: I've had just about enough of you.
Carl_Carlson: Oh yeah?!
Carl_Carlson: Ah, rats.
Homer_Simpson: I'm outta here...
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, we can't let our friend drive like this. I'm liable, here.
Moe_Szyslak: Get his keys!
Homer_Simpson: (TAUNTING) Hey, you want my keys?
Homer_Simpson: Get 'em now, jerks. (SMUG LAUGH)
Homer_Simpson: So long, jerks. (SMUG LAUGH)
Homer_Simpson: Running after the car, huh? Let's see if you can follow this. (LOUDER ACCELERATING SOUND)
Moe_Szyslak: (SNAPPING) Oh, that's it.
Cab_Driver: Where to, Pal?
Homer_Simpson: Moe's Tavern.


Homer_Simpson: Gentlemen, say hello to Springfield's newest supermodel!
Lenny_Leonard: You're a lucky man, Homer.
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, this is the longest I've ever gone without lookin' at Lenny.
Marge_Simpson: Don't make a fuss over me, boys. Just pour me a beer in a clean glass.
Moe_Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You said no fuss.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, I wouldn't eat them peanuts. They're uh, they're spit-backs.


Marge_Simpson: We are not staying at Moe's. Maggie's already drunk on the fumes. And she's a mean drunk.
Moe_Szyslak: Come on, guys, you gotta stay. Tonight's the big cock fight. Ah-- (SELLING) We can eat the loser...
Homer_Simpson: (SCOFFS) Who wants to eat a loser?
Lisa_Simpson: Dad, we have to find a place soon. I really have to go to the bathroom and I'm out of tokens.
Barney_Gumble: You know, I heard of a new reality show where they let you live in a home for free.
Carl_Carlson: Oh yeah, the gimmick is, it's a house from 1895. And you gotta do everything like they did back then.
Homer_Simpson: 1895, forget it. We'd be too late to save Lincoln and too early to save Kennedy.
Moe_Szyslak: You could save McKinley.
Homer_Simpson: It's not a time machine, Moe.


Carl_Carlson: Say, Bob, how come you were never able to kill Bart?
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, a kid should be real simple to kill.
Lenny_Leonard: I'd just come up behind him with a knife and slit his throat real quick-like.
Homer_Simpson: Guys, Bob is my only hope. Back off and give him some room to think.
Sideshow_Bob: Homer, if I could write Haikus while skinheads beat me with soap, I can concentrate anywhere.


Lenny_Leonard: Gee Homer, you sure look sad.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, at least you ain't aging six years for every one 'cause of your cow heart.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, my daughter hates me because I don't know anything about her.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, well, whenever I gotta know something about a broad, I use this guy.
Moe_Szyslak: This detective is unbelievable. He can learn more about a chick by digging through one garbage can than you could from years of intimacy.
Carl_Carlson: He found out who was cobbling shoes for me at night. Turns out I have severe schizophrenia.
Homer_Simpson: Well... if hiring this guy will make Lisa like me again, then I'll do it! Can I get this beer to go?
Moe_Szyslak: Sure. Maybe some day I'll turn into a swan.
Moe_Szyslak: (SIGH) Oh, God.


Marge_Simpson: So then I pop my delts, clench and bam! Not a dry eye in the house.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, I'm so proud of you, honey. You bulked up, but managed to keep your femininity.
Marge_Simpson: (FIERCE) And that's why I didn't win!
Homer_Simpson: Sorry, sir, sorry.
Marge_Simpson: Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna up my glyco-load, use a denser ripping gel...
Homer_Simpson: (FRIGHTENED) Denser?!
Marge_Simpson: Damn straight, I didn't sacrifice my period for second place!
Lenny_Leonard: (AWKWARD CHUCKLE) I hear that.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, listen Marge, how can I put this delicately? I don't got enough booze in this place to make you look good.
Marge_Simpson: Maybe death will stop your yammering!
Moe_Szyslak: Marge, easy!
Lenny_Leonard: Everyone pile on Homer's wife!
Disco_Stu: (INSIDE JUKEBOX) Disco Stu should have Disco Ducked.


Homer_Simpson: I gave Mr. Burns the best years of my life. And how much respect does he give me?
Lenny_Leonard: Slim to bupkus.
Moe_Szyslak: Who's this Burns guy? Somebody you work with?
Homer_Simpson: (PERPLEXED) Moe, we've been complaining about him every night for eight years.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, if this guy's ridin' your rump, why don't you slap him some payback?
Homer_Simpson: Revenge? On Mr. Burns?
Lenny_Leonard: Yeah, send him magazine subscriptions he don't want.
Moe_Szyslak: Or give him some face time with sweet lady brick. (CHUCKLES)
Homer_Simpson: No, I think this calls for something a little more cerebral.


Moe_Szyslak: Okay you filthy booze-bags, it's two a.m. So uh, who's the designated driver?
Lenny_Leonard: It was Andy.
Moe_Szyslak: (VICTORIOUS CHUCKLE) No one's ever won Moe's "Drink A Gallon Of Gin Challenge." And no one ever will.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, life is good.
Lenny_Leonard: Hey, what happened? It's bright in the middle of the night.
Carl_Carlson: You know what this reminds me of? My Icelandic boyhood.
Homer_Simpson: It's this new anti-crime dealie. The mayor turned the streetlights way up. My daughter Lisa feels really strongly about it.
Lenny_Leonard: Pro or con?
Homer_Simpson: I'unno. What am I, Superdad?


Young_Moe: Welcome to Moe's. Home of the finest bar crystal in Springfield.
Young_Moe: I shouldn't have cheaped out on the shelf.
Homer_Simpson: I can't believe how young we looked... in my memory.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, there's writing on the back of this.
Homer_Simpson: (READING) "Dear Homer, I can't believe you're making this the worst night of my life." (VERY PUZZLED NOISE)
Paramedic: Young man, you've ingested a dangerous amount of alcohol.
Homer_Simpson: (DEFIANTLY) The only dangerous amount is none!
Homer_Simpson: Let's go to IHOP! I'm drivin'.
Homer_Simpson: Okay, Burger King! Whatever! C'mon.
Homer_Simpson: (ABSENTMINDEDLY GOING THROUGH BOX) Why did she stay with me if she hated me so much? Hey, two days later she had a doctor's appointment.
Young_Marge: You leave me sitting here all alone...
Young_Marge: (WRITING) ...while you play video games with your Neanderthal friends.
Young_Marge: Why don't you just stop playing?
Young_Marge: Homer, I really don't want to feed you.
Young_Marge: (UPSET) Video games and too much beer. You sure know how to show a girl a good time.
Young_Marge: Tonight I learned the two of us can't work.
Marge_Simpson: James Taylor. Homie, remember that song we used to sing?
Marge_Simpson: (SINGS) MOCK...
Homer_Simpson: (FLATLY) Yeah.
Marge_Simpson: (SINGS) ING...
Homer_Simpson: (FLATLY) Yeah.
Marge_Simpson: (SINGS) BIRD...
Homer_Simpson: (FLATLY) Whatever.
Marge_Simpson: Homie, what's wrong?
Homer_Simpson: (TENTATIVE) Marge... did I ruin your life?
Marge_Simpson: Oh, is this about that billboard my sisters put up?
Homer_Simpson: No, the voters will decide that in November. I was talking about this.
Marge_Simpson: Huh?
Marge_Simpson: (BUSTED) Oh my God, I forgot all about this. Where did you find it?
Homer_Simpson: More like, where didn't I find it. It was practically everywhere.
Marge_Simpson: Homer, I'm sorry you saw that, but I was very upset that night.
Homer_Simpson: Quit changing the subject. How do you feel about me right now?
Marge_Simpson: Well, I love you, of course. But a lot of things you do still drive me crazy.
Homer_Simpson: So you mean our whole marriage you've just been resenting me behind my back?
Marge_Simpson: A little bit, yeah.
Homer_Simpson: Fine. I'll go sleep with someone who does appreciate me.
Homer_Simpson: You know, Moe, I was just thinking. My problems with Marge started because I drink too much. And then tonight alcohol only made things worse. Maybe all of my problems are actually caused by...
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take your medicine, ya lush ya.


Carl_Carlson: (SHOUT) F-L-A-N-R-D-S!
Homer_Simpson: (SINGS) HE'S THE MAN THAT I HATE BEST / I'D LIKE TO SEE HIS HOUSE GO UP IN FLAME!
David_Byrne: Excuse me, I've been researching indigenous folk music of Springfield, and I couldn't help overhearing your delightfully cruel hate song.
Carl_Carlson: (AMAZED) David Byrne?!
Moe_Szyslak: (AMAZED) Singer, artist, composer, director, Talking Head...
David_Byrne: And, I used to wrestle under the name "El Diablo."
Lenny_Leonard: I thought that was Philip Glass.
David_Byrne: Yeah, he wishes.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, Mister? If you like my song so much, would you like to buy a tape? (SELLING) It's already rewound.
David_Byrne: No thanks. But I would like to sing it with you and produce it.
Homer_Simpson: (ROLLS EYES, ANNOYED) Fine.


Moe_Szyslak: Our little hero sure likes Kahlua and Cream.
Homer_Simpson: Quit following me, you coward!
Moe_Szyslak: You heard 'im, fleabag. Get outta my bar, you're unsanitary.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, how precious. The cat's sittin' in my dinner.
Moe_Szyslak: No, no, don't get up, sweetheart. I'll just, I'll just pick around you. There we go.


Moe_Szyslak: I don't think he's here... hang on, let me check.
Moe_Szyslak: Nope. (SHORT BEAT) Whatcha wearin'?
Homer_Simpson: I did it. I walked all the way to Moe's from my house.
Bart_Simpson: Way to go, Dad!
Homer_Simpson: You know, I feel pretty good. Maybe I should just keep walking instead of going into a dark, dreary bar.
Moe_Szyslak: Get in here, boozy. You're late for your drunkening.
Homer_Simpson: No. From now on, walking is my beer. And feeling good is my hangover.
Moe_Szyslak: Huh. Hey maybe this is a sign. Maybe it's time for me to get out of the alcohol business. Give barber college another try -- and this time I won't join a frat.
Moe_Szyslak: Who the hell am I talkin' to?
Lisa_Simpson: You know what Mom really loves? Julienne potatoes. And for dessert, peach crumble.
Moe_Szyslak: You wanna know how to make a peach crumble? Kick it in the groin. Ha, anyway, what's goin' on?
Homer_Simpson: I'm gonna treat Marge to a romantic dinner, to make up for all my shortcomings.
Lenny_Leonard: Hey, Homer. If you're havin' a banquet for Marge, I'd like to help.
Carl_Carlson: Hey, me too. I could whip up my famous poulet au vin avec champignons à la Carl. (HE KISSES HIS HAND)
Homer_Simpson: You can bring a bag of ice.


Moe_Szyslak: That's odd. It's eleven fifteen in the morning and the bar is empty.
Kent_Brockman: I'm live at Springfield Botanical Gardens, where we're minutes away from the blossoming of the Sumatran Century Flower, which only occurs once every hundred years.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, those are my customers-slash-only friends! Where are they getting their beer?
Moe_Szyslak: A cooler! I've been replaced by a cooler!
Moe_Szyslak: And who could blame 'em?
Moe_Szyslak: Eh, no point in mopin' around. I might as well join 'em and have a jolly old time.
Moe_Szyslak: Better set the alarm.
Lenny_Leonard: You still got us, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: You guys mind if I uh... kiss your tummies?
Moe_Szyslak: Boy, I'm like a mess here. I feel so lonely without that kid.
Elves: (SING) TOYS AND CAKES AND PETS AND BROTHERHOOD...
Moe_Szyslak: (SOBS) It's our song.


Moe_Szyslak: (SIGH) If I knew this would take so long, I'd'a put on the TV.
Delivery_Boy: Pizza!
Moe_Szyslak: Y'money's on the counter. No tip.
Delivery_Boy: You miserable bastard.
Moe_Szyslak: That's why I'm up here.


Homer_Simpson: (PROUDLY) Hey guys, I brought my Mom.
Mona_Simpson: Lenny Leonard? I haven't seen you since you were this high.
Carl_Carlson: (COMPETITIVE) I can jump off the high dive!
Mona_Simpson: (WARMLY) Carl Carlson, I remember when you, Lenny and Stevie MacGregor were like the Three Musketeers.
Carl_Carlson: (SADLY) Yeah, poor Stevie. They never found his head.
Moe_Szyslak: (ACCUSING) Mrs. Simpson, when you took off, you left a hole in Homer's heart that he's been trying to fill with alcohol for twenty years... (THEN WARMLY) God bless ya.


Homer_Simpson: To old man Burns, who's paying us to drink because we're embarrassing!
Carl_Carlson: (TOASTING) We suck!
Homer_Simpson: (WOOZY) A lot of that went in my lungs.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Attention American bar devils: it's our anniversary! Free drinks for everyone!
Homer_Simpson: That's great. I'm honored to drink to Apu and, uh... Apulina.
Homer_Simpson: You know, Marge and I have an anniversary coming up.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: I have given Manjula many gifts, including a bouquet of flowers, diamond earrings, and we're going to see Paris... Hilton. In Paris... Texas. On our way to Paris, France.
Manjula_Nahasapeemapetilon: What did you plan to get your wife, Homer?
Homer_Simpson: (SHEEPISH) These charity address labels that came in the mail.
Homer_Simpson: (DRUNK) I don't wanna go home! I'm not done talking to me!
Moe_Szyslak: Just get out this door, rummy, and you're the city's problem. If you make it through the night, you're welcome back.
Homer_Simpson: Home sweet home. Now to watch some TV.
Society_Matron: Oh, you poor soul. You think that rat is a remote.
Homer_Simpson: Five bucks? I don't need your sharity! I'll dance for my money!
Woman_Bystander: Oh you poor man, you think you can dance.
Woman_Bystander: I didn't say stop!


Homer_Simpson: Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff.
Aristotle: Hello, handsome!
Artie_Ziff: Hello... (UNDER BREATH) losers.
Lenny_Leonard: Okay, read 'em and weep.
Artie_Ziff: I don't know why I'm losing. Maybe I have some kind of "tell." (LOOKS AT CARDS) Hot mamma, I'm livin' in flush-town, (JUMPS ON TABLE) population Artie!
Artie_Ziff: (NONCHALANT) I guess I'm in for fifty cents.
Barney_Gumble: I fold. / Me too. / I'm out. / I'm done.
Homer_Simpson: (CONFIDENT) I'll see your fifty cents and raise you one dollar.
Artie_Ziff: Well, I'm out of cash. But would you accept ninety-eight per cent of the outstanding shares of ZiffCorp stock?
Homer_Simpson: And the peanuts in your mouth.
Artie_Ziff: Very well.
Artie_Ziff: (LOUD) Achem!
Homer_Simpson: All of them.
Artie_Ziff: (NOT SO LOUD) Achem!
Artie_Ziff: Flush. What have you got?
Homer_Simpson: Four jacks.
Homer_Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Check it out! I own a multi-national corporation. (CHUCKLES) I always knew some day I'd be a C.O.D.
Sec_Agent_#1: Freeze! Securities and Exchange Commission!
Sec_Agent_#2: Artie Ziff, you're wanted for stock manipulation and securities fraud.
Sec_Agent_#1: (MACHO) It's scum like you that undermine investor confidence.
Homer_Simpson: Investor confidence? Perhaps this affects me -- I own two hundred and thirty million shares of ZiffCorp stock.
Sec_Agent_#1: You're the majority shareholder?
Homer_Simpson: (UPBEAT) I sure am -- with all the inherent legal liability.
Sec_Agent_#2: You're under arrest!
Moe_Szyslak: Wait a minute. How can you arrest Homer? (POINTS TO ARTIE) This guy's the one what done the thing that why you're here for. I'm talkin' malfeasance here.
Artie_Ziff: (SINCERE) All right, I admit it. I did run ZiffCorp into the ground. (PUTS ARM AROUND HOMER) Then this man took me into his home when no one else would. And now, as a result of his brilliant card playing (QUICKLY) he's the one you want! Tape his mouth so he can't deny it!
Homer_Simpson: (DISTRAUGHT) Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail! Tell them I've joined the Blue Man Group! I'm the fat one!
Moe_Szyslak: Well, well look who showed his face. The louse who sold out his only friend. You've got a lot of nerve comin' here... (FRIENDLY) but since you did, what'll it be? First one's on the house.
Patty_Bouvier: Is this dump open? We were jogging and we ran out of cigarettes.
Artie_Ziff: Pardon me for intruding, but I believe teenage girls shouldn't smoke.
Selma_Bouvier: Are you still livin' with Marge?
Artie_Ziff: No. She kicked me out for sending her husband to prison.
Selma_Bouvier: You put Homer in jail? (SWOONING) The hair is standing up on the back of my knees.
Patty_Bouvier: Keep your Odor Eaters on, Selma. I've seen you get hurt too many times.
Selma_Bouvier: I'm not gonna let him into my heart, or my bedroom. Just ten minutes on the beanbag. C'mon, Short Round. We're goin' back to my Temple of Doom.
Artie_Ziff: Be gentle!
Moe_Szyslak: (HOPEFUL) You know, they say that the love of a good woman can save any man.
Patty_Bouvier: Except you, freak.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, if you change your mind, you know where I am.
Patty_Bouvier: In my nightmares.
Moe_Szyslak: I'm gonna stop now.


Homer_Simpson: Two glasses of wine, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Wine? Jeez. No one ever orders that. Umm...
Moe_Szyslak: All I got is this old stuff here. (READING LABEL, CONTEMPTUOUS) Chateau Latour -- eighteen eighty-six? Oh, I should just throw this out.
Marge_Simpson: No, it'll have to do.
Moe_Szyslak: That'll be four bucks.
Moe_Szyslak: Now, in a step I perhaps should have taken initially, let me look up the value of that bottle in this wine collector's guide.
Moe_Szyslak: (SOBS) Oh, what have I done? Lemme dry my tears with this lost Shakespeare play.
Moe_Szyslak: Where's your wife tonight, Homer?
Homer_Simpson: She's not coming anymore.
Moe_Szyslak: What? It's 'cause of her I put in a bidet. Well, it's actually just a step ladder by the water fountain.
Homer_Simpson: Listen, Moe. I did something really terrible to someone I love.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, look. I've been in the bartender business for a long time alright, I've heard it all.
Homer_Simpson: Well, what I did was...
Moe_Szyslak: (SHOCKED) What are you? You're like a monster! That's like the worst thing I ever heard anybody do to anybody. You should be drinkin' watered-down beer in-in-in a chipped glass, on a stool with a nail sticking up.
Homer_Simpson: (SOBS) Can I have some peanuts?
Moe_Szyslak: All right, but I get to poke you with a stick.
Moe_Szyslak: (WHILE POKING, FRIENDLY) So, hey, did you see the game last night?


Seymour_Skinner: Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Would you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?
Homer_Simpson: Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun.
Seymour_Skinner: Who are all of you people?
Carl_Carlson: We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kids' principal, have a beer!
Seymour_Skinner: I can't -- I might be called upon to give directions later.
Gary_Chalmers: Skinner!
Gary_Chalmers: You were asked to chug-a-lug. And a-lug you shall chug!
Seymour_Skinner: (BOOZY) There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time. (SUDDENLY NEEDY) Am I a good principal?
Gary_Chalmers: (KINDLY) You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.
Seymour_Skinner: (BOISTEROUS DRUNK) You know I wish I had an exciting life... like that class picture photographer. Ho, how many women has he had in that van? Two, that I know of.
Moe_Szyslak: Let's kick this up a notch and get you some wiggle in your lap.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh yeah.
Seymour_Skinner: No. Absolutely no friction dancing!
Barney_Gumble: Aw, c'mon. What're you, Killjoy!
Lenny_Leonard: Wussy!
Carl_Carlson: Grinch.
Homer_Simpson: (CONSOLING) Hey, take it easy on Skinner. He's just down 'cause after tomorrow, everything he does is wrong.
Carl_Carlson: Aw, marriage is gonna be great. Now you'll have someone who'll rub your back... without being asked.
Lenny_Leonard: (SHAKING HEAD) Not this again.
Carl_Carlson: Yes, this again!
Seymour_Skinner: You know, Homer, Edna was bugging me and bugging me to set a date, and I picked one that seemed far away, and it zoomed up like a junebug flying in my windshield.
Homer_Simpson: What are you trying to tell me, Skinner?
Seymour_Skinner: Homer, Lenny...my man... I could never lie to you guys. I'm starting to get cold feet. Please don't tell anyone.
Homer_Simpson: (MEANINGFUL) Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.
Homer_Simpson: Marge, guess what! Skinner wants to bail on his wedding!
Seymour_Skinner: Homer, you're still talking to me!
Homer_Simpson: (SHEEPISH) Oh man, is this awkward. I'm outta here.
Seymour_Skinner: Oh God, I've lost the love of my life. Bart's right, I am a wiener.
Moe_Szyslak: Geez, Homer, this guy is bringin' the whole bar down. I finally got Barney back on the sauce. If he doesn't have fun, he could easily slip right back into sobriety.
Barney_Gumble: Don't worry. If I feel the urge to sober up, I just talk to my sponsor.
White_Rabbit: (PETER LORRE VOICE) Drink or I'll die.
Homer_Simpson: Wait a minute. I thought you didn't wanna get married.
Seymour_Skinner: That was before I missed her smell, her warmth, her beautiful, beautiful penmanship!
Homer_Simpson: Don't worry, Principal Skinner.
Seymour_Skinner: Seymour.
Homer_Simpson: Really? Boy, it sucks to be you. Anyhoo, if there's one thing I know, it's how to win back a furious woman. We'll go to her house, and I'll whisper to you exactly what to say.
Seymour_Skinner: Really? You'll be my Cyrano?
Homer_Simpson: Hey, if we get your girlfriend back I won't have to.


Homer_Simpson: Hey, guys.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, cold shoulder, huh? Well, I'll just talk to myself. (LOW VOICE) Hey, how ya doin', Homer? (HOMER'S VOICE) Oh, not too bad, how about you? (LOW VOICE) Oh I'm fine. Your wife was great in bed last night. (HOMER'S VOICE) You keep your hands off my wife! (LOW VOICE) Oh yeah? Well I give her what she needs. And she likes...
Homer_Simpson: Oh, Homer, stop it!
Moe_Szyslak: Homer... this bar's only for real Americans. And people on permanent visas, like me. What? What are you all lookin' at? I'm Dutch. Eh, forget all of you.
Lenny_Leonard: I'm leavin', too. I'm gonna go listen to the President's weekly radio address. And not the rebuttal!
Carl_Carlson: Goodbye, Homer. I can't get drunk and vomit next to a guy I don't respect.
Homer_Simpson: (SOBS) Even my best friends have left me! I'm all alone!


Lenny_Leonard: Huh, maybe Burns ain't so great.
Carl_Carlson: This little girl has given us a lot to mull.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey, ya mugs. Thinkin' ain't drinkin'!


Homer_Simpson: Why did I ever have kids? I could have written symphonies, or been Shakespeare. (MOANS)
Moe_Szyslak: Here, Homer. Have a big frosty mug of Fuhgetaboutit.
Man: (TOUGH GUY) I wouldn't drink that. From the looks of this place, it might kill you.
Homer_Simpson: (SARCASTIC) Oh, who are you, the health inspector?
Man: Yes!
Health_Inspector: (DISGUSTED) My God, look at this filth. I oughta close this dump down for good!
Health_Inspector: (SUDDENLY SMILING) But then where would I go to get away from my wife! C'mere, Moe, you beautiful, hideous troll!
Moe_Szyslak: (LAUGHING) Guys, this is Frankie from the Health Department. We go way back. Lenny, you don't have to hide that rat.
Lenny_Leonard: Off you go, little fella.
Moe_Szyslak: When we were kids, our dads used to get drunk and make us fight each other.
Health_Inspector: My Pop would buy me a malted for every tooth of Moe's I knocked out.
Moe_Szyslak: That time you blinded me, he gave you a bike. (FONDLY) That sure was a good soundin' bike...
Health_Inspector: Well, now to give this place a "thorough inspection." (WINKS)
Health_Inspector: Free from infestation, check... Sanitary utensils...
Health_Inspector: Check. Food hygienically stored -- only one way to find out.
Moe_Szyslak: (STUNNED) Oh my God, he's dead.
Chief_Wiggum: Okay, which one of you guys parked in front of the hydrant?
Chief_Wiggum: (SCARED) Uh, look, I didn't see nothin' here, okay? (UNEASY CHUCKLE) Just a bunch of innocent guys, sitting around, none of them dead. Buy yourselves a nice dinner.
New_Health_Inspector: (DISAPPROVING) Uh-huh... Uh-huh... (BIG EXHALE)
Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, Mr. New Guy. Whaddya think? Is everything... hunky dory there?
New_Health_Inspector: Mr. Szyslak, your tavern is rife with Health Code violations.
Moe_Szyslak: (NERVOUS) You gotta be kiddin' me. Like what?
New_Health_Inspector: For starters, the body of my predecessor is still on the floor.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh yeah. Uh well, ya see, uh trash day ain't 'til Wednesday... (AWKWARD LAUGH)
New_Health_Inspector: Chicken skins in soap dispenser... cigarette butts in the air... toilet on the roof... I'm shutting you down till you fix these violations.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh man, I can't afford to fix all that stuff.
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, nuts. If anybody needs me, I'll be in the john.
Barney_Gumble: O DANNY BOY, THE PIPES THE PIPES ARE CALLING / FROM GLEN TO GLEN AND DOWN THE MOUNTAIN SIDE / THE SUMMER'S GONE AND ALL THE ROSES FALLING / 'TIS YOU, 'TIS YOU MUST GO, AND I MUST BIDE.
Homer_Simpson: Moe's, a tribute. "M" is for Moe, the owner of Moe's. "O" is for the "O" in the middle of Moe's. "E" is for acceptance. The feeling I always got here at Moe's. (BREAKING DOWN) Oh Moe, don't let 'em close you down!
Moe_Szyslak: It's too late -- I don't got the cash to clean up the bar. From now on, you guys are gonna hafta do your drinking across the street.
Carl_Carlson: (SHRUGS) Hey, a beer's a beer.
Homer_Simpson: I can't go to a gay bar, I'm too fat! Moe, I'm gonna help you reopen your bar no matter what it takes.
Homer_Simpson: (CRESTFALLEN) ... Marge?
Moe_Szyslak: Thanks, Homer. No one's ever trusted me before -- except for that one guy who shouldn't have.
Homer_Simpson: That was me.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh yeah.
Marge_Simpson: Until you pay us back, you're answering to me! And there's gonna be big changes.
Moe_Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, whoa, now wait just a minute. One thing Moe Szyslak has never had is a partner. Nor a wife, a friend, a chum, a casual acquaintance, a pen pal, a parrot, a meaningful conversation, a brief hug or eye contact.
Moe_Szyslak: I'm just going to call the suicide hotline now. (DIALS) And they've blocked my number! Oh God! (SOBS)
Homer_Simpson: Boy, I can't wait to get my lips around an ice cold...
Marge_Simpson: I'm here protecting our investment. I'd like you to go home and make dinner for the kids.
Homer_Simpson: But I don't wanna take care of the kids... (GETTING IDEA, THEN PLAYING DUMB) Um... how many cigars are they allowed to have? Bart sleeps in the microwave, right?
Marge_Simpson: Quit playing dumb.
Homer_Simpson: How many magic beans should I sell the baby for? Three? (STUPIDLY) Duh, der, duh. That's me, jerk-ass Homer. Duh, der, doy.
Marge_Simpson: Come on, go home.
Marge_Simpson: Maybe some cheerier paint would make this place less of a (AIR QUOTES) "dive."
Moe_Szyslak: Marge, my customers don't like themselves. Therefore, they seek the darkness.
Marge_Simpson: (TACTFUL) Well... as fabulous as your regulars are, a remodel might bring in a higher class of lush.
Moe_Szyslak: Look, I like Moe's the way it is, all right? And I ain't changin' it for any dame, skirt, Susie-Q, or face-macer.
Marge_Simpson: I had a feeling you'd say that. (STAGY) So I prepared something that might help you "change your tune."
Marge_Simpson: (SINGING) THIS PLACE IS A DIAMOND / BUT IT'S TRAPPED IN THE ROUGH
Moe_Szyslak: (SINGING, POINTS) YEAH WELL THE SIGN STILL SAYS "MOE'S" / SO ENOUGH OF YOUR GUFF
Marge_Simpson: HERE'S MY NEW IDEA TO SELL BOTH BEER AND GRUB / WE WILL TURN THIS FILTHY DIVE INTO A PROPER OLD-TIME BRITISH PUB!
Moe_Szyslak: A British whaaa?
Lisa_Simpson: ("RULE BRITANNIA") DARTS AND MEATPIES, AND LAGER IN PINT GLASSES
Lisa_Simpson: WHAT A CLASSY WAY TO GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASSES
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hold the phone. An English Pub, that just might work.
Carl_Carlson: (SINGING) IN SO-NG!
Moe_Szyslak: Uh... (AD LIB SINGING) MY BAR COULD BE BRITISH / INSTEAD OF ARM-PITTISH / SO WHY DON'T WE ALL (SPOKEN) Eh, screw it.
Moe_Szyslak: Let's get renovatin'.
Marge_Simpson: Well, I was thinking more like drapes and a paint job, but your idea's good too.
Moe_Szyslak: Thanks.
Judge_Snyder: (HANDS GLASS TO LINDSAY NAEGLE) Pint of ale, my dear?
Lindsay_Naegle: Well thank you, your honor. You know, you're kind of sexy.
Judge_Snyder: That's a deliberate mis-statement of fact. (SMILING) But I'll allow it.
Moe_Szyslak: (IMPRESSED) My first credit card! (FEELING CARD, AMAZED) Wow, the numbers are all bumpy-like.


Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey, hey. No outside suds!
Homer_Simpson: I'm sorry, Moe. Marge won't let me spend any money -- even counterfeit money!


Homer_Simpson: (TO CAT) I won't tell if you don't tell.


Homer_Simpson: Hey Moe, hey Moe-clone.
Moe_Szyslak: Hiya Homer. / Hi Homer.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey, hey! I don't pay you to socialize.
MOE-CLONE: (SARCASTIC) Oh right. You're the people person.
Moe_Szyslak: Watch it with the attitude, Mister. You came from my back fat!
Homer_Simpson: Boy, I think I see my two favorite letters of the alphabet. E-Z.
Moe_Szyslak: You moron! (SIGHS) Why did I ever think I needed a clone?
MOE-CLONE: Hey, I'm not the clone, you're the clone!
Moe_Szyslak: Oh please, not this again.
Homer_Simpson: Son, say hello to Edna.
Homer_Simpson: (AWKWARD CHUCKLE) Oopsie.
Edna_Krabappel-Flanders: ("WHY NOT?") Want it to get weirder?
Edna_Krabappel-Flanders: (SWEETLY) Good call, Bart. We can both do better.


Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey, hey, no enjoyin' it!


Homer_Simpson: Ah... this is heaven. (SIPS BEER)


Homer_Simpson: (MOANS) They're shooting an adult film at my house tomorrow. How am I gonna get rid of Marge and the kids?
Moe_Szyslak: Well, I got these free tickets to Santa's Village. I know a guy who turns the dead sleigh-horses into jerky and sells it to bars...
Homer_Simpson: Thanks, Moe!


Carl_Carlson: Don't do that... that hurts. Careful, careful.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, what's the big idea of getting trapped under that thing?
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, long story. Uh, we were trying to impress some girls -- and things kinda got away from us.
Lenny_Leonard: Just for the record, I regret nothin'.
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, how'd your right arm get so strong?
Homer_Simpson: Just liftin' this dumbbell.
Homer_Simpson: Forty-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine... fifty thousand!
Homer_Simpson: I'm pretty happy with this baby, now it's lefty's turn.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh no you don't! I just got an idea.
Homer_Simpson: Wha? Hey, you...
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, here comes our victim. Let's bash his head in.
Lenny_Leonard: Hey Moe, I thought you were just gonna hustle him.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, right. I was thinking of another thing I got goin'.
The_Rich_Texan: Gimme a bottle of bourbon!
The_Rich_Texan: I got a new liver, and I'm breakin' it in.
Homer_Simpson: (NERD VOICE) Excuse me, Mr. Bartender sir, may I have a sugar-free ginger ale? And uh, make it flat -- the bubbles burn my buds.
The_Rich_Texan: Goldarnit, son! What the Hell kinda sissy are you?
Moe_Szyslak: (RE: HOMER) Hey, are you callin' my life-partner a sissy? 'Cause a hundred bucks says he could whup you in arm wrestling.
The_Rich_Texan: A "Texas penny" it is. Yee-ha!
The_Rich_Texan: Gol-dangit -- I've been played like a dimwit's kazoo!
Moe_Szyslak: Yes! Homer, we make a dynamite team, huh? With your arm, (TAPS OWN FOREHEAD) and my head-gunk, we're goin' right to the top! (HEARS GUN COCKING NOISE) Whoa.
The_Rich_Texan: This is one Texan who don't like when he's made out to be a fool.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, uh... what do you like?
The_Rich_Texan: I dunno... a good book... long walk on the beach...


Moe_Szyslak: (HAPPILY SINGING TO "HERE COMES THE BRIDE") HERE COMES THE MOE / WITH A PRETTY GIRL / 'CAUSE THESE ARE THINGS THAT HAPPENED / IN RE-AL LIFE
Barney_Gumble: Hey Moe, can we get a drink?
Moe_Szyslak: Shut up and hand me more Moe-heads.
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, you're doin' great. You're way ahead in the polls... even those negative campaign ads aren't hurting you.
Waylon_Smithers: Simpson barely even comes into work anymore. He pays a homeless man to do it for him.
Bum: (TO DOG) I, um, I don't feel so good, Blue.
Homer_Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Hey, people may not love Homer Simpson, but they love this suit. (CHUCKLES) Just like they love their stupid American flag.


Moe_Szyslak: Okay, time for my annual holiday tradition...attempting to kill myself. (SMALL SOB)
Moe_Szyslak: What's it say?


Carl_Carlson: (SINCERE) See ya soon, Homer. We got someone else comin' in.
Seymour_Skinner: This is W-A-3-Q-I-ZED. Do you read me?
Agnes_Skinner: Seymour! Isn't it about time you made a real friend?
Agnes_Skinner: (QUIETLY, TO SKINNER) How do I talk? Push this button here? (VERY LOUD) You're all losers!
Homer_Simpson: Oh, which way did Mason go? That must be him over there.


Moe_Szyslak: Gentlemen, the moment has finally arrived.
Moe_Szyslak: I'm rentin' a party bus and takin' all you regulars to Las Vegas.
Lenny_Leonard: Nevada?!
Moe_Szyslak: That's right.
Carl_Carlson: Moe, why you bein' so generous? You're usually so stingy and rat-like.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, well, ya remember that time I tried to hang myself and the rope broke? Well, I sued the rope company and got a huge settlement... and a new rope!
Carl_Carlson: Hey, nice rope.
Lenny_Leonard: (ADMIRING) You could hang a cow with that thing!
Lenny_Leonard: Hey, check it out -- I made it partially risqué.
Homer_Simpson: Hey guys, I have to put the boy on a plane to soul-crushing camp, then I'll be back to go to Vegas!
Bart_Simpson: (PLEADING) Dad, if you take me to Vegas, I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.
Homer_Simpson: Boy, you don't need to cheat when you got a system.
Bart_Simpson: What's your system?
Homer_Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) I don't tell your mother how much I've lost.
Carl_Carlson: Aw dang, Homer ain't comin'.
Nelson_Muntz: Haw haw!
Carl_Carlson: And Nelson saw somethin' funny.


Lenny_Leonard: Gee, Homer, if those blue pants mean that much to you, they must be the greatest.
Carl_Carlson: I'm gettin' two pair today!
Moe_Szyslak: I don't get this. This guy paints his noggin and you guys are ready to buy pants. Meanwhile, I been payin' for that billboard outside for a year now, and it's not yieldin' nothin'!
Moe_Recording: You don't have to look at me. You don't have to look at me.
Woman: (IMPRESSED) Well, he does have billboard money. Talking billboard money.
Woman: (DISGUSTED) Ew... (THEN, CONSIDERING:) But he might be right for my friend.


Lenny_Leonard: Hey bar-boy, this table's wobbly. Come jam your foot under it.
Carl_Carlson: Hey bar-boy, write a play where I meet Henry Ford and Captain Kirk.
Homer_Simpson: Hey bar-boy, dance around like an idiot. Like this!
Homer_Simpson: (CHANTING) I'm-so-stupid! I'm-so-stupid!
C._Montgomery_Burns: I'm a little busy. Can I do it later?
Homer_Simpson: (STILL DANCING) Sure! (LAUGHS) You're gonna be all "I'm-so-stupid! I'm-so-stupid! I'm-so-stupid!" (ETC.)
Lenny_Leonard: Burns sure will look like a jerk later!
C._Montgomery_Burns: At five-fifteen an hour, it would take an eternity to make my fortune back -- and FICA wasn't helping.
C._Montgomery_Burns: But then, for once in my life, things went my way.
C._Montgomery_Burns: I steamed the letter open with Moe's cappuccino machine.
Moe_Szyslak: If you're reading this, I am dead, and you are about to learn the story of my treasure.
C._Montgomery_Burns: Treasure?!
Moe_Szyslak: -ry of Moe's treasure. Top of Form
Moe_Szyslak: It was the first day of summer...
Moe_Szyslak: I knew that in order to win her love, I needed to get rid of the human garbage otherwise known as my best friends.
Moe_Szyslak: Barney, how do you keep gettin' back in?
Barney_Gumble: I'm a drunk. I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.
Moe_Szyslak: I had to get Edna out of Springfield -- make a fresh start in a new town, far away. A place where we can play bridge with our neighbors. And if they're interested in wife-swapping, who am I to say no? I'm just the new guy.
Moe_Szyslak: But where would I get the money to start a new life? And then, opportunity strolled right in the door...
Snake_Jailbird: Yes, hello. I need directions to the Springfield Natural History Museum. I totally have a donation for them.
Moe_Szyslak: (À LA JERRY LEWIS) Coins money gold!
Moe_Szyslak: See, this was back before Snake became a notorious jailbird, when he was an idealistic, law-abiding young archaeologist.
Snake_Jailbird: I was, like, excavating this Mayan pyramid and I totally unearth these gold coins and I'm all like "could you be any more pre-Columbian?"
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, you can't donate that gold to the museum today, 'cause um... uh it's closed, so they can clean under the wangs on the statues.
Snake_Jailbird: Uh, well no problem. I'll just spend the night in that motel across the street.
Moe_Szyslak: Love had handed me an awful dilemma. Should I rob this guy or rob him and kill him?
Moe_Szyslak: If I couldn't spend the treasure on Edner, I didn't want to spend it. I just sat there playin' our song on the jukebox. One gold--
C._Montgomery_Burns: (READING) "...coin at a time."
C._Montgomery_Burns: Oh, you poor man. (SINISTER) You're about to get a lot poorer.
The_Rich_Texan: Okay, I'll take your gold, and give you back all of your worldly possessions, 'ceptin' your nucular plant. You don't get that back till you bring me a photo of yourself with a smiling child.
C._Montgomery_Burns: (EXASPERATED NOISE) What the hell could that mean to you?
The_Rich_Texan: I'm obsessive-compulsive! (SHOOTS GUNS) Yee-haw! (QUICKLY) One, two, three, four. Yee-haw! (QUICKLY) One, two, three, four. Yee-haw! (QUICKLY) One, two, three, four.


Lenny_Leonard: You know, Moe, that sign is powered by non-American workers.
Moe_Szyslak: So what? (POINTS TO BEER) Your beer's German, and the TV's Japanese (POINTS TO TV).
Carl_Carlson: Well, is there anything in this bar that's made in America?
Moe_Szyslak: Just this.
Moe_Szyslak: (PAINED NOISE, THEN:) God, misfire!


Lenny_Leonard: Homer, I'm proud of you. You've prolonged this celebrity marriage at least through playoff season.
Carl_Carlson: After that, who gives a hobo's crap? Am I right?


Louie: This guy in here owes us money.
Homer_Simpson: (OMINOUS) Leave him to me.
Homer_Simpson: (WHINY) Ow! I hurt my fist and my palm. I thought you guys were lookin' out for me. (WHINY NOISE)
Homer_Simpson: (TOUGH) All right, tap jockey, you owe Fat Tony fifty bucks. Cough it up!
Moe_Szyslak: (SCARED) Look Mister, I-I-I don't got the cash. My clientele -- they're all bums. They never pay!
Homer_Simpson: (TOUGH) Just get the money.
Moe_Szyslak: (TOUGH) Homer, the mob is puttin' the screws on me, see. I ain't gettin' killed 'cause you won't pay your tab. Now give me fifty bucks!
Homer_Simpson: (Scared) Okay. Take it, take it! Just don't hurt me!
Homer_Simpson: (TOUGH) Okay pretty boy, where's Fat Tony's fifty bucks?
Moe_Szyslak: (SCARED) Look, all-all-all I got is twenty-five. I swear! I swear!
Homer_Simpson: (TOUGH) It'll do for now.


Reporter: (PANICKY) Oh, my stars! It's firing a beam of pure energy!
Reporter: It's burning people alive!
Moe_Szyslak: Okay boys, we're under attack! Let's drive 'em out of town the way we did with the Irish!
Barney_Gumble: (OFFENDED) Hey, I'm Irish.
Barney_Gumble: Oh wait, I'm Polish. (DYING NOISE)


Lenny_Leonard: Whatcha doin', Moe? Drawin' a wang on Marmaduke?
Moe_Szyslak: Heck no -- I'm challengin' myself with one of these "Sudoku" games.
Carl_Carlson: What, that Japanese puzzle in which no numeral can be repeated in a row, column, or box?
Moe_Szyslak: (SHOCKED) That's how it works? I was just drawin' wangs on the numbers.
Homer_Simpson: (OUT OF BREATH, DESPERATE) Moe, Moe, you gotta hide us from the Army!
Moe_Szyslak: The Salvation Army? You got it. (COCKS SHOTGUN)
Homer_Simpson: Not that Army, the one from "Stripes!"
Moe_Szyslak: Okay.
Homer_Simpson: Thanks, Moe. How can I ever repay you?
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, some things mean more to me than money...
Colonel: (CALLING DOWN) War game's over, losers!


Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) I sure am looking forward to my birthday fishing trip... Well I'll see ya soon, this is Moe, big day... uh, waitin', feeling uh, kind of fragile... Moe, the birthday boy, listenin' for your car... (SOBS)
Lisa_Simpson: (BURSTS IN) Moe, you're a published author!
Carl_Carlson: (AMAZED) Wow, Just think -- earlier tonight, a newly-published poet cleaned up my barf.
Moe_Szyslak: Moe's Tavern... Who? Where? To what? (MAD) Screw you, snail trail!
Lisa_Simpson: Who was that?
Moe_Szyslak: Eh, some jerk makin' a prank call with a gag name: "Tom Wolfe."
Barney_Gumble: Tom Wolfe?! He wrote "The Right Stuff" and "Bonfire of the Vanities". And coined the phrase "radical chic!"
Moe_Szyslak: Wait, wait, wait -- then that guy wasn't squeezin' my 'roids when he invited me to the Wordloaf Festival in Vermont?
Lisa_Simpson: (THRILLED) The Wordloaf Festival?! You'll meet all the great American writers, Moe! You have to go!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah? Well, okay, all right -- but only if you come, huh?
Moe_Szyslak: I wouldn't-a had none of this without you, kid.
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Hello. Oh hey, Milhouse.
Lisa_Simpson: (QUICKLY) I'm not here.


Homer_Simpson: (SOBBING) Greystash! Greystash!
Moe_Szyslak: Gee, you're really upset about this Greystash thing.
Homer_Simpson: Don't say his name! In your mouth it sounds like dirt!
Lenny_Leonard: Homer, it's just a book.
Homer_Simpson: (UPSET) No man should outlive his fictional wizard! No man! (SOBS)


Moe_Szyslak: What'sa matter, Homer? Do you still miss the UPN?
Homer_Simpson: (GRUMPY) Yeah, but there's something else. There's this loser staying in our house. Marge says she's gonna kick him out, but then she never does.
Carl_Carlson: Well, you can't kick him out, 'cause then Marge will never learn to assert herself.
Homer_Simpson: Well, I guess I'll have to wait for Marge to show some backbone and-- (NOTICES SOMETHING) You again?!
Homer_Simpson: What the hell is this thing?


Carl_Carlson: What is it, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: I just had this awful feeling that uh, Homer's in terrible trouble.
Lenny_Leonard: Oh, that's funny. I just had a feeling that some guy I don't know named Fausto is in trouble.
Moe_Szyslak: Come on, we've gotta go help Homer!
Lenny_Leonard: And Fausto!
Moe_Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, it's really comin' down out there.
Lenny_Leonard: We could run to the car.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, but then we'd have to stand there while we get the doors unlocked.
Lenny_Leonard: Don't you have one of them keys that beeps the doors open?
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, but still...


Moe_Szyslak: What's the matter, Declan? Did a cop give ya a ticket for talkin' like a fruit?
Declan_Desmond: It's the oddest thing: I actually feel affection for these knuckle-dragging sub-monkeys. I feel sorry for Homer Simpson.
Moe_Szyslak: (INCREDULOUS) Whaddaya been sippin' cuckoo juice? Homer's got it made. He's married to one hell of a woman. All I've got is this porn channel I'm too cheap to de-scramble.
Declan_Desmond: (SCRUTINIZING) That's an ad for shoe inserts.
Moe_Szyslak: What the?! I've been writin' creepy letters to that?!
Declan_Desmond: But what you said about Homer it's... it's given me a brilliant idea!
Moe_Szyslak: An action movie where I play the Pope who kills the President?
Declan_Desmond: No, that's a terrible idea.
Moe_Szyslak: (QUICKLY) Yeah, I know, it is stupid. I think it could work, though. I even got a title: "Pontiff No Return". I came up with it, but I don't really get it.


Homer_Simpson: (MOANS) How could my Dad go out with Selma? Don't those two gargoyles know that love is for good-looking young people?
Moe_Szyslak: Well gee, Homer, you uh, ain't exactly open-casket material yourself.
Homer_Simpson: (SOBS) Words hurt, you know.


Moe_Szyslak: Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me.
Homer_Simpson: Listen to 'em. They're on top of the world while I'm sittin' here pretending I have a stool.
Homer_Simpson: (SOUR) All because of a bunch of stuff that happened.
Lenny_Leonard: Homer, don't be so quick to abandon this paparazzo thing.
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, it's an American tradition to cut people down to size because they've brought so much joy into our lives.
Lenny_Leonard: You know who I can't stand? That Robin Williams. Y'know one time I saw him eating dinner with his children, he wouldn't take the time out to do all the funny bits from his movies.
Carl_Carlson: And my sister once saw Burt Reynolds at an airport, and he wouldn't even co-sign her mortgage.
Homer_Simpson: You guys are right -- I should get back in the game. (MOANS) But I threw away my camera.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh here, use this one.
Moe_Szyslak: I was gonna use it to take secret photos in the ladies' turlet. But no dames ever come in this joint!
Homer_Simpson: Thanks, Moe!
Moe_Szyslak: Sure.
Attractive_Woman_#1: Excuse me, do you have a ladies' room?
Attractive_Woman_#2: We need to trade bras and panties!


Moe_Szyslak: What'sa matter, Homer and Bart?
Homer_Simpson: Lisa's mad at me and Marge is mad at him.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, I'm just the bartender here, (POINTS TO HOMER) but it seems to me you could win Lisa back by appealing to her sense of reason. (POINTS TO BART) And you could win your Mom back by appealing to her feelings.
Bart_Simpson: Gee Moe, you give great advice.
Homer_Simpson: (JOKING) Yeah. What have you done with the real Moe?


Moe_Szyslak: Ya know, I think I'll volunteer, too.
Barney_Gumble: Why did you say "too?"
Moe_Szyslak: Well, I assume I'm not the first one.


Moe_Szyslak: (AS DENTIST) Okay, this might hurt a little. (AS PATIENT, COTTON IN MOUTH) No problem.
Moe_Szyslak: (IN PAIN) Oh, sweet mother of Mary!
Homer_Simpson: (WEIRDED-OUT NOISE, THEN:) Okay, Milhouse, what do you want to do?
Milhouse_Van_Houten: Well, the school's having a bake sale.
Homer_Simpson: Ol' Betsy'll get us there.


Homer_Simpson: (RUNS IN) Hey Moe, got any milk?
Moe_Szyslak: It's either milk... or paint.
Homer_Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED) It's paint. Or is it?
Homer_Simpson: Yeah, it's paint.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh. Then I'll have to charge you extra, depending on the color. Uh, stick out your tongue.
Moe_Szyslak: (HOLDING UP STRIPS) Eggshell? No. Malabar ivory? No. Mediterranean ecru? No. Ah, here it is -- white.
Moe_Szyslak: Ooh, that's gonna cost ya.
Homer_Simpson: I've got tow dough I'm lookin' to blow, Moe!
Moe_Szyslak: Huh?
Homer_Simpson: (EXPLAINING) I'm buying a round of the fanciest drink you got.
Moe_Szyslak: Four "Lobster-politans" comin' up!
Carl_Carlson: Here's to Homer and the cars he towed!
Lenny_Leonard: With those jerks out of the way, I was able to park right outside!
Homer_Simpson: (SMELLING BLOOD) Outside? That's a one-hour parking zone -- and you've been here a good eighty-one minutes.
Lenny_Leonard: Correction -- a great eighty-one minutes! 'Cause nothin' beats hangin' around with old friends, drinkin' lobster-based designer drinks and--
Lenny_Leonard: Good joke, Homer! (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) You can unhook my car now.
Carl_Carlson: Uh, looks like he's driving away with it.
Lenny_Leonard: No, he's just moving it so it won't get towed.
Moe_Szyslak: Take that, you tow-talitarian!
Carl_Carlson: Doesn't that joke make light of totalitarians?
Lenny_Leonard: Yeah. Stalin put my grandmother in a forced labor camp for twenty years.
Moe_Szyslak: Look, I was insensitive and I'm sorry. But what this is really about is a bully with a winch.
Mayor_Joe_Quimby: If I'd wanted the laws of this town enforced to the letter, I wouldn't have hired fatty here as police chief.
Chief_Wiggum: (TO RALPH) Hear that, Ralphie? The mayor knows daddy!
Agnes_Skinner: All right, listen up. I know a thing or two about tow-Joes. I married three of 'em, and they're real territorial. Now here's the plan...
Agnes_Skinner: Get in here, Mel. I don't bite. I might gum ya. And you might like it.


Homer_Simpson: Moe, my family's gone, my dog hates me, and I can't remember what happened last night. Was I here?
Moe_Szyslak: Was you ever. You came in sayin' you really needed to forget something, so I mixed you up the most powerful drink I got... (DRAMATIC) the "Forget-Me-Shot."
Homer_Simpson: A "Forget-Me-Shot?" Never heard of it.
Moe_Szyslak: (PROUD) That means it worked. No one ever remembers. That's why I made this video to explain the process.
Moe_Szyslak: You start with a splash of Jaegermeister, then add sloe gin, Triple-Sec, Quadruple-Sec, gunk from a dog's eye, Absolut Pickle...
Homer_Simpson: Mmm, pickle...
Moe_Szyslak: The red stripe from Aquafresh...
Moe_Szyslak: And the funniest ingredient... the venom of the Louisiana Loboto-moth.
Moe_Szyslak: C'mon, sweetie.
Moe_Szyslak: You stir it with a home pregnancy test till it turns "positive"...
Moe_Szyslak: And presto: the Forget-Me-Shot.
Moe_Szyslak: Aw jeez, I don't look like that.
Moe_Szyslak: The point is, this drink is the ultimate brain bleacher. (SLIGHT MENACE) One swig wipes out the last day of your life.
Krusty_the_Clown: (ENTERING, UPSET) Gimme one of those forget-me-drinks -- I made a mistake I gotta wipe out! I was trying to do a Don Rickles about Arabs, but it turned into a Mel Gibson about Mexicans.
Krusty_the_Clown: What the hell am I doin' here? I gotta get back to the Latin Grammys.
Hispanic_Crowd: There he is! / Get him! / (ANGRY JEERS) Hot sauce his eyes!
Homer_Simpson: Oh my God, why would I wanna wipe out my memory? What horrible thing did I do?
Chief_Wiggum: You don't remember, huh?
Chief_Wiggum: (STERNLY) There was a domestic disturbance at your address yesterday.
Homer_Simpson: (SHOCKED REMEMBERING NOISE) Chief Wiggum! I remember seeing you...
Homer_Simpson: Marge had a black eye?! I could never do something like that! (WORRIED) Could I?
Chief_Wiggum: Why don't you ask the person who filed the complaint? Not that I am authorized to release that infor--
Homer_Simpson: Flanders!
Chief_Wiggum: (PISSED) Fine, it was Flanders. Now since you know everything, who was Jack the Ripper?
Homer_Simpson: (RUNNING OUT, DOPPLER) The queen's private surgeonnn!
Chief_Wiggum: (STUNNED) Wow.
Homer_Simpson: Marge put so much work into that party. The least I could do is be surprised. If only I could forget what happened today.
Moe_Szyslak: I got just the drink to wipe your mind clean... the "Forget-Me-Shot." (TO LENNY AND CARL) Fellas, if you got anything that you want to say to Homer that he'll never remember, say it now.
Lenny_Leonard: (QUICKLY) Blue pants make you look fat.
Carl_Carlson: (PILING ON) I've never learned your kids' names.
Lenny_Leonard: Your yard is unkempt.
Carl_Carlson: It is obvious you're bald.
Lenny_Leonard: Your thighs make noise.
Carl_Carlson: I find your small hands attractive.
Moe_Szyslak: I've spit in every drink I ever served you. (SPITS IN HOMER'S DRINK) Bottoms up!
Homer_Simpson: Hmmm... The only problem is, I'm sure to retain some image of coming home and finding Duffman. No doubt I'll misconstrue that as him placing a cuckold's horns upon my brow. And that will make me want to jump off a-- (GASPS)
Homer_Simpson: For the love of God, make sure the party boat has a moon-bounce.
Lenny_Leonard: (AMIABLE) Okay.


Moe_Szyslak: I like you newsies. You really lap up the sauce.
Scruffy_Blogger: Do you have internet access?
Moe_Szyslak: Sure thing, Mouse Pad. Ten bucks.
Moe_Szyslak: Knock yourself out.
Homer_Simpson: Is everyone here as sick of those stupid politicians as I am?
Seymour_Skinner: What about the media? They're not covering the issues, they just want to declare a frontrunner and go back to their mansions.
Moe_Szyslak: Who wants to abolish democracy forever? Show of hands.
Carl_Carlson: I could really go for some kinda military dictator, like Juan Perón. When he disappeared ya, you stayed disappeared.
Lenny_Leonard: Plus his wife was Madonna.
Ned_Flanders: What're we gonna do? We can't not vote. Nobody does that!
Homer_Simpson: (GETTING IDEA) Why don't we all pick the most ridiculous candidate, and write him in?
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: You mean Dennis Kucinich?
Dennis_Kucinich: (TWERPY KID VOICE) Hey!
Dennis_Kucinich: I'm right here.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Sorry.
Homer_Simpson: No, no. This candidate has to be unbelievably ridiculous.
Chief_Wiggum: Chief Wiggum!
Homer_Simpson: No. (GETTING IDEA) But you're close.


Homer_Simpson: (SIPS IT) Not quite.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah... (POINTS TO DOOR) Get out.


Moe_Szyslak: All right, I need you to get the rats outta the jukebox, and clean the vomit out of the pool table pockets, and then you've got the job. Oh, and you've gotta share your tips with Manuel, who's actually me with a fake moustache.
Moe_Szyslak: (SPANISH ACCENT) Ees good job, you should take it.
Carl_Carlson: Say Lurleen, are you Jamaican? 'Cause "Jamaican" me crazy.
Lurleen_Lumpkin: (MILD CHUCKLE) That's sweet, but I'm not lookin' to date.
Carl_Carlson: (BACKING AWAY) No, I'm glad you said that. 'Cause you reminded me that I'm not looking to date, either. So... so great.
Lenny_Leonard: Hey Lurleen, I'm going down to the rock quarry tonight to throw stones at the woodchucks. Wanna come?
Lurleen_Lumpkin: No.
Lenny_Leonard: (PLEASANT) It's okay, I understand.
Lenny_Leonard: (TO SELF) Someone's lookin' at a snake in her mailbox.


Moe_Szyslak: Sorry about your ma, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: I just wish she hadn't died thinking I hated her.
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, you should always make peace with your loved ones.
Lenny_Leonard: I think I'll give my ma a call right now. (TAKES OUT CELL PHONE AND DIALS) Hey Mom, I just wanted you to know that you mean-- Yeah, he's here.
Carl_Carlson: Hey, Mrs. L. Those butter cookies you sent were tasty, and the almond ones, ooo! (LISTENS) Aw, I wish I was your son too. All right, I'm gonna pass you back-- Okay, okay, I'll tell him. (HANGS UP PHONE) Uh Moe, Lenny's Mom says she loves you.


Marge_Simpson: It shows you care.
Moe_Szyslak: That's right, my beautiful, beautiful Midge -- (SNEAKY CHUCKLE) Soon you'll be mine.


Barflies: (CHANTING) Lenny, Lenny he's our guy! / Got the ticket Homer didn't buy!
Moe_Szyslak: Oh cheer up, Homer. The drinks are on Lenny.
Homer_Simpson: (SAD) I don't want your pity booze. I'll pay for it myself.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, I gotta check with Lenny on that. Uh, is that all right, Lenny?
Lenny_Leonard: (FRIENDLY) Nope, Lucky Lenny's buying all the drinks tonight.
Moe_Szyslak: Sorry Homer, but here's a compromise: why don't you both pay for the drink?
Moe_Szyslak: (POINTED) And tip.
Lenny_Leonard: I just wanna tell you all that even before I won this money, I was the luckiest guy in the world 'cause I got friends like you.
Lenny_Leonard: That's why I'm spending my remaining Scratcher winnings on a kick-ass party for all my friends!


Homer_Simpson: Hey Moe, gimme a--
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, shush! (SOTTO) We're watching Krabappel try to break up with Skinner.
Edna_Krabappel-Flanders: (UNCOMFORTABLE) Seymour, I have something difficult I want to say to you.
Seymour_Skinner: I understand. It can be very difficult for a woman to propose marriage. But I am willing to go halvsies on a ring.
Edna_Krabappel-Flanders: Seymour... (SIGHS) Excuse me.
Edna_Krabappel-Flanders: Any of you lugs wanna break up with my boyfriend for me? I'll buy you a beer!
Homer_Simpson: Seymour... Edna asked me to talk to you.
Seymour_Skinner: Splendid! Shall we discuss music, or the weather?
Homer_Simpson: No, this is about you. (GENTLY) Edna wants to break up.
Seymour_Skinner: (SMALL, SAD) She wants to break up?
Homer_Simpson: (SWEET) Yeah.
Seymour_Skinner: With me?
Homer_Simpson: (SWEET) Yeah.
Homer_Simpson: Look at it this way: you're a free man... (BITTER) unlike me. You have all your hair... (BITTER) unlike me. No kids tying you down, or a crippling mortgage that you refinanced at twenty-six percent because a dancing internet cowboy told you to... (SOBS) Oh, God, I hate my life! (SOBS)
Seymour_Skinner: (ENCOURAGED) Gee. Compared to you, my life is one big half-day!
Homer_Simpson: (ENCOURAGING) Exactly. You're good looking, have a decent job... what lonely widow wouldn't consider you an option?
Seymour_Skinner: Thanks, Homer. I don't think the school pep squad could've cheered me up more. And they were state runners up in nineteen ninety-seven!
Carl_Carlson: Homer, that was amazing -- he actually felt better comin' outta the break-up than he did goin' in.
Lenny_Leonard: Say Homer, you're real good at this. Think you could dump my girlfriend Doreen for me?
Moe_Szyslak: Doreen? She's cheated on you with everyone -- well, except for me. And I've showered her with gifts! Fancy soaps and massage oils and uh... what have ya...
Lenny_Leonard: (LOOKS OUT WINDOW) Ooh, here she comes -- work your magic, Homer!
Doreen: Is Lenny here?
Homer_Simpson: Oh, I'm afraid Lenny's dead.
Doreen: (QUIET SHOCK) What? I just talked to him.
Homer_Simpson: And you will again. Because he isn't really dead. And now this next piece of news won't seem so bad...
Homer_Simpson: Lisa's mad at me, and now she's using Marge's maiden name instead of mine.
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, whatever you done to that little girl, you just gotta do something even nicer to win her back.
Carl_Carlson: She may never take back your name, but there's still a chance she'll take you back as a Daddy.
Homer_Simpson: (TOUCHED) Wow... nobody gives better parenting advice than childless drunks.
Moe_Szyslak: So the name "Lisa Simpson" is available, huh? (CONSIDERING) Lotta goodwill attached to that name... (NODS) I'm gonna take it.
Moe_Szyslak: Lisa's Tavern, Lisa speaking.


Lenny_Leonard: (POINTED) Hey Carl, got any idea what direction Mecca's in?
Carl_Carlson: Why don'tcha ask Homer? He oughtta know, by dint of his son's new friend.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, Bashir's great. If Derek Jeter married Mariah Carey, it wouldn't last, but I bet they'd have a kid like him.
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, this is serious. This Bashir kid is Muslim, and therefore up to something.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, I can't believe that till I see a fictional TV program espousing your point of view.
Fbi_Agent: For the last time, Fayed, where did you hide the nerve gas!
Arab_Man: Under your Statue Of Liberty's dress!
Arab_Man: And she loved it!
Homer_Simpson: Oh my God. What can I do?
Carl_Carlson: Well, if you want to stop Bashir and his war on American principles, you could discriminate against his family, in employment and housing.
Lenny_Leonard: That's pretty patriotic, but I got a better idea -- invite 'em over.
Moe_Szyslak: A little dinner, a little dessert, then you Jack Bauer 'em into giving you all their secrets.
Homer_Simpson: (GRIMLY) I guess I have no choice.


Moe_Szyslak: What's wrong with your bees, Lisa?
Lisa_Simpson: (BITTER) Mr. Burns took away their sanctuary, and now they aren't strong enough to survive on their own.
Lisa_Simpson: I'm going home. Give me the keys to my bike lock.
Moe_Szyslak: Are you sure?
Lisa_Simpson: (TIPSY) Give me the keys!
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, okay! (HANDS HER THE KEYS) Don't know why I had 'em in the first place.
Homer_Simpson: (MOANS) I'd do anything to cheer up my little girl.
Moe_Szyslak: Really?
Moe_Szyslak: Listen Homer, in the back room I got these super-tough Africanized bees. I saw this ad in a gentleman's magazine for excited African honeys, and that's what they sent me. If we could combine them with Lisa's bees, it would make them strong enough to survive any environment.
Homer_Simpson: Huh? But how are we supposed to combine the DNA of two strains of the same species?
Moe_Szyslak: (GETS IDEA) Actually Homer...
Homer_Simpson: (EYES WIDE, GASPS) You and me?
Moe_Szyslak: No, the bees!
Homer_Simpson: (PROTESTING TOO MUCH) Oh yeah, yeah, that's what I meant too. I have no... inclination...
Moe_Szyslak: Got the queen?
Homer_Simpson: Yep.
Homer_Simpson: And she's ready for a night of anonymous sex with multiple partners. (CHUCKLES)
Moe_Szyslak: Now, let's give them some privacy while they... get down to buzziness. (SLIGHT CHUCKLE)
Moe_Szyslak: (SNIFFLES, THEN, IMPATIENT) If they was me they'd be done by now.


Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer, you wanna try my new Vance Connor-politan? Like Vance, it is smooth, cool and oh-so-sophisticated.
Homer_Simpson: I'll just stick with my beer.
Lenny_Leonard: Homer, why are you so down on Vance Connor? He gave me one of his kidneys.
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, me too.
Homer_Simpson: Because when Vance beat me in that election, he ruined my life.
Homer_Simpson: Why did you just exchange that look of guilt?
Carl_Carlson: (SIGHS) Lenny, uh, I think it's time for us to come clean.
Lenny_Leonard: About how we give each other haircuts?
Carl_Carlson: No, we'll take that secret to our graves. I'm talkin' about uh (SHOOTS LENNY MEANINGFUL LOOK), you know...
Lenny_Leonard: Oh, right! Listen, Homer, somethin' weird happened back in high school...
Homer_Simpson: (INTRIGUED) So there's a chance I actually won! I've got to dig up that ballot box!
Al_Gore: Just let it go, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: Al Gore?
Al_Gore: Homer, I had a presidential election stolen from me. But I moved on, and I think you could say everything worked out all right.
Al_Gore: (TO NOBEL PRIZE) Isn't that right, Alfred? (HOLDING UP NOBEL PRIZE, SPEAKING IN A FALSETTO, AS ALFRED NOBEL) It sure is, Albert.


Moe_Szyslak: People like Flanders make me sick. If I was Marge's landlord I'd fix her pipes and I'd shower her with flowers and-and take her on a romantic getaway to the South Seas and I... I'd never return.
Homer_Simpson: Yeah, you'd treat her right.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, here's how you get back at Flanders: you go to the media and get them to expose what a horrible person he really is.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, right -- like "Dateline" did to you!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, three times. (UPBEAT) The last one was nominated for a Peabody, whatever that is.
Kent_Brockman: This is Kent Brockman with a Channel 6 exclusive: The Evil Ned.
Kent_Brockman: Seven forty-two Evergreen Terrace. A tiny slice of suburban heaven. But like dating an actress, what seemed like heaven soon turned to hell.


Homer_Simpson: Now, you learn your numbers from these billiard balls while Daddy gets happier and happier and then sadder and sadder.
Homer_Simpson: Moe, what are you doing?
Moe_Szyslak: I'm spiffin' up the place! Jeez, can't a guy clean his bar for the first time ever without people makin' polite inquiries?
Moe_Szyslak: Huh. I got a window here.
Homer_Simpson: (REALIZING) Hey, Maggie could play out there... while I watch her from in here. (TURNS) Whaddaya say, Maggie?
Homer_Simpson: (TOUCHED) Aw, her first enabling.
Lenny_Leonard: (CALLING) Hi, Maggie! / Up here, beautiful! / Yo, Mags!
Barney_Gumble: (PLAYFUL) It's me! Uncle Barney! Remember I taught you your ABCs. (SINGS) A-B- (FORGETS NEXT LETTER) P-K... (GIVING UP MOAN)
Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, I s'pose you guys are still wonderin' why I'm cleanin' the bar.
Lenny_Leonard: Ooh, hey Maggie! Maggie, Maggie, Maggie!
Homer_Simpson: (BABY TALK) Hello Maggie... hello Maggie.
Carl_Carlson: Hey Maggie! Maggie look at my face!
Moe_Szyslak: (CLEARS THROAT) It all began about a month ago...
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, she said she'd be here at exactly eight o'clock.
Moe_Szyslak: (FURIOUS) You callin' my girl a liar?!
Moe_Szyslak: (DEFEATED) Okay.
Moe_Szyslak: (SAD) I've been stood up.
Maya: Moe, I'm down here.
Moe_Szyslak: (SURPRISED) Oh, you're a little person? (REGRETFUL) I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. What's the correct term?
Maya: Little person.
Moe_Szyslak: (PLEASED) Whoa! Look at me bein' polite!
Maya: So, aren't you gonna invite me in?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh of course, of course. Um, I-I just have to -- I have to tidy up the place! Just one second. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
Moe_Szyslak: So Maya. Um, you always been this size, or is this like a Benjamin Button deal? (UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGH) No, I mean is, I just...your picture just made you look more... life-sized.
Maya: That was taken at Legoland. I was afraid you'd be disappointed in the real me.
Moe_Szyslak: Are you kiddin' me? You're the best thing to come into this bar since cable TV. And unlike cable TV, I ain't stealin' you from the Chinese restaurant across the street there.
Chinese_Restaurateur: I see you watch ESPN Two! I know!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, that's great there, Ling Chow.
Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, you still want to go out?
Maya: (SHRUGS) That's why I'm here.
Moe_Szyslak: Great. Let me get a car seat.
Maya: (NOT SURE WHETHER TO BE OFFENDED) Car seat?
Moe_Szyslak: I took out the passenger seat to save gas. But I'm gonna use it now. 'Cause we're gonna do the town!
Carl_Carlson: (PLAYFUL) How'd your date go, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: Incredible. I've never felt like this before. It's like my heart wants to do her.
Barflies: Awww.
Lenny_Leonard: So, when are we gonna meet her?
Moe_Szyslak: (UNEASY) Oh, I can't wait till you guys get to uh...
Thought_Bubble_Lenny: Yep, that's what we'd do!
Moe_Szyslak: Let me ask you guys somethin': how would you treat a person who's generally dynamite but uh, in some way... a little different?
Lenny_Leonard: You mean like how we treat Homer?
Carl_Carlson: 'Cause he can't remember limericks?
Homer_Simpson: I can too! "There once was this guy from an island off the coast of Massachusetts... uh, Nantucket, I think it was. Anyway, he had a most unusual personal characteristic... which was... um... uh...
Carl_Carlson: Look at him struggling with the simplest rhyme.
Lenny_Leonard: It's a-a-b-b-a, dumbass!
Homer_Simpson: There you are!
Homer_Simpson: Aww. Innocent babies whistling nonchalantly. How sweet. (TO BULLY BABIES) Maggie will be back to play with you tomorrow.
Moe_Szyslak: Guys, after all the years I've given you advice, now I need a little advice from you.
Carl_Carlson: We never follow your advice.
Lenny_Leonard: The one time I did, I went to jail for three years.
Moe_Szyslak: (DEFENSIVE) You made some good friends, didn't ya?
Lenny_Leonard: Just 'cause you're chained to a guy don't make him your friend.
Moe_Szyslak: Tomato, tomahto. Now how am I gonna win Maya back?
Lenny_Leonard: Well, if I've learned anything from romantic comedies, is that you've got to make a grand, reckless gesture, the kind that looks like it might blow up in your face.
Moe_Szyslak: But what if it blows up in my face?
Carl_Carlson: With your face, who cares?
Moe_Szyslak: What's the matter, Homer?
Homer_Simpson: Not a thing in the world.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I wish I could say the same.
Homer_Simpson: Moe, this was a great thing for you. You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game. And sometime when you least expect it, you'll realize that someone loved you. And that means someone can love you again. And that'll make you smile.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey! Homer was right.
Moe_Szyslak: Who'da thought such a little woman could make me feel so big?


Homer_Simpson: (LOUD WHISPER) Let's try what chapter seven calls "Un-sults" -- insults disguised as compliments. (NORMAL VOICE) Hey, Lenny -- it takes a lot of courage to wear suspenders when you're not in the circus.
Lenny_Leonard: Well that's very nice of you-- (REALIZING) Hey! You sayin' my clothes are clown-like? Oh God, I feel so insecure! Please be my friend...
Homer_Simpson: (TO LISA) See, it works. And un-sults are just the beginning. There's also envy-tations, hate-hugs, spamming with faint praise and... (STAGY) Hey everyone, wanna go get frozen yogurt?
Moe_Szyslak: I do! / Yeah! / You know it! / Oh boy!
Homer_Simpson: Ooo, I'm sorry, Moe. I didn't mean everyone everyone. Hope you don't mind.
Moe_Szyslak: No, oh sure, no, uh no... that's all right.
Moe_Szyslak: (SOBS LIKE TEENAGE GIRL, THEN CLEARLY SAYS) If I didn't sell booze, they probably wouldn't even come here. (SOBS SOME MORE)
Homer_Simpson: And that, my dear girl, is called the Toledo Take-back.
Lisa_Simpson: Dad, I don't want to hurt people's feelings.
Homer_Simpson: I see. Well, maybe you're not ready for this book. It is more of a big girl thing.
Lisa_Simpson: I'm a big girl! I'm a big girl!
Lisa_Simpson: One of you said something bad about the other.
Carl_Carlson: (SHOCKED, IN UNISON) He did?!


Homer_Simpson: (EAGER) I can't wait for the reviews!
Marge_Simpson: (GRABS ONE, READS HAPPILY:) "Tonight the Springfield Community Playhouse was bathed in the light of a brilliant new star... (MAD) Dr. Hibbert as Banquo?!"
Homer_Simpson: Who the hell is Banquo?
Marge_Simpson: (GLOWERS) He's the one getting the good reviews! (SOTTO TO HOMER) Which makes him the next one you've got to kill.
Homer_Simpson: Wouldn't it be easier if I just took acting lessons?
Marge_Simpson: Screw your courage to the sticking-place and we'll not fail.
Homer_Simpson: That's inspiring. What's that from? X-Men 2?
Marge_Simpson: (LOSING IT) Macbeth!
Homer_Simpson: Mac-who?


Gulliver_Dark: THEY DID THE MONSTER MA-- / THEY DID THE MONSTER MA-- / THEY DID THE MONSTER MA--
Carl_Carlson: Homer, this is bad. One unlucky punch and Marge could be bedridden for life.
Lenny_Leonard: (OMINOUS) Unable to move anything but her left toe.
Carl_Carlson: Yeah.
Thought_Bubble_Homer: (SOBBING) Oh Marge, if only I knew what these paintings meant.
Thought_Bubble_Homer: (MELODRAMATIC) I know the woman I loved is still in there somewhere, behind all this nonsense.
Homer_Simpson: We've gotta get Marge some professional training. Carl, do you know heavyweight champ Drederick Tatum?
Carl_Carlson: (OFFENDED) What? You think just 'cause I'm black I know all other black people?
Homer_Simpson: Well, I... uh...
Carl_Carlson: Actually, Drederick and I are very good friends. We met through Dr. Hibbert at a party at Bleeding Gums Murphy's house.
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, c'mon! Get back on your feet! I believe in you!
Barney_Gumble: I'm doin' it, Moe!
Moe_Szyslak: Not you!
Barney_Gumble: Oh, thank God, the pressure's off.
Moe_Szyslak: There sure is a lotta talkin' for a professional fight.
Lenny_Leonard: Eh, that's what you get when you fight a woman.
Carl_Carlson: Yap, yap, yap.
Lenny_Leonard: And they spend all day eating bon-bons and watching General Hospital... which, by the way, has never been better.


Moe_Szyslak: (STARTS TO SING SWEETLY) OH WHY CAN'T NO GIRL LOVE A GUY WITH THIS MUG...WHOSE MOTHER DECLARED / YOU'RE TOO UGLY TO HUG...
Barney_Gumble: How's about pouring me a beer, ugly?
Moe_Szyslak: How 'bout some of my new microbrew?
Moe_Szyslak: Must be another mouse in the pipe. Let's see if this cobra solves it.
Moe_Szyslak: (TRIES TAP) Nothin'.
Moe_Szyslak: (SINGS) JUST ONCE I WISH CUPID / WOULD DRAW BACK HIS BOW / AND SHOOT ME A CUTIE / WHOSE STANDARDS ARE LOW...
Homer_Simpson: Woo hoo! An unattended tap! Like takin' beer from a baby!
Moe_Szyslak: (SINGS, SAME TUNE) I'M UNLUCKY IN LOVE / I'M UNLUCKY IN LUCK
Moe_Szyslak: Oh my God, Homer! Just try to relax.
Moe_Szyslak: Don't relax! Don't relax!
Moe_Szyslak: Oh Marge, the most awful thing just happened!
Marge_Simpson: What is it, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: Um... (TO SELF) She's so beautiful. It makes my heart take wing!
Moe_Szyslak: Look at me! I can fl-- (ANGUISHED NOISE)
Moe_Szyslak: Um, Marge... Homer, uh, just ran out sayin' he don't love you and he never did.
Marge_Simpson: He what?!
Homer_Simpson: Helllp me!
Moe_Szyslak: That uh, that's me. I've been taking ventriloquism lessons. (NERVOUS LAUGH)
Homer_Simpson: Help me or kill me!
Moe_Szyslak: (LOOKING FOR APPROVAL) Heh? Heh?
Moe_Szyslak: Now, let Dr. Moe cure what ails you.
Marge_Simpson: Mm, there's something odd about this beer.
Marge_Simpson: (TALK-SINGS) IT TASTES LIKE... CUDDLING! / IT TASTES LIKE CLEAN CLOTHES!
Marge_Simpson: IT TASTES LIKE HOT STEAMING COCOA MIXED WITH RAINBOWS...
Moe_Szyslak: (SURPRISED/THRILLED) It does?
Lenny_Leonard: (SINGS) FULL-BODIED...
Carl_Carlson: (SINGS) FULL-BLOODED...
Barney_Gumble: (SINGS) IT'S SUCH A LOVELY BLEND...
Barney_Gumble: (SINGS, IN HARMONY) IT'S JOLLY / IT'S LOYAL / LIKE DRINKING YOUR BEST FRIEND!
Moe_Szyslak: So, I see we're back in business. Now, a little more hemoglobin and your wife will be disrobin'.
Marge_Simpson: (TALK-SINGS) I STOPPED MY CRYING / WHY, I DON'T KNOW / BUT THIS ROSEY, COZY, BUBBLES-IN-MY-NOSE-Y / MAKES ME WANNA HAVE... MO'!
Kang: This is the best musical in light years.
Kodos: Light years measure distance not time.
Kang: You know what I meant.
Moe_Szyslak: So Marge, uh... Homer's been gone a whole week, huh? In an unrelated matter, (SEDUCTIVE) I just put on cologne and shaved my knuckles.
Marge_Simpson: I'm still hoping Homie will come back.
Moe_Szyslak: (SHAKES HEAD SADLY) Marge, I've got some bad news to give you.
Moe_Szyslak: It's a letter from Homer. On my stationery. In my handwriting. Using my idioms and speech patterns. And it begins, "Dear Midge: you probably hate me by now, and if you don't, what's wrong which youse? But don't give up on men. Bart, Linda and the other one there need a Dad."
Marge_Simpson: That does sound like Homer.
Moe_Szyslak: Read on. It gets gayer.
Homer_Simpson: (TALK-SINGS) WHILE TURNING GAY THE OTHER DAY / A THOUGHT OCCURRED TO ME...
Homer_Simpson: I'D LIKE TO TRY MOST EVERY GUY / FROM HERE TO TIMBUK-TEE
Homer_Simpson: (THEN SINGS, FAST-PACED) OH, THERE'S SO MANY MEN AROUND THE WORLD, OF EVERY SHAPE AND SIZE / I WANT TO NIBBLE ON JAMAICAN JERKS AND TERIYAKI THIGHS...
Homer_Simpson: I WANT TO FRENCH KISS A FRENCHMAN, AND SPOON AN ENGLISH DUKE / 'CAUSE FRANKLY, DEAR, TO NOT BE QUEER, JUST MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE...
Homer_Simpson: SO FIND YOURSELF A MAN WHO'LL WANT YOU IN THE SACK
Homer_Simpson: I RECOMMEND / OUR DEAR OLD FRIEND / BARTENDER MOE SZYSLAK!
Moe_Szyslak: ("AND MANY MORE") LETTERS DON'T LIE! (SPOKEN) So whaddaya think, Marge? Will you give Moe a throw?
Marge_Simpson: Eh, well...
Moe_Szyslak: Maybe you need a little more "milk of amnesia."
Moe_Szyslak: Dang, I'm missing the secret ingredient! Uh, lemme squeeze some more out of the "Secret Ingredient Bag".
Moe_Szyslak: Uh-oh, looks like I gotta wing it a little bit here. The other day I ran into an Irishman. (PRETENDS TO BE SECOND MAN) Oh really? (BACK TO BEING FIRST MAN) No, O'Reilly.
Agnes_Skinner: I can't talk now, I'm watching a play! (BEAT) You want how much for a radiator? (BEAT) Is that new or rebuilt?
Moe_Szyslak: There.
Marge_Simpson: (PANTS BRIEFLY) Oh my God, I've never felt so... (TURNED ON) uncreeped-out by you!
Moe_Szyslak: Marge, I loves youse. Will youse be mines?
Marge_Simpson: (TORN) I guess it is time to move on...
Moe_Szyslak: Before you do, I just gotta warn you, Marge. (SINGS) MY TASTE FOR ROMANCE IS KINDA PERVERSE / I CAN ONLY MAKE LOVE IN THE BACK OF A HEARSE...
Moe_Szyslak: PLUS I GOTTA BE DRESSED AS A CIVIL WAR NURSE / AND THEN WHEN I'M FINISHED, I'LL GO THROUGH YOUR PURSE / BUT YOU COULD DO WORSE...
Marge_Simpson: I COULD DO WORSE...
Barflies: WE'RE PROOF THAT YOU...
Moe_Szyslak: (SIMULTANEOUS) I/YOU COULD DO...
Homer_Simpson: (SINGING, FURIOUS FINALE) SHE COULDN'T POSSIBLY DO WORSE!
Marge_Simpson: Homer?! (HOPEFUL) Does this mean you still love me?
Homer_Simpson: Of course I do, Marge. Can you still love a man (INDICATES PIPES) who's half-beer?
Marge_Simpson: I always have.
Homer_Simpson: To love!
All: WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS YEAR'S HALLOWEEN SHOW / TREEHOUSE OF HORROR, NUMBER XX!
Kang: Shhh!


Moe_Szyslak: (TO HOMER) Easy there, habitrail.
Homer_Simpson: They took away our donuts at work! All I've had are my meals!
Carl_Carlson: And the worst thing is, there's nothing we can do about it.
Lenny_Leonard: I think that's the best thing -- 'cause then you can say (PHILOSOPHICAL) "well, there's nothin' we can do about it."
Stranger: (SOUTHERN ACCENT) Bartender, buy these men a round on me.
Moe_Szyslak: (PUZZLED) You want to "buy a round?" I heard about that in bartending school, but I never seen it happen.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, this is very good for me. Very good indeed.
Stranger: (TO HOMER) Gator McCall. I'm a head hunter.
Gator: (PATIENT CHUCKLE) I'm a corporate recruiter who specializes in nuclear workers.
Homer_Simpson: I guess these days headhunters can be anything.
Homer_Simpson: You nuclear workers have no idea how valuable you are. Times have never been better for your industry, now that all the protesters who marched in front of nuclear power plants are dying off from radiation poisonin'.
Lenny_Leonard: (THOUGHTFUL) Are these business cards? Or passports to a better future?
Gator: Business cards.
Lenny_Leonard: (IMPRESSED) Nice.


Homer_Simpson: Mr. Smithers, our lives are awesome, thanks to you. And because I know you "like your loafers light," I want to give something back.
Homer_Simpson: Use that image any way you want.
Carl_Carlson: Three cheers for Mr. Smithers!
Carl_Carlson: To Mr. Smithers! / Hooray!
Homer_Simpson: Uh listen... can I leave a little early tomorrow? My kid has a thing.
Carl_Carlson: Ooo yeah, can I leave early too? I wanna take a nap so I'm awake for the meteor shower.
Waylon_Smithers: Well... I'm flexible. Go ahead.
Lenny_Leonard: Y'know, I used to think you was just as bad as Mr. Burns, now I think you're just as good as me.
Carl_Carlson: (SOTTO) Oh, that is a huge compliment.
Waylon_Smithers: Uh, excuse me.
Waylon_Smithers: Yes, the service on my car was excellent. (BEAT) Five out of five. Four out of five. Five out of five. Um, excuse me, can I go back and change that four out of five to five out of five? I'm wasting your time?
Homer_Simpson: Smithers. What a marshmallow.
Homer_Simpson: I don't have a thing with my kid tomorrow!
Carl_Carlson: You told me you did.
Homer_Simpson: I do, but I'm not going to it.
Carl_Carlson: To Smithers, the world's dumbest loser!
Lenny_Leonard: There's nothing sweeter than being nice to a guy's face and then stabbin' him in the back the minute he walks away!
Waylon_Smithers: All right, that's it.
Waylon_Smithers: You know, I used to wonder why Mr. Burns hated humanity. Now I know. You open your heart and they mock your very decency!
Homer_Simpson: (EXTREMELY MOCKING) Ooh! We mock your very decency.
Lenny_Leonard: It's official. Smithers is now worse than Mr. Burns.
Lenny_Leonard: Instead of releasing hounds, he releases wolverines!
Homer_Simpson: I never thought I'd say this, but I wish Mr. Burns was back.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, if wishes were horses I'd be eatin' wish-meat every night.
Lenny_Leonard: What does that mean?
Moe_Szyslak: It means it's not like you're gonna break into the prison and bust him out or anything.
Moe_Szyslak: Aw hey, c'mon. You can't really be serious about breaking him out.
Lenny_Leonard: It's too late to turn back, Moe. We've exchanged meaningful looks.
Moe_Szyslak: No, you can still turn back! The point of no return is the whispered huddle.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh God, oh God!


Homer_Simpson: Ahhh, that is so much better than hospital beer.
Lenny_Leonard: Homer, where you been the last few weeks?
Homer_Simpson: (BITTERLY) Playing nursemaid to Chief Wiggum.
Carl_Carlson: People who get shot in the chest are such big babies. (SIPS BEER)
Chief_Wiggum: Well, well, well. So this is the "Saint Elmo's Fire" reunion that Andrew McCarthy himself was going to attend.
Homer_Simpson: Okay, maybe I lied. But you've been so needy... "I'm hungry," "I'm itchy," "that's not my blood type..."
Chief_Wiggum: Yeah, yeah, yeah... whoa... what have we here?
Chief_Wiggum: (READING) "World's worst friend."
Homer_Simpson: Hey man, you planted that!
Chief_Wiggum: It's your word against the Chief of Police. Take him away, boys.
Lou: Chief, being a bad friend isn't against the law.
Chief_Wiggum: Well if it was, he'd be gettin' the chair! You, you all would!
Chief_Wiggum: Bad friend! Bad friend! Bad friend! (SOBS)


Duffman: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Duffman is here to refill your beers!
Barney_Gumble: Okay.
Barney_Gumble: Thank you!
Duffman: Now, for the only thing better than Duff...
Barflies: (CONFUSED NOISE) Better than Duff? What's he talking about?
Duffman: ...Free Duff stuff!
Carl_Carlson: Oh, yeah.
Duffman: Now, who wants...beer cozies! A shirt that says "Yo!" Sassy seat cushions! (HOLDS UP SEAT CUSHION READING "PARK YOUR DUFF") And Flash drives for your P.C. so you can take your data and (HAMMY) back it up!!!
Homer_Simpson: I want some of that!
Duffman: And now, Duffman has a dinner date with his estranged daughter! Must not bring up why she dropped out of college! ("OH YEAH") It's too sad!
Kent_Brockman: Tomorrow's forecast is:
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, place your bets.
Lenny_Leonard: Partly cloudy!
Carl_Carlson: Partly sunny!
Homer_Simpson: (GUESSING) Golf ball-sized hail!
Kent_Brockman: (CONTINUING) A chance of severe thunder storms with golf ball-sized hail!
Homer_Simpson: (EXULTANT) Woo-hoo!
Ned_Flanders: (POINTED) Ahem!
Ned_Flanders: I spy, with my electronic eye, illegal wagering!
Carl_Carlson: (TO CAMERA) Hey, weren't these cameras installed to keep America's enemies from blowin' up our homeland?
Ned_Flanders: Well, sir, how many times have you been blown up since the cameras went in?
Carl_Carlson: (SHEEPISH) Zero times.
Ned_Flanders: Mm-hmm! Now I'm gonna go tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk till you give the money back. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Homer_Simpson: (TSKING NOISES) / (INCREASINGLY AGGRAVATED NOISES)
Homer_Simpson: All right! All right!
Homer_Simpson: I'm goin' home. It's not safe in here.


Moe_Szyslak: Moe's Tavern, presided over by Moe Szyslak -- handsome, suave, debonair...
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, get the camera offa me -- I'm narratin' here!
Moe_Szyslak: Anyway, here's my little tale. As the town's bartender, I know everyone's problems. And everyone's got problems -- especially the married ones.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: May we use your restroom to change our kids out of their cricket uniforms?
Manjula_Nahasapeemapetilon: We got caught in the rain because someone wouldn't use international short form rules.
Moe_Szyslak: Calm down there, 'Pu and She-Pu. You can use the restroom.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (SIGHS) My one day off and it's miserable.
Manjula_Nahasapeemapetilon: This is my day everyday!
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: You see this? (MIMES PLAYING TINY SITAR) I'm playing the world's smallest sitar for you.
Manjula_Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, thank you for saving my precious...Gheet! (SIGHS)
Moe_Szyslak: (SYMPATHETIC) Sounds like you had a rough day.
Manjula_Nahasapeemapetilon: It's true.
Manjula_Nahasapeemapetilon: My eyes have more bags than the Darjeeling Limited.
Moe_Szyslak: (SLIGHTLY CONFUSED CHUCKLE) Yeah, that's probably a good one. Here, I got somethin' that might cheer ya up.
Moe_Szyslak: I got this for women that came to the bar, and Low-Blow Boxing for the guys.
Boxer: (PRE-RECORDED, IN PAIN) My nards! My nards! My nards!
Moe_Szyslak: So uh, would you like to cut one? (THEN NERVOUS) I mean a rug. Oh God, I always say the wrong thing.
Marge_Simpson: (ANNOYED) You said you'd be home by seven to help with my mother's birthday!
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (PANICKED) Then what happened?
Homer_Simpson: I don't know.
Carny: Teacup? How'd that get in there? (WHISPERS) Question me, you little rutabaga brain, I'll take your eyeball and make soup out of it.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Well, how can you be so sure your wife is not the putty in the bartender's hands?
Homer_Simpson: Yeah, Padre. How innocuous are your flashbacks?
Rev._Timothy_Lovejoy: Well... I... uh...
Homer_Simpson: (GRIM) The ferry will be back in ten minutes. It'll take us home... to find out the truth.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (POINTEDLY, TO LOVEJOY) The truth...
Ralph_Wiggum: (POPPING HEAD IN, OMINOUS) The roof...


Carl_Carlson: Man, you sure saved that dog show.
Lenny_Leonard: Moe, you were hilarious.
Moe_Szyslak: I was just doin' what comes naturally to me -- being mean to animals.
Man_With_Crazy_Beard: (VOICE LIKE CHRISTOPHER LLOYD) Excuse me, sir. I was wondering if you would judge an outrageous beard contest I'm in tonight.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, anyone can get a laugh at the expense of an ugly dog. But crazy beards? That's where the big boys play.
Moe_Szyslak: Can you make it sound like girls askin' me?
Moe_Szyslak: (DELIGHTED CHUCKLE) Okay, you crazy dames. I'll do it!
Moe_Szyslak: Which means this joint is closed for the night.
Barney_Gumble: Don't be that way.
Homer_Simpson: You can't close! I'll have to go home and drink better beer at half the price in natural lighting!
Moe_Szyslak: (SIGHS) I didn't want to have to do this...
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah that's right! Scatter, ya cockroaches!
Lisa_Simpson: (WALKS UP) Mr. Szyslak, would you like to buy some band candy?
Lisa_Simpson: That doesn't work on me.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh yeah? How 'bout this scary face? (SCARY NOISES)
Lisa_Simpson: I can see that down deep is a decent man.
Moe_Szyslak: (SIGHS) Fine.
Moe_Szyslak: ...I didn't rip out his voice box, but I did stretch out his tee shirt, then they said I ain't allowed back in California no more and I can no longer make judgments about nothin'...
Barney_Gumble: Hey Moe, am I okay to drive?
Moe_Szyslak: Legally, I can't say.
Barney_Gumble: To a drunk man that's a yes!
Barney_Gumble: (DRIVING NOISES, THEN) Beep! Beep!
Moe_Szyslak: He seems fine. There is one bright side: I'm also forbidden from ever watchin' Fox.
Marge_Simpson: You can't even show it in the bar?
Moe_Szyslak: That's right -- and business has never been better.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh hey, how's it goin' there, Mr. Murdoch?
Rupert_Murdoch: Never mind me -- put on the Jay Leno show.
Jay_Leno: Have you seen this? The president says Iran has gotten hold of the most dangerous weapon known to man: the B.P. Oil rig. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. I know how to make that leak disappear -- put it on NBC.


Lisa_Simpson: Hey, Dad.
Homer_Simpson: (TIPSY) Hey pal, howya doin'?
Lisa_Simpson: Fine. I was hoping you and your friends could tell me something about baseball strategy.
Moe_Szyslak: The only thing I know about strategy is that whatever the manager does, it's wrong, unless it works, in which case he's a button-pusher.
Lenny_Leonard: I hate guys that just push buttons all day.
Carl_Carlson: You just push buttons all day.
Lenny_Leonard: You know, ever since Obama came in, you've got all the answers, don't you?
Lisa_Simpson: (FRUSTRATED NOISE) Does anyone here actually know anything about baseball?
Moe_Szyslak: (NODS) Uh, the guys in that booth down there.
Gary: As a pitcher, Cliff Lee is clearly superior to Zack (GRENKY) Grienke.
Professor_Jonathan_Frink: Uh yes, I completely agree, with the following colossal exception: before the fourth inning after a road loss in a domed stadium. Then it's good to be Grienke. Unless he's got a bunion, in which case he is notably ineffective. (FRINK NOISE)
Lisa_Simpson: Wow, I'm surprised you guys know so much about a sport.
Professor_Jonathan_Frink: (PORTENTOUS) Oh Lisa, baseball is a game played by the dexterous but only understood by the Poin-dexterous. (CHUCKLE) Do you understand what I laid out there?
Doug: The key to understanding the game is sabermetrics.
Lisa_Simpson: Huh?
Professor_Jonathan_Frink: The field was developed by statistician Bill James...
Bill_James: I made baseball as fun as doing your taxes!
Professor_Jonathan_Frink: Using sabermetrics, even an eight-year-old girl can run a ballclub with the sagacity of a Stengel and the single-mindedness of a Steinbrenner. I call it a Stein-stengel-(FRINK NOISE).
Lisa_Simpson: Thanks, guys.
Moe_Szyslak: (ANNOYED) Hey, speaking of stats, I'm none too pleased about your ratio of "seats occupied" to "beers ordered."
Gary: You mean our SOBO? Let's calculate it now!
Doug: What's the conversion factor for ginger beer?
Gary: ("DUH") Refreshingness over effervescence.
Benjamin: Plus or minus tang.
Moe_Szyslak: (RUEFUL) Why did I advertise my drink specials in Scientific American?
Professor_Jonathan_Frink: I can think of three reasons. First of all you...
Moe_Szyslak: Shut up.


Lenny_Leonard: Wow, Homer, this year's only eleven hours old and it's already your annus horribilis. (OFF THE OTHERS' LOOKS) My New Year's Resolution was to learn Latin.
Moe_Szyslak: (CONSPIRATORIAL) Uh listen, Homer -- I know a guy who fixes things for folks who need things fixed. But, uh, I can't talk about it here.
Moe_Szyslak: Eh, still not private enough.
Moe_Szyslak: Eh, this is private, but a little dank.
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, what you do is go down to window nine at the courthouse. You slip the guy a hundred bucks and your record is as clean as... (LOOKS AROUND BAR) uh, I ain't got nothin' clean to compare it to.
Moe_Szyslak: It was either this or put in a ladies room.
Fat_Tony: Exquisite. As a reward, I've planned a little surprise for you.


Waylon_Smithers: Can I have a scotch and water?
Moe_Szyslak: My scotch is a scotch and water.
Waylon_Smithers: Business is slow, huh?
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. Frankly, I'm surprised you're not across the street where they drink for fun, instead of here, where, uh, horrible addiction compels you.
Waylon_Smithers: They won't let me in -- no one wants an executive assistant who only works out six hours a day. If only this town had a "men's bar" for the average-looking fellow...
Mr._Burns_Heads: (FIRST HEAD) ...True admiration... (SECOND HEAD) Self-made man... (THIRD HEAD) kill the other two heads... (FIRST HEAD) true admiration... (SECOND HEAD) self-made man... (THIRD HEAD) kill them before they suspect... (FIRST HEAD) suspect what?...
Waylon_Smithers: Huh? Huh? Listen, what if I helped you turn this bar into a hangout for guys like me?
Moe_Szyslak: (INTRIGUED) Uh-huh...
Waylon_Smithers: Just so it's clear what I'm proposing, the men I'm talking about are...
Moe_Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No offense, uh, but uh, I just ain't comfortable hanging around all night with, uh, y'know whatchamacallit... uh, swishkabobs.
Waylon_Smithers: (KNOWING) Yeah, right. It's too bad. Could have been fun. Could have made a little money.
Moe_Szyslak: Thank you, but I am very happy with my clientele as they are.
Barney_Gumble: Hey, Moe! Two more for me and my buddy.
Moe_Szyslak: That was my grandmother's wedding urinal! That's it. We are changing this place up.
Moe_Szyslak: Whoa, check that out! / Stuff is getting' done! / Look at them renovations! / And... finished!
Moe_Szyslak: After this, ain't no turning back.


Lenny_Leonard: You know, I love our Valentine's Day tradition of going out with each others' sisters.
Carl_Carlson: Is there anything better than my best friend's face on a girl body?
Lainie: Not that I can think of!
Carlotta: Nothin' better!
Moe_Szyslak: Boy, I love Valentine's Day. Stir a drop of Jägermeister into some pink lemonade, slice in some strawberry Chapstick, call it "Cupid's Ambrosia," and you can charge up the wazoo.
Homer_Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Now all you need are customers. (DRAINS THE DRINK) Well, better get home to the little woman. (CHUCKLES)
Homer_Simpson: (TO MOE, SLIGHTLY CONCERNED) Do you have plans for tonight?
Moe_Szyslak: What are you, crazy? Of course I do. I got a hot date. C'mon, scram, so I can get ready!
Moe_Szyslak: I'm tellin' ya, I'm fine. I've never been happier. See?
Moe_Szyslak: That's a smile, right? Showin' teeth, eyes all crinkly. (WEAK LAUGH)
Moe_Szyslak: (HUGE SOBS, THEN SEES HOMER) Stop opening doors!
Announcer: Coming up next on "World of War"...
Announcer: "Hitler and Eva Braun: Crazy In Love."
Moe_Szyslak: Even you let me down, Hitler.
Man's_Voice: Hey, you! Spending Valentine's Day by yourself?
Moe_Szyslak: (BIG) Huhza?
Dr._Kissingher: If you're watching this alone, your love life is like "Sister Act 3": no Whoopi!
Moe_Szyslak: I knew my love life was like that movie somehow.
Dr._Kissingher: Well, I'm going to tell you my secrets right now...
Dr._Kissingher: If "right now" means "tomorrow night at my seminar at the Springfield Airport Motor Lodge." So if you're ready to turn from couch potato to sex tornado, come and see me, Dr. Kissingher.
Moe_Szyslak: Eh, what have I got to lose? They say for every man, somewhere on Earth there's one woman.


Grampa_Simpson: (BITTERLY) Everything everyone just said is either obvious or wrong!
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, do somethin' about your dad. He's casting a pall over this grim dungeon full of losers.
Lenny_Leonard: Pfft, dungeon. We can leave any time we want.
Carl_Carlson: Homer, why don't you just make some more of the serum yourself?
Homer_Simpson: Oh, because Lisa won't tell me what flower it's from.
Voice: Excuse me...
Walther_Hotenhoffer: My name is Walther Hotenhoffer and I'm in the pharmaceutical business.
Carl_Carlson: I was wonderin' when that guy was gonna state his name and occupation.
Walther_Hotenhoffer: Quiet. (TO HOMER) Sir, has your daughter found a drug that renders old people tolerable to us normals?
Homer_Simpson: Yeah. But Lisa won't tell me how to make it.
Walther_Hotenhoffer: Lisa is irrelevant.
Lenny_Leonard: (STERN) You better elaborate!
Walther_Hotenhoffer: All I need is one drop of extract, and I can synthesize the drug at my plant. (SCRUTINIZES GRAMPA) But where do I find that drop?...
Walther_Hotenhoffer: Nein... nein... nein... nein... ah-ha!
Grampa_Simpson: Not so fast, Fritz! Before you waltz off with my Grampa grease, I wanna know, what did you do during the war?
Walther_Hotenhoffer: World War Two? I wasn't born yet.
Grampa_Simpson: (SUSPICIOUS) Funny how many Germans say that these days.


Roz: Be my guest.


Moe_Szyslak: (DELIGHTED) Ooh, a text. (CHECKS PHONE) Let's see... Text message for I. M. A. Wiener. (SHOWS THEM PHONE) As you all can see, I. M. A. Wiener!
Barney_Gumble: I see it, Moe. (LAUGHS)
Moe_Szyslak: (REALIZING, TO PHONE) Why you! When I--
Moe_Szyslak: When-I-get-a-hold-of-you... oh dammit, I typed an F, not a D. Uh... (RAPIDLY) Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. Oh crap, I just donated twenty dollars to Haiti!
Dr._Zander: Bart, I'm trying to get you to feel something for your father!
Bart_Simpson: I feel something for him. Here it comes. (BURPS)
Dr._Zander: Why you little...?!
Dr._Zander: (STRAINING) This is a tough neck! Oh, it's so strong! Like an old...
Homer_Simpson: Y'see? You see how that boy pushes your buttons?
Dr._Zander: We'll talk when he's dead! (STRANGLES BART) Just break already!
Bart_Simpson: (RELIEVED NOISE, THEN WARMLY) Thanks, Dad.
Homer_Simpson: (WARMLY) Son, you and I are gonna be closer than ever as we spend the rest of our lives suing that therapist.
Dr._Zander: Sue me for what? My home in a hollowed-out tree?
Homer_Simpson: (CONTENTED SIGH) Pretty sweet, eh boy?
Bart_Simpson: Y'know, I was skeptical, but I guess therapy works.


Homer_Simpson: All day long they tell me stupid, pointless, boring stories, and I have to stand there listening with a phony grin plastered on my face.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh-huh.
Kirk_Van_Houten: Well, Homer, you're safe here. You can forget everything they said.
Homer_Simpson: When I look at you -- all I see are the foibles that drive your women crazy! Foibles! Foibles! FOIBLES!
Moe_Szyslak: Calm down there, Homer.
Moe_Szyslak: What got into him?
Moe_Szyslak: Freaky ad campaign they're running.


Homer_Simpson: Yeah, isn't this place great? If you're single you can come here every night.
Ned_Flanders: I don't wanna come here. Last time I did, someone slipped me a Mickey and wrote "CHURCHY JOE" on my face.
Moe_Szyslak: It's your own fault. You gotta read the coaster.
Ned_Flanders: Oh my.
Homer_Simpson: Ned, let's cut to the chase.
Ned_Flanders: Yeah, let me guess. You're probably gonna do something boneheaded like try to talk me outta seein' Edna.
Homer_Simpson: Ned, if it's boneheaded to talk you outta seein' Edna, then I don't wanna be brainheaded.
Ned_Flanders: Homer, listen to me. For a long time now I've been lookin' over the fence at that wonderful relationship you have with Marge. Then I remember what it was like to have a sweet woman of my own lying in a twin bed across the hall from mine. (CONTINUING)
Ned_Flanders: Someone to hold the other end of the sheet when I fold it up. (WISTFUL) Someone to put in my prayers.
Homer_Simpson: (CHOKED UP) Oh Ned, I never dreamed that beneath those iddilies and diddilies there was a dude.
Ned_Flanders: That's right. And like any man, I put on my secret Christian underpants one leg at a time.
Homer_Simpson: (SOBS) Oh, you beautiful, beautiful wuss.
Homer_Simpson: (MOVED) Ned, I have a confession to make: I may not have come here solely with the noble intention of getting drunk. But now, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you and Edna the best.
Homer_Simpson: Fellow barflies! To Ned Flanders and Edna Krabappel!
Barney_Gumble: What a fox!
Carl_Carlson: Yes! To Edna!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, that broad is some dame!
Ned_Flanders: (SURPRISED) You all know Edna?
Barney_Gumble: Oh yeah, man!
Carl_Carlson: Everybody knows Edna.
Seymour_Skinner: (HOLDING TWO-THIRDS-EMPTY BEER MUG) We made sweet music in the band room, poetry during English class, and you don't wanna know what we did in the multi-purpose room.
Homer_Simpson: (TO SKINNER AND BARFLIES) Shut up.
Comic_Book_Guy: My email address is Edna-lover-one-seventy-two. It was the lowest number I could get!
Homer_Simpson: (SOTTO) Guys, quit telling the truth!
Joey_Kramer: Yeah, Edna's amazing.
Ned_Flanders: Joey Kramer? The drummer from Aerosmith?
Joey_Kramer: Yup, that's me! And after a night with Edna, I couldn't walk this way, that way, or any other way. Ooh la la!
Ned_Flanders: Wait... you've all (GULPS) plucked a peach from her tree?
Homer_Simpson: Um... uh... (ATTEMPTING TO CHANGE SUBJECT) So uh, Joey, is Wikipedia accurate when it says "Walk This Way" was inspired by "Young Frankenstein?"
Ned_Flanders: Well Homer, you really put one over on old stupid Flanders, here. (SADLY) Thanks a lot, neighbor.
Homer_Simpson: Don't you mean "neighboreeno?"
Ned_Flanders: No. Just plain neighbor.
Homer_Simpson: You stupid jerks! I can't believe you could be so cruel! Especially you, Joey Kramer!


Lenny_Leonard: Wow -- I can't believe Homer bagged the tiger!
Wayne: Excuse me, I need to use the...
Homer_Simpson: (CUTTING IN) Men's room? Oh my god! We're completing each other's...
Homer_Simpson: (PROMPTING) Completing each other's... sen... ten... (REALLY DRAWING IT OUT) cesss...
Snake_Jailbird: Totally surprising entrance!
Snake_Jailbird: Hand over your cash and jewelry! Pronto!
Moe_Szyslak: Okay now, don't want no trouble. Let me just get my cash out of my cash drawer here.
Moe_Szyslak: Just, uh, linin' up all the Presidents nice and neat... ain't tryin' to be no hero (CHUCKLES)...
Moe_Szyslak: (NERVOUS CHUCKLE THEN QUICKLY) Here you go.
Snake_Jailbird: Thanks for the upgrade. Ha-ha!
Homer_Simpson: (AMAZED) Wayne?
Wayne: (COMMANDING) Stand back, Homer! I know what I'm doing.
Lenny_Leonard: Well, we all know what we're doing. The question is, is it an appropriate reaction to the situation?
Snake_Jailbird: (EXASPERATED NOISE) Drunks are sooo boring!
Moe_Szyslak: (ANGUISHED SCREAM) My fresco! That's coming out of your stealings!
Moe_Szyslak: (FURIOUS TO JAILBIRD) That's comin' out of your stealings!
Homer_Simpson: Wayne, maybe it's the me being still alive talking, but I think you're awesome.
Wayne: I'm just a guy who saw what needed to be done and did it.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, speakin' of which, let's get these eggs back in a jar.
Moe_Szyslak: Wow, that's the farthest that one of my eggs ever made it down someone's throat!
Narrator: Then the barflies drank too much.
Narrator: The boy came to get his father.
Narrator: And they drove home.


Homer_Simpson: I'm telling you guys, Roz told Old Man Burns I ditched work early and now I'm her assistant.
Lenny_Leonard: I dunno, Homer. You're sayin' she's nice on the outside, but mean on the inside? No one could pull that off!
Moe_Szyslak: Enjoy. And as for you, Homer, don't worry. You're at Moe's tavern -- lady-free since eighty-three.
Homer_Simpson: What the-- (STANDING) This is a gentleman's club!
Barney_Gumble: Yeah. (BELCHES)
Roz: So, what you boys drinkin'? I'm buyin'.
Lenny_Leonard: Can we just have the cash value of the drink?
Carl_Carlson: I'd rather use my money to buy a Moe souvenir t-shirt.
Moe_Szyslak: That comes in kid sizes too.


Homer_Simpson: We're not here for you, we're here for Lenny.
Moe_Szyslak: I wouldn't join one of your hare-brained schemes for all the Japanese girlfriend pillows in Kyoto!
Lenny_Leonard: Sorry, guys. I just adopted a Capuchin monkey and I can't leave it alone during the bonding phase.
Moe_Szyslak: (DESPERATE) Wait, wait, wait, wait, I want in! What does your crew need? A safecracker? A wheel man?
Homer_Simpson: The caper is writing a kids' fantasy novel.
Moe_Szyslak: (SHEEPISH) Well, I don't like to brag about it, but I did publish five modestly successful children's books.
Bart_Simpson: All we need now is a computer guy...
Seymour_Skinner: "...and so, Lucinda placed the fifth shard in the stained-glass window, which now clearly read: 'your parents are alive.' Gregor turned to his twin sister and they both understood: their journey was just beginning. The end."
Bart_Simpson: It's good. "Weekly Reader Star Selection" good.
Homer_Simpson: I just hope we put in enough steampunk, whatever that is.
Professor_Jonathan_Frink: Who wants to see my cover (FRINK-Y) mock-up?!
Homer_Simpson: (READING TITLE) "The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy."
Neil_Gaiman: I'm so proud of us.
Bart_Simpson: Oh, you didn't write any of it!
Neil_Gaiman: (DEFENSIVE) That tuna didn't salad itself!
Homer_Simpson: Gentlemen! To "The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy!"
Homer_Simpson: So, does this square us for Kansas City?
Bart_Simpson: Square as "Golden Books," Pop.
Lisa_Simpson: What happened to me? In one vulnerable moment I became the thing I hated most -- a literary fraud.
Bart_Simpson: But Lis, when this book comes out, you'll be beloved! Not just by Milhouses, you'll get attention from Jacksons, Xanders -- even Aidens!
Lisa_Simpson: (DREAMY) Aww, I've always wanted an Aiden...
Seymour_Skinner: Here it is: an advance copy.
Patty_Bouvier: "The Vampire Twins Of Transylvania Prep?!" Where's the trolls?
Professor_Jonathan_Frink: The trolls are now vampires, the Brooklyn Bridge is now a castle, and Fuzzlepitch is now Bloodball! Oh! Weak! Weak! And lame!
Homer_Simpson: How could the publishers change our book? If they had been in charge of the Sistine Chapel, the whole thing would be vampires -- instead of the pope's private naked dude mural!


Krusty_the_Clown: (HEMS AND HAWS) When you said... (NERVOUS LAUGH)
Moe_Szyslak: I'm payin' extra for this channel? Hasn't been good since "The Wire." Aw, who am I kiddin'? I never watched "The Wire." Had to bluff my way through so many conversations.
Krusty_the_Clown: Well, Annie, I think you know my answer.


Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. I keep meaning to switch things around, but this place is always a crime scene.
Lenny: (CARL VOICE) I'm Carl.
Carl: (LENNY VOICE) Don't you remember? You came to the brain-switching ceremony.
Carll": Because I wanted to get back together with my wife, who was sleeping with Carl at the time.
Lenny: Turns out she had switched brains with a monkey on a Japanese game show. And it just got weirder from there.
Carll": I found it quite normal. Anyway, if you're looking for your Dad. He took the kids to see his Dad.
Bart_Simpson: Thanks. (DASHES OUT)
Lennyy": Hey Moe, get me another beer!
Carl: Quit makin' me fat!


Carl_Carlson: Is it a little weird how much he cries?
Lenny_Leonard: No way. When a guy who loves America cries, it makes him super straight!


Homer_Simpson: (TIPSY) Man, this website makes talking drunk to my wife so much safer.
Homer_Simpson: I am sitting here... zero sheets to the wind... (SNEAKY CHUCKLE)
Homer_Simpson: (HOMER VOICE, BUT DIGNIFIED) ...counting the moments to closing time when I can stumble home to you. Another round, Moe. Uh-oh. Did I type that? (PANICKY) Delete! Delete! (THOUGHTFUL) Hm, typing "delete" does not delete.


Homer_Simpson: ...and that's why I really don't believe there's a God. Thank you, and God bless America.
Mayor_Joe_Quimby: (ANNOYED) You were only supposed to lead us in the Pledge of Allegiance.
Homer_Simpson: Well I'm pretty sure it was in there somewhere.
Mayor_Joe_Quimby: Now, let me conclude by thanking Moe the Bartender for hosting this meeting while City Hall is fumigated for bedbugs.
Ned_Flanders: (PUZZLED) Bedbugs? Just why is there a bed in City Hall?
Mayor_Joe_Quimby: Er, uh, meeting adjourned!
Lenny_Leonard: This is so convenient! I can go straight from doin' my civic duty to having a beer with my best friend Carl!
Duffman: And I can toss back a Duff Sangre de los Muertos with my best friend: Mexican Duffman!
Mexican_Duffman: ("OH YEAH"!) Ho-la!
Carl_Carlson: Hey Moe, who's your best friend?
Moe_Szyslak: Uh...
Moe_Szyslak: Well... uh... well, I just made friends with Pepto-Bismol on Facebook and uh... um... (CHANGING SUBJECT) Hey, would ya look at that? There's a spot on the bar!
Moe_Szyslak: Come on! (INTENSE SCRUBBING NOISES)
Lenny_Leonard: You know what? I think Moe's best friend is really that bar rag!
Bart_Simpson: (HARDY LAUGH) That's even sadder than being friends with Milhouse!
Milhouse_Van_Houten: (STARTS TO CHUCKLE, THEN, UNHAPPY) Y'know something, Bart? I'm getting tired of things like that.
Bart_Simpson: Tired of what? I dump on you, and you take it -- that's how friendship works.
Milhouse_Van_Houten: Not anymore. (ICE COLD) Friendship over.
Milhouse_Van_Houten: Taxi!
Bart_Simpson: What gives? He's not crawlin' back.
Lisa_Simpson: Even a kid who wears a "Finding Nemo" back brace has some pride. You went too far this time, Bart.
Sadistic_Barfly: Hey, Moe! I got a job here for your "best friend," the bar rag.
The_Rich_Texan: Me too! (LAUGHS)
Homer_Simpson: Witty. (CHUCKLES)
Lenny_Leonard: Great meeting though.
Bar_Rag: Yes, that's right, everyone laugh at the rag. (DRAMATIC, "KING LEAR") But I was not always this be-stainèd swatch you see before you. Oh no, gentles. We begin in early medieval France...
Bar_Rag: (VERY SELF-SATISFIED) That tapestry was me.
Sponge: Right, and I was the Gutenberg Bible.
Bartholomé: Maman, we have failed to grow.
Lise: We've had too little food!
Marguerite: (ANNOYED) Is it too little food or too much complaining?
Lise: Maman, you are overstressed. You need a vacation. Perhaps to the South of France.
Marguerite: We're in the South of France!
Bar_Rag: (PLEASED NOISE) Well, that helps.
Bar_Rag: So to recap: I had been unjustly torn from my lofty perch.
Bar_Rag: I wound up as a barter in Persia...
Lenny_Leonard: Y'know, Moe, it might be time to buy a new bar rag.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, yeah, sure thing, I'll get right on it.
Moe_Szyslak: No way I would abandon you, Raggie.
Moe_Szyslak: (EMOTIONAL SOB) You're my best friend.
Moe_Szyslak: So, I guess you didn't eat that "special cheese" that I gave you yesterday, huh? (CHUCKLES)
Bar_Rag: My degradation continued.
Bar_Rag: An enterprising seamstress turned me into the flag of a fledgling nation.
Bar_Rag: Unfortunately, a nation on the wrong side of history.
Bar_Rag: (SIGHS) And now my thousand-year fall from grace is complete. I guess I should be happy here, with my sad, but predictable...
Bar_Rag: (STARTLED NOISES) Moe! Moe! Wake up! Oh no, I don't want to find out what's worse than you!


Homer_Simpson: So you guys have any luck finding a new job?
Lenny_Leonard: Does it look like I've got a job?
Carl_Carlson: No, I didn't.
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, show a little more sensitivity around these jobless washouts, huh?
Homer_Simpson: Hey, I've gotta tell ya, I'm miserable there. I'm all alone; and when there's some problem due to human error, guess who gets blamed?
Lenny_Leonard: Hey, Homer. You know what I'm playing for ya?
Lenny_Leonard: The World's Smallest Violin. And now I gotta sell it just to make my rent.
Lenny_Leonard: Oh my God! (WORRIED) Where's the bow? I can't sell it without the bow!
Moe_Szyslak: Easy, easy there, Lenny. You can always play it pizzicato.
Lenny_Leonard: The buyer clearly specified violin and bow!
Homer_Simpson: Maybe I should be heading home.
Lenny_Leonard: (ANGUISHED) Oh no, he stepped on the bow!
Moe_Szyslak: Boy, this place has gotten so grim. I'm gonna do something I've never done: make myself a drink.
Moe_Szyslak: (ARGUING WITH HIMSELF) You call this beer? This is watered-down swill! You got a problem? Well here's the complaint department!
Moe_Szyslak: You know what I think, Moe? I think You ain't got the guts!
Moe_Szyslak: Missed!


Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer. I could hear your pathetic rationalizing through the door.
Homer_Simpson: Well, why can't I hang out at the bar all day? My wife doesn't wanna be with me.
Moe_Szyslak: Look, I'd love to discuss your problems but a pack of raccoons took over my back room and today's the day I make my stand.
Moe_Szyslak: (STRUGGLING NOISES, THEN) There's more than I thought!


Moe_Szyslak: Eh, you know, in this town, you learn to adjust to things. Runaway monorails... NASCAR star Jeff Gordon...
Jeff_Gordon: Hey, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey. Bet we never see him again.
Barney_Gumble: I'm gonna call it a day, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey, hey, hey! That plank's only for comin' in!
Moe_Szyslak: (GENTLY) Try to land on the other traitors.
Chief_Wiggum: People of Springfield, please be cool like Lou.
Lou: Yo.
Chief_Wiggum: We will eliminate one eyesore with another, by bulldozing our tire fire right into the sinkhole.
Marge_Simpson: But my car is down there!
Mayor_Joe_Quimby: For the first time my administration has solved a problem. The hole has been filled by the thing it fears most: stuff!
Marge_Simpson: I can't believe we're never going to have another child... (SNIFFLES)
Lenny_Leonard: Is everything okay over here?
Homer_Simpson: Sorry guys. Private family moment.
Marge_Simpson: (TIPSY) No, s'okay. We can share this with you... Homer can't make a baby because he nuked his swimmers.
Lenny_Leonard: (SYMPATHETIC) Aw, that's a shame.
Carl_Carlson: (NODS) Yeah. That's why I wrap my plums in tin foil every day.
Homer_Simpson: (PHILOSOPHIC) Eh, nothing we can do.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer... what if you got back one of those samples you sold years ago at the Shelbyville Sperm Bank?
Marge_Simpson: (STUNNED) You never told me about that.
Homer_Simpson: (ADMITTING) It's true... that's how I got the money to buy you your necklace.
Marge_Simpson: Awww... (THEN) Eww... (REALIZING) Homie! We still have a chance!
Homer_Simpson: I, uh, hope it's twins!


Carl_Carlson: So, uh, what are you gonna do with the money, Homer?
Homer_Simpson: Well, thought bubble Marge said we should put it in a college fund for Lisa.
Lenny_Leonard: So where's the money now?
Homer_Simpson: I put it in the bank. That place is great! On their wall, they had a photo with an old couple walking on the beach with their pants rolled up.
Carl_Carlson: Uh, Homer, we all wanna walk on the beach with our pants rolled up, but, uh, banks are not as safe as they used to be.
Lenny_Leonard: Yeah, when you give the bank your money, they lend it to other people! I saw a Sesame Street about it! Kermit was wearing his trench coat and everything!
Homer_Simpson: Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit too?
Lenny_Leonard: All the frogs on that show are Kermit. Keeps all the other frog actors out of work.
Homer_Simpson: That settles it. No banks for me.
Moe_Szyslak: I'll tell you where you should put your money. The one safe place left in this world of woe:
Homer_Simpson: What the--? I'm not gonna gamble with my daughter's future.
Moe_Szyslak: Nah, you don't have to bet the money. The poker website just keeps it nice and safe, where the FDIC can't get its grubby little hands on it!
Homer_Simpson: A poker site is now safer than an American bank. Has our nation, built on people suing because their onion rings were too hot, come to this?
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't you badmouth this country. Compared to the rest of the third world, we're doin' great!


Lenny_Leonard: So you're saying you'd rather do the prettiest dude in the world rather than the ugliest broad?
Carl_Carlson: Absolutely. But how did we get here from discussing Aristotle's Poetics?
Moe_Szyslak: Well, well, if it isn't Mr. "Work Comes Before Bowling."
Homer_Simpson: (TO DAN) I am turning my back, because I can't stand to look you in the face.
Moe_Szyslak: (EXPLAINING) Part of my new rice wine promotion.
Moe_Szyslak: So, now you think you can just waltz in here and buy everybody a beer?
Dan_Gillick: I didn't say that I would...
Moe_Szyslak: (CUTTING HIM OFF) Too late, already poured.
Dan_Gillick: (SIGHS) Sorry guys -- I got the kind of job that you just can't play hooky from.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, I have no idea what you do or who you work with, but I am sure if you put your foot down on their throats and grind until you hear a crunch, they'll sit up straight.
Dan_Gillick: Really? You're sure about this?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, hey, listen, I've learned a lot about human nature by watching things through secret cameras.
Dan_Gillick: Uh-huh. All right, then. Okay, we'll see about that bread dipping. Thank you. Thank you for giving me an attitude. Thank you for giving me an edge.
Moe_Szyslak: Or maybe it's groveling that works. Eh, six of one.


Moe_Szyslak: What's wrong, Homer? You've got an expression on your face I ain't never seen before. Like one of them Charlie Brown wiggle-frowns.
Homer_Simpson: I'm in an abusive relationship with life. It keeps beating the hell out of me, and I'm too cowardly to leave it. (SIGHS) Maybe I could drink myself to death.
Moe_Szyslak: Eh, well, you can't. Your tolerance is too high.
Dejected_Barfly: (A LITTLE SLURRED) Man, I've never seen Homer looking this bad.
Moe_Szyslak: (LOOKING AT HOMER) You're right. He needs some professional help...
Duffman: Ooh, someone is down in the Duff!
Homer_Simpson: (SAD) Life is too fragile. One minute you're lying in your hammock drinkin' beer, the next thing you know you're sittin' here drinkin' beer.
Duffman: Homer, your bleak outlook has sent a smooth, icy chill down... (DROPPING CHARACTER) Screw it, I quit.
Duffman: (TO DUFF GIRLS) Janette, Cheryl, get your own ride home.
Homer_Simpson: Aw, come on Chief, I've had a rotten day. Can't you help me out?
Chief_Wiggum: Sorry, I'm afraid the most I can do is pretend to drive you home. (À LA IMPROV COMIC) Okay, now hop on my imaginary motorcycle... arms around my belly...
Chief_Wiggum: (MOTORCYCLE NOISES) ...um, I'm gonna need you to chip in for gas...
Chief_Wiggum: (THREATENING) This is where the pretending ends.
Moe_Szyslak: Here ya go, Homer. Boy, y'know, when you're just here alone, I can really smell ya.
Homer_Simpson: But I'm not alone. I'm doing some Face Time with Lenny.
Lenny_Leonard: It's like I'm skydiving with all my friends! Lemme text Carl.
Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, what are you pullin' the ripcord with?
Lenny_Leonard: Uh-oh. Maybe there's a ripcord app I can use.
Moe_Szyslak: Huh. Looks like you're really turning somethin' over in your mind there, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: Moe, I could believe this was a random occurrence, or I could believe some higher power reached down and squeezed the sap outta that tree. I'm choosin' hope! Moe, a bottle of your finest beer!
Moe_Szyslak: Here you go. Duff Adequate.
Homer_Simpson: To hope! (DRINKS HAPPILY)
Moe_Szyslak: Wow, no one's ever been happy in this place before. And when I started it was Moe's Ice Cream Carnival. Not good.
Kent_Brockman: A hundred dollar bill for anyone who will give me the truth behind this so-called miracle tree.
Moe_Szyslak: I'll take your money. The tree's a fraud.
Moe_Szyslak: (VERY HAPPY) I just got a hundred! The tree is real! (TO BROCKMAN) What you got against hope, anyway?
Barney_Gumble: I bet something disillusioned you as a child.
7-Year-Old_Brockman: This is junior reporter Kenny Brockelstein investigating the stories that kids want to know...
7-Year-Old_Brockman: (YOUNG, BUT SERIOUS) Mr. Mouse, how come you haven't been in any funny cartoons since nineteen thirty-three?
Short_Man: (GRUFF) I'm on a break, kid. And when I'm on a break, the mouse is dead.
Kent_Brockman: (MUTTERING) The mouse was a man. His teeth were yellow, his breath was rancid, my innocence was lost in a plywood castle.
Barney_Gumble: The castle is plywood? (UPSET NOISE)
Man_With_Tree_Hat: It was all a hoax!
Tree_Hoper: Let's burn our hats!
Crowd: Hope is dead! Burn our hats!
Moe_Szyslak: Thank God there's no alcohol in this bar or this place would really go up.


Homer_Simpson: (GASPS) What happened here?
Moe_Szyslak: I don't know. Everything crappy about this place they like! Even the rats!
Pretentious_Rat_Lover: More manchego, Aziz?


Homer_Simpson: (SADLY) I guess despite all our so-called civilization, anarchy lurks around every corner, like a racially-diverse street gang on a network cop show.
Lloyd: My friend, you just experienced W.R.O.L. first hand.
Moe_Szyslak: (MAD) Hey, hey! Read the sign, pal.
Moe_Szyslak: "No acronyms!" (TO BARFLIES) And that goes for the rest of you, too!
Larry: Okay, okay.
Moe_Szyslak: (PULLS OUT SHOTGUN) In this bar we say "Old Kinderhook!"
Lenny_Leonard: (TO LLOYD) What's W.R.O.L.?
Lloyd: It means "without the rule of law." Anarchy. The end of civilization. Coming soon to an America near you.
Homer_Simpson: America can't collapse! We're as powerful as ancient Rome!
Lloyd: Take a look at this.
Narrator: The modern world. An inexorable march of progress.
Homer_Simpson: Sweet.
Narrator: (OMINOUS) Or is it?
Dr._Eugene_Blatz: We're slaves to the system. Close the supermarket, and we starve. Cut off the tap, we drink our cat's blood.
Narrator: Who will survive in this new world?
Narrator: The man who is prepared.
Homer_Simpson: Oh my God! This unsourced, undated video has convinced me beyond any doubt!
Lloyd: (CLOSES PHONE) And I'm the guy you wanna know when the stuff hits the fan.
Carl_Carlson: Hey, man. No need to almost swear.
Lloyd: Come with me.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, Homer's gone. Let's all go into our suspended state till he gets back.


Moe_Szyslak: Well, in my case my Mom was hit with a voodoo curse, I gestated for five years, then I popped out backwards and on fire.
Bart_Simpson: (SKEPTICAL) Really?
Moe_Szyslak: (NODS) Keep my tail right here in this jar.
Moe_Szyslak: Good times.


Moe_Szyslak: Acquitted?! Then my nightmare isn't over? (SOBS)


Marge_Simpson: (HOPEFUL) In-ground?


Homer_Simpson: (MOANS) Moe, can you think of a way to please a woman that starts with "f"?
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, you know, it's funny you should mention that. I've been readin' that "Fifty Shades of Grey" and it turns out that what chicks want now is a guy to give 'em what-for in the bedroom there.
Homer_Simpson: Woo hoo! I'll woo her with woo-hoo!
Moe_Szyslak: Ah y'know, if this is what women like, I should be a lot more popular. But it does inspire me to work on my fan fiction.
Moe_Szyslak: "Sheriff Andy took Barney in his arms and kissed him deeply, then said: (IMITATING ANDY GRIFFITH, BUT STERN) 'now if Aunt Bee asks, we were down at the fishin' hole'." (MOE VOICE) I can't be the only one who likes this.


Carl_Carlson: Wooden!
Lenny_Leonard: Plastic!
Carl_Carlson: Wooden!
Lenny_Leonard: Plastic!
Carl_Carlson: (FRUSTRATED) Why do we always argue over coffee stirrers?
Rev._Hooper: You know what's really stirring? Live local theater.
Moe_Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Before I let a Holy Joe walk in this bar, I've gotta know which of the two true faiths you represent.
Rev._Hooper: Well, I represent an easy-going offshoot of Protestantism.
Moe_Szyslak: (PULLS OUT A SHOTGUN) That is the wrong thing to say to a snake handler.
Lenny_Leonard: Easy Moe, easy!
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, this thing's just loaded with rock salt. I just use it to keep raccoons outta my fridge. And of course to coat the rims of my margarita glasses.
Homer_Simpson: Padre, can I be honest with you? I've sucked every church book ribbon there is hoping to find one made of cherry. But there isn't.
Homer_Simpson: And if it's such a (AIR QUOTES) "Good Book," how come there's no blurbs on the back? Not even David Sedaris? And he'll flack anything!
Homer_Simpson: Seriously, "Pews?"
Rev._Hooper: Homer, I love your passion. It's terrific, it's really something. Listen -- I'm just thinking -- would you consider being my deacon?
Homer_Simpson: Deacon? (SUSPICIOUS) Is that like one of those weird Catholic Priest things?
Rev._Hooper: No, not at all. It's like a sexton, or a rector.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, now we're talkin'. But why me?
Rev._Hooper: Because if I can get the man who sleeps through church to be my guy, this town will know that religion can be fun.
Homer_Simpson: Well I'm not one for taking new jobs on a whim. But as we say in the snow plow business, "I'm your astronaut"!


Homer_Simpson: ...so I stayed up for the last eighty-seven hours watching all my shows.
Homer_Simpson: Nothin's gonna delete these!
Moe_Szyslak: (SERIOUS, SAD) Guys, there's somethin' I wanna tell ya. Somethin' important.
Lenny_Leonard: (MID-CONVERSATION) So who do you like, the Padres or the Tigers? I'm not talkin' about baseball, I'm asking if a priest can beat a big cat in a death match in some kind of polygon.
Carl_Carlson: Hexa- or octa-?
Lenny_Leonard: Only one way to decide: arm wrestling.
Moe_Szyslak: (SADLY MUTTERING TO HIMSELF) Who am I kiddin'? They don't care about me.
Moe_Szyslak: Suicide. Finally. I'm really doin' it. No more cries for (LOUDLY) helllp! (NORMAL) 'Cause this time there's no one that's gonna (LOUD) save me! (NORMAL) I mean, it's not like (LOUD) I'm beggin' ya, please, please show me some love! (QUIET) Yeah, it's nothin' like that. (SMALL SOB)
Moe_Szyslak: Eh, maybe I should call. Give one of the new kids a chance to talk to the legend.
Warm_Female_Voice: Hello, you have reached the Buzz Cola Suicide Hotline.
Warm_Female_Voice: (RECORDED) Our options have changed, so please listen carefully.
Warm_Female_Voice: State the reason you are committing suicide.
Moe_Szyslak: (THOUGHTFUL) Nothin' to live for.
Warm_Female_Voice: You said, "business problems." Is that correct?
Moe_Szyslak: No! I got nothin' and no one!
Warm_Female_Voice: You said, "face sucked off by vacuum cleaner." Is that correct?
Moe_Szyslak: (SOBS) No! No! Help me! Help!
Warm_Female_Voice: If your face is in the vacuum cleaner bag, press "one."
Moe_Szyslak: I just wanna talk to a human being!
Warm_Female_Voice: Please hold for our next available life-extension agent.
Male_Singers: SUICIDE IS PAINLESS / IT BRINGS ON MANY CHANGES / AND I CAN--
Moe_Szyslak: That tears it! No more delays!
Moe_Szyslak: (VULNERABLE) Hello?
Bart_Simpson: Hi, I'm looking for a Mister Ron -- first name Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Moe-ron? (REALIZING) Moron! It's you, you little puke... I am gonna tie a rope around your neck and hang-- (CHOKING NOISES)
Moe_Szyslak: I'll show you who's a... (DYING) moron.
Lenny_Leonard: ...and that's why libraries use newspaper rods.
Homer_Simpson: I know C.P.R.
Homer_Simpson: I took a class where you do chest compressions to a Bee Gees song.
Homer_Simpson: (SINGING/PUSHING) HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE... HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE...
Lenny_Leonard: Are you sure it wasn't "Stayin' Alive?"
Homer_Simpson: Too on the nose. (SINGING) I REALLY NEED TO LEARN / 'CAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN A WORLD OF FOOLS...
Moe_Szyslak: (SINGING) BREAKING US DOWN...
Moe_Szyslak: (SINGING) WHEN THEY ALL SHOULD LET US BE... WE BELONG TO YOU AND ME...
Moe_Szyslak: (SINGS) I BELIEVE IN YOUSE... (SITS UP) you guys, you saved me! You do care!
Homer_Simpson: Now wait a minute. Gotta make sure you're okay. Who's the president now?
Moe_Szyslak: Some jerk.
Homer_Simpson: He's back!
Moe_Szyslak: And I really wanna thank you all. You gave me a new lease on life, and I'm gonna take this opportunity to...
Moe_Szyslak: (SIGHS) What's the point?... same ol' stinkin' world... ah, this post-suicide afterglow gets shorter every time!
Marge_Simpson: Homer Simpson!
Homer_Simpson: (TERRIFIED NOISE) The woman I love!
Marge_Simpson: I sent you to the store to get applesauce for Maggie two hours ago!
Homer_Simpson: Well, uh, I was just leaving, but Moe... had an accident.
Marge_Simpson: What kind of accident?
Moe_Szyslak: (EMBARRASSED) I... uh... may have tried to end it all. Wasn't even good at that.
Moe_Szyslak: Excuse me, will you? (CHOKED-UP NOISE)
Marge_Simpson: That poor man. We've got to do something to change his life.
Lenny_Leonard: We could write on his face when he passes out.
Carl_Carlson: (CHUCKLE) That's always good for a laugh.
Marge_Simpson: No, no, it has to be something big that'll change his whole outlook. (SNAPS FINGERS) Why don't we take Moe on a road trip?
Moe_Szyslak: (REENTERING) Oh, that, hey, that's really sweet. Hey, can Noosey come too?
Marge_Simpson: (GENTLY) Moe, this trip is about turning your life around.
Lenny_Leonard: With the three desperate barflies that you see every day.
Marge_Simpson: Maybe I should come too.
Moe_Szyslak: Four guys, a chick and a noose. Just like the movies I like to watch.
Moe_Szyslak: This dump is too filthy for a man with a positive worldview. I'm gonna start cleaning!
Moe_Szyslak: (GROWING EXCITEMENT) Dirt... carpet... another layer of dirt... Congoleum... hardwood?! The perfect floor for doin' a happy jig!
Moe_Szyslak: And now to light up the sign and let the world know that the new improved Moe is open for business.
Moe_Szyslak: Wow, non-losers?! I Never thought I'd see the day... Gentlemen, what can I getcha?
Glen: We'll take anything you've got aged fifteen years or more.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, I do have this bourbon that I brewed myself. It'll either be the best thing you ever had or the last thing you'll ever have.
Ken: Wow! (LOOKS AT GLEN) Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Glen: (NODS) Moe, we're venture capitalists. (FAST) We turn dreams into money that mostly goes to us, but you get a little.
Moe_Szyslak: (EXCITED) Tell me more!
Ken: How many bottles of this Kentucky Kool Aid do you have?
Moe_Szyslak: Just the one, but I could whip up two or three hundred thousand more.
Glen: Moe, you've got a great product, a fantastic suit, and we're gonna give you everything you need.
Ken: Startup money. Branding specialists.
Glen: Corporate jets. Private drivers. If your feet touch the ground, we've failed.
Moe_Szyslak: This is all so sudden.
Moe_Szyslak: Now it's not. I'm in.
Glen: Only one more thing we need to do.
Ken: Check this out with our focus group.
Barney_Gumble: (TIPSY) Glad you're back, Moe. Least I don't have to train a new bartender to make what I like... beer to the top.
Moe_Szyslak: (TO RAFTER, COMFORTING) Not today, old friend. But don't worry, holidays are just around the corner.


Moe_Szyslak: Homer, I recommend getting drunk on my most expensive beer: Duff Platinum.
Moe_Szyslak: What the? But I used the best label paste.
Homer_Simpson: Those two hairs were what was left of my youth, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, come on, there's sexy bald like... uh... Babar, king of the elephants. I read his books as a kid. (CONFIDENTIAL) He married his cousin, Celeste. (BEAT) That was my takeaway.
Homer_Simpson: Those royal elephants have trainers to keep 'em in shape. Average schmoe like me, forget it.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, let me see how bald you are.
Moe_Szyslak: (CAN'T-BELIEVE-HOW-BALD-HE-IS NOISE) Dear Lord. Here. You need this more than I do.
Moe_Szyslak: Just what exactly is this good for?


Homer_Simpson: (EXCITED) Guys, this science exhibit that told me how stupid it is to play the lottery.
Moe_Szyslak: (WORRIED) So you didn't buy our weekly ticket?
Homer_Simpson: ("DUH") Are you nuts? You can't win if you don't play.
Carl_Carlson: Hey, it's time. Turn it on! Turn it on!
Homer_Simpson: Four lucky numbers for four best friends.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I always go with three -- the number of brothers and sisters I, uh, "Hunger Games'd", in the womb.
Lenny_Leonard: Nineteen for me! And for the best year of my life: nineteen ninety-six.
Carl_Carlson: My number's twenty-two. No reason. Just twenty-two.
Homer_Simpson: And I'm sixty-nine, because people always laugh when you say sixty-nine. No one knows why.
Kent_Brockman: And the winning numbers are... three, nineteen, twenty-two and sixty-nine. (KNOWING CHUCKLE)
Lenny_Leonard: Oh my gosh... we won. We won the Springfield lottery!
Moe_Szyslak: That's two hundred grand! That's fifty thousand bucks each!
Carl_Carlson: Guys, guys, we gotta celebrate! Throw a ragin' party! I'll cash the ticket, Homer, Homer, you get the food--
Homer_Simpson: (EXCITED GASP) I'll get mini-dumpsters of wings from Garbage Wings!
Moe_Szyslak: And Lenny, you get the drinks!
Lenny_Leonard: But we're already at a bar.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, no, ah, that's just gasoline and hot dog water.
Carl_Carlson: Who cares? We got the money! (SOBS) I'm so happy! (MORE SOBS) I'm so happy!
Homer_Simpson: To the best feeling in the world -- money.
Homer_Simpson: Guys, I got big plans for these winnings. I'm going to build... a swimming pool.
Homer_Simpson: So freaking far in the ground, baby.
Lenny_Leonard: What about you, Carl? What are you gonna do with your share of the money?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh... I guess Carl ain't back yet from cashin' in the ticket.
Lenny_Leonard: I'm sure he just got held up in traffic.
Homer_Simpson: Yeah, that's probably what happened.
Lenny_Leonard: I wonder what's keeping Carl?
Homer_Simpson: I hope our friend wasn't in an accident.
Moe_Szyslak: I'm glad we're the kind of people who are worried about Carl's safety instead of thinking that he ripped us off.
Homer_Simpson: I wasn't thinking that! Carl's our good friend.
Lenny_Leonard: Our good friend!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, good old Carl.
Moe_Szyslak: (TENSE) Good old Carl's phone went straight to voicemail. Again.
Lou: This could not be more offensive. Man!
Lou: (SICKENED) Oh, of course. (DISGUSTED NOISE)
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey, get that outta here! I don't ever want to see that moolah-stealing jackpot-thief again!
Homer_Simpson: Wait a minute! Something's reflected in the lenses of Carl's sunglasses!
Homer_Simpson: I just need to get closer.
Homer_Simpson: He's looking at a geyser! And there's a sign in front of it!
Homer_Simpson: (SMALL FRUSTRATED NOISE) It's too small to read.
Lenny_Leonard: (DISAPPOINTED) It's backwards.
Moe_Szyslak: Try this.
Lenny_Leonard: (READING) "Strokkur Geysir."


Moe_Szyslak: Glad you're back, buddy. You've got a lot of catching up to do.
Homer_Simpson: (NOISE OF PAIN, THEN) Can I just get a glass of water?
Moe_Szyslak: Water?! That stuff killed my grandmother!
Moe_Szyslak: So sad.


Singers: Don't got no candy, I only serve beer, and who said that you could bring minors in here?
Fat_In_The_Hat: Your peanuts are pawed through, your beer smells like skunk. And you just pissed off the wrong fat, furry drunk.
Moe_Szyslak: (UPSET) Hey, hey, hey! (NO RHYME) This is supposed to be a children's story!
Moe_Szyslak: (TO KIDS) Go grab all his money and vodka and gin. And I'll knit a nice thnord from his leathery skin.


Homer_Simpson: Marmaduke was horrible today! Also, Marge is in therapy and she didn't even tell me!
Moe_Szyslak: Whoa. She has crossed a line. How did you find out?
Homer_Simpson: Spied on her with a hidden camera. (SIPS) She thinks I'm selfish, she thinks I don't spend enough time with the kids...
Moe_Szyslak: What? That's crazy! Come on, you work your butt off in a radioactive hellhole, and what do you get? Not one lousy superpower!
Homer_Simpson: I guess the only choice is to come clean and tell her what I know... and how I know.
Moe_Szyslak: Whoa-ho, bad idea! No, no. Chicks do not like finding out they're being spied on. I speak from looooooooooooooooooong experience. Now, you gotta make it seem like you found out by accident there. (SNAPS FINGERS) Ooh! Next week youse schedule an appointment with the therapist, after hers, and then you "bump into" Midge in the waitin' room, there.
Homer_Simpson: Moe, that's great. How do you get your ideas?
Moe_Szyslak: Pretty much all my friends are divorced guys.


Carl_Carlson: All right, so the rules are, every time the news guy says "senator," we gotta take a drink.
Lenny_Leonard: It'll be nice to let someone else decide when I drink. Too much pressure.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, Channel Six tip line? I just caught two senators doin' it in the alley. And me? I'm just a reliable source. Not "sauce," "source"! Source! "S-A-U-R-C-E"!
Kent_Brockman: (TOUCHES EARPIECE) We have heard from a very reliable sauce, news involving multiple senators.
Kent_Brockman: I will read a list of senators...with possibly more senators...to be named later by other senators:
Kent_Brockman: Senator Abercrombie, Senator Billingsley, Senator Beaumont...
Moe_Szyslak: Oh damn, the plaster's flaking again.
Homer_Simpson: ...so Marge says I gotta "ask Lisa on a date."
Lenny_Leonard: Sure you remember how to ask out a girl, Homer?
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, you've been out of the game a long time there.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey guys! Lay off Homer!
Moe_Szyslak: Now you quit stallin' and call your daughter like a man!
Homer_Simpson: (GROANS) Feels weird.
Carl_Carlson: Just ask your daughter to have dinner with you. What is the big deal?
Carl_Carlson: (SQUEALS) He's doing it! He's calling a girl!
Lenny_Leonard: (QUIETLY) Omigod, omigod, omigod!
Homer_Simpson: Oh, It's ringing!
Lenny_Leonard: (LOUDER) Omigod, omigod, omigod!
Lisa_Simpson: (OVER THE PHONE) Hello?
Homer_Simpson: (SUDDENLY NERVOUS) Uh, Hello. Lisa. I know your brother and... (FRUSTRATED MOAN)
Homer_Simpson: Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Carl_Carlson: Calm down, calm down! She doesn't know it's you.
Carl_Carlson: (SCREAMS) Hide! Hide!
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, hello? Oh, sure, Liser, your Dad's right here.
Lisa_Simpson: (ON PHONE) Dad? Did you just call?
Homer_Simpson: Uh, yeah. Hey, listen, your mom thinks that maybe you and I should have dinner together, sometime...
Lisa_Simpson: Just the two of us?
Homer_Simpson: (SMALL LAUGH) Yeah, I knew you'd think it's dumb--
Lisa_Simpson: I'd love that. See you tonight!
Homer_Simpson: Woo-hoo! I got a date with my daughter!
Cletus_Spuckler: Yeah, we all been there. No need to act like you just invented air conditioning.


Barney_Gumble: Hey, you're kinda quiet tonight, Homer.


Moe_Szyslak: Eh, welcome fellow barkeeps, gin-slingers, and beer-jerks.
Moe_Szyslak: (GRIM) We are all here because drinkin' in our bars is down. Mom and Pop bartenders can't compete with big box stores like Booze Barn and Hooch City.
Moe_Szyslak: Thanks, Cap. Now what I'm proposing is a superhero pub crawl. Our clientele dress up in costume and go drinking from bar to bar. Their masks make 'em feel uninhibited, and invulnerable.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, and that's not all. Why don't you tell 'em about it, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, you got it, Moe. (SHUTS OFF TV) We can make up superhero drink names and charge 'em double. Like, uh, Nick Fury, Agent of Schnapps; Sex in the Batmobile; and the Wolveriskey! 'Ere, check out my uh, portfolium here.
Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, your boy's got magic knock-up powers, huh?
Homer_Simpson: Hey, I created three kids, and no one's making a big deal of that.
Lenny_Leonard: Not true! Whenever I compliment your virility, you act all weird. And you are very virile.
Homer_Simpson: (WEIRDED-OUT NOISES) Yeah... well just talk about sports!
Lenny_Leonard: No problem. Wish I had that Tom Brady's libido.
Homer_Simpson: What is your problem, boy?
Bart_Simpson: Maybe when I've got a Dad who shows up in the morning with no shirt on and rocks on his face, it sets, I don't know, a low bar?
Homer_Simpson: Wow. I've gotta take that in. While I do, have some bar nuts.
Bart_Simpson: Aren't those full of germs?
Homer_Simpson: Eat the nuts! They're your dinner!
Legs: You guys are comin' with us.
Moe_Szyslak: Not so fast.
Moe_Szyslak: Nobody comes into my bar and kidnaps two paying customers.
Homer_Simpson: (GRATEFUL) Thanks, Moe, I... (PATS PANTS) huh. Must've left my wallet at home.
Moe_Szyslak: (LOWERING SHOTGUN) Take 'em! Take 'em! Fill their pockets with corn and toss 'em to the pigs.
Louie: Don't tell us our business!


Moe_Szyslak: An eighty-five yard field goal? You gotta be kidding me! Refresh! Refresh!
NFL_NARRATOR: ...despite her breathtaking ignorance and a powerful dislike of the sport, a rookie housewife had been defeated by a savvy veteran...


Marge_Simpson: (SADLY) Now I know why Homie comes here so much. No matter how sad you are inside, what you see looks worse.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. It was really hard for me to make this place look old but not in any way comfortable. Now maybe some TV'll cheer ya up.
Marge_Simpson: (A LITTLE TIPSY) Yesterday's Whatsit? Why does everyone go to them?
Lenny_Leonard: It's express, Marge.
Carl_Carlson: Yeah with our busy lifestyle, we gotta have express.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, listen there, Midge. I know how to get youse outta your contract. But I gotta warn ya...
Moe_Szyslak: You will never work in the fast-food industry again.
Marge_Simpson: (SERIOUS) Go on. Please.


Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Hibachi head. How're you gonna pay for that?
Bender: (LYING) Uh... let me just transfer some, uh, electronic hyper-credits into your register here.
Bender: (CASH REGISTER SOUND) Ding-a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! Ooh, and, uh, another round for my friends! Ding-a-ding-ding-a-ding-ding!
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, this Blade Rummy is all right! He's a big spender, plus he fixed the jukebox. (GOSSIPY) I think they had a thing going.
JUKEBOX_RECORD: (SINGS) OH BABY WHAT YOU DONE TO ME.
Bender: I hate it when they get quiet.
Homer_Simpson: Listen, I-I know you're a robot and incapable of emotion...
Bender: (HUGE SOBS) It's true! I'm empty inside. (MORE HUGE SOBS)
Homer_Simpson: Uh, look, I just wanna ask... can we be friends?
Homer_Simpson: You're the only guy I know with less hair than me.
Bender: Sure! That's why I came to your time, for all you know.
Barney_Gumble: (TOASTING) For all we know!


Homer_Simpson: ...and that's the terrifying tale of how the Quebec Nordiques became (SPOOKY) the Colorado Avalanche.
Lisa_Simpson: Oh no! King Toot's is closed! Dad, you're gonna have to take me to the... big box music store.


Homer_Simpson: (WOOZY) Maybe a drink will help me with my driving.
Moe_Szyslak: Man, those things go off quick.
Moe_Szyslak: Few people know that verdict was overturned in the sequel. Heh.
Homer_Simpson: I'd better be heading home... to my family... enjoy your evening... with your wonderful... uh... neon sign...
Moe_Szyslak: (SAD, SINCERE) Yeah, last year I broke it just so the repairman would come. But I'll be fine.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, um, you gonna be okay?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, yeah, yeah. (SOBS) Super. (LARGE SOB)
Moe_Szyslak: It's just that... you know, I lost my ma at Christmas.
Moe_Szyslak: She took me to a mall and I never saw her again. But I'll never forget that image of her bolting for the parking lot.
Homer_Simpson: Okay! Okay! I'll stay for one beer.
Moe_Szyslak: (TOTALLY CALM) Oh great, great. But don't do it out of pity. (SMALL LAUGH)
Moe_Szyslak: Pity! Pity! Have pity! Look, I'm wrapped around your leg here!
Moe_Szyslak: Please! Please! Please!
Homer_Simpson: But I promised Marge.
Moe_Szyslak: Now I'm sittin' on your shoulders! Please!
Homer_Simpson: Okay, okay!
Moe_Szyslak: (SING) SI-LENT NIGHT / HO-LY NIGHT
Moe_Szyslak: (HAPPY) I'm happy on Christmas Eve. And for once it's not 'cause some drunk left a wallet on his stool.
Moe's_Thoughts: Uh-oh, this is startin' to hurt.
Moe_Szyslak: (CHUCKLES) And now, Homer, it's only fair that I give youse a gift: I'm gonna set the clock in the bar to the correct time.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, what the--
Homer_Simpson: (SHRIEKS) I am so late!
Moe_Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, whoa it's the night before Christmas! Stop stirring, you!
Homer_Simpson: (ANGRILY) Moe, what are you doing?
Moe_Szyslak: (SINGS) GOOD KING WENCESLAS LOOKED OUT ON THE FEAST OF...
KARAOKE_MACHINE: (JAPANESE ACCENT) Voice too poor for karaoke. Shutting doooown. Bye now.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh my God! Santa brought me just what I asked for!
Moe_Szyslak: (THOUGHTFUL NOISE, THEN RE: HOMER'S WEIGHT) Two thirty-nine. Who's he foolin'?


Car: Force of habit.


Homer_Simpson: From now on, you guys can no longer say these hateful words.
Homer_Simpson: Chubby, chunky, blobbo, slobbo, Fat Bastard, Michelin Man, Stay-puft, chumbawamba, (CALLING OUT) It is balloon!, Papa Grandé, Augustus Gloop, Beached Whale, Big Boned, Wisconsin Skinny, Butterball, Dumptruck, Jelly Belly, Pudgy Wudgy, Lard Ass, Blubberino, Buddha Belly, Hurry Eat Tubman, One Ton Soup, (FLIPS PAGE) Blob Saget, Chub Hub, Calvin Cool Whip, Manfred Manboobs, 21 Lump Street, Walking Before Picture, Fatso, Harvey Milk Chocolate, Obese Want Cannoli, Mahatma Gumbo, Salvador Deli, Elmer Pantry, K.F.C. And The Sponge Cake Band, Snackie Onassis... (FLIPS PAGE AGAIN) The Foodie Blues, Hoagie Carmichael and Wide Load.
Lenny_Leonard: What about Mr. Two Belts?
Homer_Simpson: Good. Good. By which I mean bad, bad.
Moe_Szyslak: You know, as long as we're opening this up and I'm glad you are, I wanna tell you guys that when you call me a gargoyle, a troll, or a homunculus, it kinda hurts my feelin's.
Lenny_Leonard: What? You're kiddin'.
Homer_Simpson: We never dreamed.
Carl_Carlson: (KIND) Who knew goblins had feelings?
Moe_Szyslak: Ya see, that's what I'm talkin' about. Because--
PRIDESTERS: (CHANTING) WE'RE BIG! WE'RE PROUD! TWO OF US CAN MAKE A CROWD!
Homer_Simpson: Sorry, fellas. There's a movement I have to join. I've learned there's something more important than drinking: eating.


Homer_Simpson: Moe, quick! Beer me before I answer the phone!
Moe_Szyslak: (RELAXED) Ah, the first pour of the day. Let me just tie on my apron, limber up the ol' tap-pullin' arm...
Homer_Simpson: (EXTREMELY INTENSE) I need it now!
Homer_Simpson: (SUPER CASUAL) Hey, Marge. I'm supposed to help drive the kids? Oh, man, I wish I knew that sooner, but I just had a beer.
Marge_Simpson: (INTO PHONE) You're already drinking at eight o'clock in the morning? How much have you had?
Homer_Simpson: Woo hoo! Off the hook!
Marge_Simpson: Looks like this is all me.
Homer_Simpson: Yeah, while you're at it can you pick me up some beer?
Moe_Szyslak: ...So Sideshow Mel is drinkin' here all afternoon. When I show him the tab, he says he left his wallet in his other skirt, and he pays me with this!
Carl_Carlson: Hey, this is a ticket to see Laney Fontaine -- she's the brassiest broad on Broadway!
Lenny_Leonard: She's funny and vulgar and fulla Hollywood stories, like, uh... Jimmy Stewart was a super-nice guy.
Moe_Szyslak: Geez, now I wanna go!
Lenny_Leonard: Why can'tcha?
Moe_Szyslak: I can't close down the bar on a Saturday. That's when you guys can drink 'cause you're not workin' for three days.
Homer_Simpson: Hey Moe... I'll take care of the bar. You did me a favor today.
Moe_Szyslak: Huh... well, okay. Uh, let me just show you where everything is... (QUICKLY POINTS TO ITEMS) shotgun, shotgun shells, blood mop, bag of lime -- and that's it. Now boys, I gotta get dressed for the, uh, (HIGH-FALUTIN') "theatah"!
Moe_Szyslak: And done. (EXITS)
Homer_Simpson: Man, Moe's barely got two nickels to rub together.
Carl_Carlson: I know a way we can make this Moe's biggest Saturday night ever.
Lenny_Leonard: How does Moe make money if ladies drink free?
Carl_Carlson: That's the beauty part. This place is about to be filled with guys, buyin' beers, hoping to meet ladies. Huh.
Lenny_Leonard: Brilliant! Ooh, and thanks for telling me what the beauty part of it was.
Lenny_Leonard: Not a man in sight. We got the...Cheery Red Tomatoes...a bachelorette party...
Lenny_Leonard: Ooh! Lady Duff!
LADY_DUFF: (HOLDS UP BOTTLE) I am woman, hear me pour! Oh yeah!
Homer_Simpson: There's no guys! We haven't made any money.
Carl_Carlson: Not yet, but at least we're hearing some interesting conversation from those two book clubs.
BOOK_CLUB_MEMBER: Well, we thought "The Heaven Lovers' Club" was rich and spiritual.
OTHER_BOOK_CLUB_MEMBER: We thought it was maybe a little slow!
BOOK_CLUB_MEMBER: (THREATENING) Well, maybe I can liven it up for ya.
Lenny_Leonard: (KINDLY) Let me help you up.
LANEY_FONTAINE: So this is the charming tavern you've been telling me about.
Moe_Szyslak: Yep. Nice and cozy and... (BIGGEST EVER) Whaaaa?!
Moe_Szyslak: My craphole! My precious craphole!
BOOK_CLUB_MEMBER: Anyone tries to stop me and you'll see her lovely bones all over the floor!
Moe_Szyslak: (DAZED) This is nuts!
Moe_Szyslak: Tell me you still work, Love Tester!
Moe_Szyslak: (MOAN) I'm ruined!
LANEY_FONTAINE: Sorry, Moe. I love losers, but only after they've bounced at the bottom. (SINGING) 'CAUSE I'M THE BRASSIEST PIECE OF SASS IN THIS WHOLE DAMN TOWN!
Moe_Szyslak: You guys cost me my chance with a woman of a certain age! (HEAVING SOBS)
Carl_Carlson: Hey, come on, all is not lost. (HOLDS UP COASTER) This coaster's fine.
Moe_Szyslak: You are not my friends. To me you're just mouths drinkin' beers!
Lenny_Leonard: You can't mean that!
Homer_Simpson: We don't look at you that way.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I-I'm sorry for snappin' at you guys. But, but I'm ruint. (SMALL SOB) I-I'll have to live on my savings here.
Moe_Szyslak: All right, who rubbed my nickels?!
Lenny_Leonard: Hey, wait a minute! We can get you a job! There's an opening at the nuclear plant 'cause of that guy that defected to North Korea.
Homer_Simpson: Good ol' Dae Ho. Used to give me the pickles off his sandwich. And all I had to do was let him copy some keys.
Lenny_Leonard: Moe, can you pass a background check?
Moe_Szyslak: Ummmmmmmmm... ehhhhhhhh... errrrrrr... ehhhhhhhhh... ehhhhhh sure.
Carl_Carlson: Well, then you're in!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, how far do they go back?
Lenny_Leonard: Six months.
Moe_Szyslak: Kay, I'm gonna apply in a week.
Lenny_Leonard: (RELIEVED NOISE) It's sure great to see you jerking our suds again, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I figured out that the best way for me to get along with most people is to be kept behind a two foot chunk of solid oak.
Lenny_Leonard: Looks more like poplar to me.
Moe_Szyslak: Why youse! Correcting me on my knowledge of wood products!
Homer_Simpson: (HAPPY) So good to be back.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, I'm back where I belong, eh?
SMILE: (LOW BARITONE VOICE) You're not alone anymore.
Moe_Szyslak: (TERRIFIED) What the Hell was that?!
SMILE: (LOW BARITONE VOICE) Oh, you'll find out.


Moe_Szyslak: Really? Tell me something: I've heard that Queen Elizabeth in person is actually not that funny.
KEMI: I am from Africa.
Moe_Szyslak: Wow, Africa. I had a good friend who really wanted to go there. So, uh, you speak English there?
KEMI: I speak five languages.
Moe_Szyslak: (SNORTS) Nobody does.
KEMI: (PORTUGUESE) Eu não quero dizer para mostrar (FRENCH) Je ne veux pas montrer (SPANISH) No me refiero a presumir (JAPANESE) Watashi wa koji suru wakede wa arimasen
Moe_Szyslak: Eh... which means what?
KEMI: I don't wish to show off.
Moe_Szyslak: (CHUCKLES DESPITE HIMSELF) That's pretty good there, but don't expect me to bow and scrape. Well, I'll give you one scrape.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, that's it, Majesty. Notice I didn't say "your."
KEMI: (GIGGLES) They don't make them like you in Nigeria.
Moe_Szyslak: (STUNNED) Nigeria?
Moe_Szyslak: (REPRESSED RAGE) Homer, can I speak to you in private?
Homer_Simpson: Can I try it?
Moe_Szyslak: Eh, you gotta be mad at something.
Homer_Simpson: Well, I'm mad I'm not doing it.
Homer_Simpson: And you gave it to him?
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I did. I was sure the guy was on the level because of his bad spelling and grammar.
Moe_Szyslak: Now, guess how much of the twenty million I saw?
Homer_Simpson: Eight million?
Moe_Szyslak: Ze-ro.
Homer_Simpson: Get outta here!
Moe_Szyslak: (THEN) If Kemi there is a Nigerian princess, her brother just might be the Nigerian prince that took my money!
Homer_Simpson: (GASPS) She's gone!
Moe_Szyslak: And she trashed my bar! (LOOKS AROUND) Oh no, wait. She actually cleaned up a little. Good for her.
Homer_Simpson: Chief! Thank God! I was drinking at Moe's, and I lost an African princess!
Chief_Wiggum: Lost African princess, eh? Well, lucky for you, she just happens to be in the back of my cruiser.
Homer_Simpson: Yes! The prayer I forgot to say has been answered.
Homer_Simpson: (PUZZLED) What the?
Chief_Wiggum: You're going straight to the drunk tank, rummy. (SNORTS) "African princess."
Gil_Gunderson: Chief! I just saw someone robbin' the Kwik-E-Mart!
Chief_Wiggum: Oh, now African Princesses are robbin' the Kwik-E-Mart, huh? Get in the car, booze bag.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Chief! I have been shot in the shoulder!
Chief_Wiggum: In the car!
Chief_Wiggum: What is this, Saint Patrick's Day?
Moe_Szyslak: (MUMBLING) This is terrible. Can't think of anything to mumble to myself. That's how upset I am here.
KEMI: Also... maybe... I wanted to talk more to you.
Moe_Szyslak: (PLEASED) Really?
Moe's_Thoughts: (GRIMLY) Okay there, Moe. You gotta get to the brother, because he knows what my pin number is and I forgot.
Moe_Szyslak: I see.
Moe's_Thoughts: Now Moe, don't jump to conclusions. A lotta people have brothers.
Moe_Szyslak: Does he have a computer?
KEMI: Yes.
Moe's_Thoughts: It's him!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, so all my money's tied up in this jernt. Can't even afford elocution lessons to teach me how to pronounce (OVER-PRONOUNCING) "joint." I guess I could do it online, but what's the pernt?
Moe_Szyslak: What's so funny?
KEMI: I thought my English was perfect. But you make me feel even better about it.
Moe_Szyslak: (LAUGHS) Usually people that tease me get thrown out on their ass. But, uh, your sayin' it made me feel good. Jeez, I sound like one of those guys in theM rom coms that play at the theater next to the theater I'm in.
Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, what's a Princesses like you do all day, eh? A lot of spinning wheels and witches treatin' you like crap?
KEMI: I read. Are you familiar with the books by my countryman Chinua Achebe, "Things Fall Apart" and "No Longer At Ease?"
Moe_Szyslak: You guys got real optimistic literature there.
KEMI: (AMUSED) Fair comment.
KEMI: (YAWNS) I haven't eaten all day.
Moe_Szyslak: Don't eat those eggs! We don't know what kinda bird they turn into! But there's a string cheese or something in the fridge in the back. Help yourself.
Moe_Szyslak: Alright, after she eats, I'd better close up. (STRETCHES, YAWNS) C'mon, pal.
Moe_Szyslak: That's really stuck there good.
Moe_Szyslak: (SMALL SMILE, SIGHS) I can't be mad at her no more.
Moe_Szyslak: Goodnight, moon.
Moe_Szyslak: Goodnight, broom. Good night jukebox that won't play a tune.
Moe_Szyslak: Goodnight eggs. Goodnight dregs. Goodnight bugs crawlin' up my legs. Goodnight beer. Goodnight mice. Goodnight Princess who treats me nice. Yeah.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, well, look who's up. Princess, I'm gonna do something for you I've never done for anyone in this bar: call you a cab.
KEMI: No. I want to spend time with you. I want to see this town.
Moe_Szyslak: Do you mind ridin' on a cute little scooter with your arms around my waist?
KEMI: (SHYLY) I don't.
Moe_Szyslak: (LIFTS INDEX FINGER) To the scooter store!
Moe_Szyslak: I did not think this through.
KEMI: Moe, before I left, I just wanted to give you these examples of our most beloved, albeit depressing, literature.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, some nice bedtime readin'.
Moe_Szyslak: Fun premise.
Moe_Szyslak: I'm laughing already.
Moe_Szyslak: Really not cheerin' me up here, but uh, let me offer you the only literature in this bar. Sure works for me though.
Moe_Szyslak: This coaster.
KEMI: I will treasure it.
Moe_Szyslak: Well, I guess you'll pine forever for a man who doesn't care, while I just grow old here in this bar.
Waylon_Smithers: Here's to suffering in silence.
Waylon_Smithers: (INTRIGUED NOISE) Can't wait to see those numbers hanging from my rafters.
AGED_MOE: (SIGH) I can't believe it's been three years since Smithers left. Man, have I been aging badly. (SIGHS) But I guess I can finally wash this forehead.
AGED_MOE: (SMILES) Divine.


TROY: (TIPSY) Homer, I'm really touched you invited me out on the town. You're gonna be a four-star brother-in-law.
TROY: (DRUNK BUT SMOOTH) C'mere, Homer.
TROY: I'll let you in on a little secret...


Young_Homer: (TIPSY) Marge, come here.
Young_Homer: Marge, I need both hands for this game. Can you feed me nachos while I play?
Young_Homer: Tell that to the brave crew of the S.S. Triangle.
Young_Homer: Come on! You're always saying we should do things as a couple.
Young_Homer: Oh, this is wonderful. I love you, Atari.
Young_Homer: (OBLIVIOUS) Well, I aims to please. Hey, let's stop by that dumpster and make out. (GAGS, THEN: HOLDS UP FINGER) Hold that thought.


Teenage_Homer: Psst, Barney! My Dad's asleep. Want a beer?


Young_Marge: I don't want a life of watching you get drunk, then holding back your long, beautiful hair while you vomit. I have my own dreams and I can't live them with you.


Teenage_Homer: I've got two words for you. Mellow out, man. Hmm? Hmm?


Teenage_Bart: (AGHAST) Dad, that's my fourth grade teacher!
Teenage_Bart: Hi, Mrs. K. This is sure weird, huh?
Teenage_Bart: Uh, I... don't think so.
Teenage_Bart: (SIGHS) I wish I could talk to my fourth grade self just once. I'd say "work hard, don't be such a screw up."


Adult_Bart: Wow, this place hasn't changed a bit.
Adult_Bart: Was my Dad here?
Adult_Bart: Yeah. Since he don't drink, he just comes here to see Lenny and Carl.
Adult_Bart: Hey Lenny.
Adult_Bart: Right. What was the point again?


Homer's_Brain: Okay, Homer. This is the moment of truth. You've gotta tell Marge you really don't want another kid.
Homer's_Brain: Eh, how bad could it be?


Kirk_Voice_Milhouse: Hey bartender. We'd like two milks and then you can tell us where babies come from.


Moe_Szyslak: What's the matter, Homer? Somebody leave a lumpa coal in your stocking? You've been sitting there sucking on a beer all day long.
Homer_Simpson: So?
Moe_Szyslak: So it's Christmas!
Homer_Simpson: (DOWN) Thanks, Moe.
Barney_Gumble: Drinks all around!
Homer_Simpson: What's with the crazy getup, Barn?
Barney_Gumble: I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
Homer_Simpson: Wow. Can I do that?
Barney_Gumble: I don't know. They're pretty selective. (BURPS)


Homer_Simpson: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Ahh, I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.
Homer_Simpson: (Reaches into his pocket) Moe, I think I'll have another -- (opens wallet, sees it is empty) -- Whoops. (checks pockets, pulls inside out) Moe, I'm a little low on funds. You think could cover me just this once?
Moe_Szyslak: No, sorry.
Homer_Simpson: Why not? I think after all these years I deserve an explanation.
Moe_Szyslak: I don't think you're ever going to get another job and be able to pay me back.
Homer_Simpson: Oh.
Moe_Szyslak: Don't worry, we're still friends.


BOXING_ANNOUNCER: The fans are getting just a little bit anxious here folks...
Homer_Simpson: (SAD) Another beer, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: What's the matter, Homer? Bloodiest fight of the year, and you're sittin' there like a thirsty bump on a log.
Moe_Szyslak: Eddie.
Eddie: Evening, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Want some pretzels?
Eddie: (CHUCKLE) No, thanks. We're on duty. Couple beers would be nice, though.
Moe_Szyslak: That'll be two bucks, boys. Just kidding!
Lou: Good one, Moe. Hey listen, we're looking for a family of Peeping Toms that has been terrorizing the neighborhood.
Lou: (TO DOG) Quiet, boy. Let the nice people enjoy their beers. Uh, don't worry. This dog has the scent.
Eddie: Hey! What's gotten into Bobo?
Homer_Simpson: (NERVOUS) I've got some wieners in my pocket.
Eddie: That figures. Come on, you stupid dog.
Homer_Simpson: You know, Moe, my Mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, "Homer, you're a big disappointment," and, God bless her soul, she was really onto something.
Barney_Gumble: Don't blame yourself, Homer. You got dealt a bad hand. You got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
Homer_Simpson: You can't talk that way about my kids. Or, at least two of them.
Barney_Gumble: Why? You got two I haven't met?
Homer_Simpson: Why, you... Here's five you haven't met.
BOXING_ANNOUNCER: And a tremendous right! That's just got to hurt! Ladies and gentlemen, this fight is over!
TV-STATION_ANNOUNCER: (FROM TV) All-Star Boxing is brought to you by "Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center".
Homer_Simpson: (COMING TO) Huh... what?
Tv_Wife: (FROM TV) Honey, aren't you going to work today?
Tv_Husband: (FROM TV) No, I don't think so.
Tv_Wife: (FROM TV) Honey, you have a problem. And it won't get better till you admit it.
Tv_Husband: (FROM TV) I admit this: You better shut your big yap.
Tv_Wife: (FROM TV) Oh you, shut up.
Tv_Husband: (FROM TV) No, you shut up.
Tv_Wife: (FROM TV) No, you shut up.
Tv_Husband: (FROM TV) Oh, Shut up!
Tv_Wife: (FROM TV) Shut up!
Tv_Husband: (FROM TV) Shut up!
Small_Boy: (FROM TV; CALMLY) Why don't you both (FURIOUSLY) shut up!
Dr._Marvin_Monroe: (from tv) Hi, friends. I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. Does this scene look familiar? If so, I can help. No gimmicks, no pills, no fad diets. Just family bliss, or double your money back. So call today!
Announcer: (FROM TV) Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center. 1-800-555-HUGS. Why don't you call... Right now?
Homer_Simpson: When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. Heh-heh. They're on TV!


Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Yeah! Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
Bart_Simpson: (THRU PHONE) Is Jacques there?
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Who?
Bart_Simpson: (THRU PHONE) Jacques. Last name Strap.
Moe_Szyslak: Hold on. (CALLS OUT) Uh..Jacques Strap! Hey, guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) What -- oh! Wait a minute -- Jacques Strap? It's you, isn't it? You cowardly little runt. When I get hold of you I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.


Moe_Szyslak: Okay, come on, come on everybody. We've got to get on with our lives. Let's try and put this tragedy behind us.
Barney_Gumble: You're right, Moe. A beer, please, and make sure there's a head on it.
Moe_Szyslak: Ohhhh. (BEGINS SOBBING)


Barney_Gumble: Wow!


Moe_Szyslak: What's the matter, Homer? Hottest Ladies Night in months and you're not even checking out the action.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, Moe. My wife gave me the old heave-ho because of some lousy picture.
Moe_Szyslak: This one?
Barney_Gumble: So where you staying tonight, Homer?
Homer_Simpson: Motel, I guess.
Barney_Gumble: Oh, no. No pal of mine is gonna stay in some dingy flophouse.


Moe_Szyslak: Phone call for Al. Al Koholic. Is there an Al Koholic here?
Moe_Szyslak: Wait a minute... (GRABBING PHONE) Listen, you little yellow-belly rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya! (HANGS UP)
Homer_Simpson: I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up.
Moe_Szyslak: Is everything okay, Homer? Usually you have a quick one, some peanuts, a hunka beef jerky, a couple pickled eggs and you're outta here.
Homer_Simpson: Let's just say, I don't feel like goin' home tonight. Jar, please.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, you can level with me. You got a domestic situation?
Homer_Simpson: (CONTEMPLATES HIS EGG, THEN JAMS IT IN MOUTH) You might say that. My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig.
Moe_Szyslak: Homer?
Homer_Simpson: (MOUTH FULL) What?
Moe_Szyslak: Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar.
Homer_Simpson: What? (YELLS) Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
Barney_Gumble: (DRUNKENLY) You're no more of a pig than I am. (BURP)
Homer_Simpson: (DISAPPOINTED) Oh, no.
Moe_Szyslak: See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference. Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings. Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the town. Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards.
Homer_Simpson: Gee, a romantic evening. Nah, she's too smart to fall for that.
Moe_Szyslak: I'm not done. (LEANS IN) After dinner, the two of you are going to check into the fanciest motel in town, and not check out until the next morning. If you get my drift.
Homer_Simpson: I read you loud and clear.


Homer_Simpson: Good morning, Moe's Tavern!
Barney_Gumble: Ah... it's the President!


Barney_Gumble: (RE: TV) Oh, no. An election! That's one of those deals where they close the bars, isn't it?
Moe_Szyslak: (NODS) Sorry, Barney.
Barney_Gumble: Wow! Super fish!
Moe_Szyslak: I wish the government would get off his back.


Barney_Gumble: So, Homer. What happened in Capitol City?
Homer_Simpson: Aw, Barney.
Moe_Szyslak: Come on, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.
Homer_Simpson: Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys who sits in a bar telling the story of how he became a loser. And I never want that to happen to me.
Barney_Gumble: Please, Homer.
Moe_Szyslak: C'mom, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: Well, okay. It all started on "Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night," down at Springfield stadium.
Homer_Simpson: This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced. I should've listened to the kids instead of my big dumb wife.
Homer_Simpson: I shouldn't have called her that. Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue. (BITES TONGUE) Oooh.
Homer_Simpson: (SIGHS) So that's it. The costume's buried now. As my son would say, I'm one sad ape-like dude.
Barney_Gumble: Wow.
Moe_Szyslak: What a saga.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, you guys are hanging on my every word. I've become the center of attention.
Barney_Gumble: Yeah, it's riveting. (BURP)
Moe_Szyslak: Tell it again, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: Okay. I wonder why stories of degradation and humiliation make you more popular.
Moe_Szyslak: I don't know. They just do.


Barney_Gumble: But I only got up to go to the can.
Homer_Simpson: Rasputin's got the reach, but on the other hand, the Professor's got his patented coma lock. If you ask me, this is gonna be one hell of a match.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, look at that show-off... kissing his own muscles. (YELLING) Boo!
Barney_Gumble: (TO THE TV) Boo! (BURPS)
Homer_Simpson: (MOUTH FULL) Hey, I don't see your name engraved on the bar stool.
Richard: ...one...two...three...four...
Audience: (FROM TV) ...five... six...
Barflies: ...seven...eight... nine... ten... eleven...
TV_Announcer: (FROM TV) The ref is issuing a warning to Rasputin.
TV_Announcer: (FROM TV) Oh, my. Oh, my. Why is the referee permitting this?


Smitty: You better be dyin'!


Homer_Simpson: Well, that's it. I guess this is the class I'm gonna die in.
Moe_Szyslak: Eh, you're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're born, to the day they die, they think they're happy but, trust me... they ain't.
Homer_Simpson: (THINKING) Moe, I wish he'd shut up.
Larry: Look, a chick!
Moe_Szyslak: And it's not even Ladies Night.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, hey, guys. Knock it off. It's just my wife.
Marge_Simpson: (WITH THE ABOVE) My name is Marge. (TO HOMER)
Marge_Simpson: Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, Marge...
Marge_Simpson: We've squabbled over money before -- never this much -- I mean, I know this is different than that time I washed your pants with the twenty in the pocket, but I--
Homer_Simpson: (WITH TROUBLE) No, no, no. You think this is about money? Well, it's not. It's worse, Marge. I'm afraid that from now on when I look at you, I'm not gonna see the wife by my side or the mother of my children. I'm just gonna see the dame who blew my one big chance.
Marge_Simpson: What are you saying, Homer?
Homer_Simpson: I'm saying... (THINKING) She's been your wife for ten years, you've had three children together, it's time to be honest with her. (TO MARGE) I'm not sure I love you anymore.
Homer_Simpson: But don't worry. I'll never let on. I'll still do all the bed stuff. Maybe it won't be so bad.
Marge_Simpson: Oh my Lord. Well, I don't want to wait another minute to find out whether you love me anymore. I think that you should look me in the eyes and find out.
Marge_Simpson: Homer, look at me.
Homer_Simpson: Alright, alright, look at her if it'll make her shut up. Start with the feet, still angry? Good, good Homer, good. This is tough, need refreshment. Ahh, good old trustworthy beer, my love for you will never die. Alright, alright, gotta look the wife straight in the eyes and tell her.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, who am I kidding? I love you more than ever.
Marge_Simpson: I love you too!
Homer_Simpson: Sorry to scare you like that, babe.
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, everybody! For the next fifteen minutes, one third off on every pitcher... one per customer... domestic beer only... hey, no sharing!


Homer_Simpson: I gotta call Marge.
Barney_Gumble: Ha!
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Hello, Moe's Tavern -- birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Just a sec. (CALLING OUT TO ROOM) Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody. I wanna Seymour Butts!
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, wait a minute. (INTO PHONE) Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket. When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew.
Homer_Simpson: (SADLY) Oh, it was busy. Moe, another last beer, please.
Homer_Simpson: (SNIFFLES) Guys, keep it down. I got some last words. I never told you this before, but sometimes when I'm at work, I think of you and smile. So often I think that ... oh, words won't do it. (TO MOE) I love you, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Please, not in public.
Homer_Simpson: I love you, Barney.
Barney_Gumble: Oh, how European. (BURPS)
Homer_Simpson: (SCREAMS) Come on, Barney, I gotta get home. (ON THE RUN)


Barney_Gumble: So, Homer, I hear you got the fight.
Homer_Simpson: Yeah, that's right. Eight o'clock, my place. Come one, come all.
Barney_Gumble: Hey, Moe, how come you never got cable for the bar?
Moe_Szyslak: Well, it was either cable or the mechanical bull.
Moe_Szyslak: I made my choice and I stand by it.


Moe_Szyslak: (BEAT) Just a minute, let me check. (TO THE BAR) Homer Sexual. Come on, come on. One of you guys must be Homer Sexual!
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, sorry Principal Skinner. It must be a bad connection. (TO HOMER) It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.
Moe_Szyslak: Lighten up, Homer. You're making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.
Homer_Simpson: Ah, Moe. I've gotta find a date for my big, fat, snotty sister-in-law, Selma.
Barney_Gumble: I'm intrigued. What does this Selma look like?
Homer_Simpson: (HOPEFUL) Like my wife's ugly sister.
Barney_Gumble: Wheel her in, Homer. I'm not a picky man. (BURP)
Barney_Gumble: And then when I got out of the service, well, the next few years are a blur.
Selma_Bouvier: Patty. Where's Skinner?
Patty_Bouvier: We decided we loved each other enough never to see each other again!
Selma_Bouvier: I hope I can find a man like that. (THINKS A BEAT) Patty, are you throwing away your last chance at happiness just for me?
Patty_Bouvier: Yes.
Selma_Bouvier: Thanks.
Patty_Bouvier: Now let's get some pancakes.
Selma_Bouvier: Listen Barney, I... (DISDAINFUL) Eh.
Barney_Gumble: She broke my heart, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
Barney_Gumble: Well, what do you know. You're right! And look, a whole pitcher to myself.